I Realize

[Kikuyu_Black_Paws]

I realize I don’t have a picture of your true smile

Of your true face

That those I have are all masks

Masks to keep the evil away

Masks to keep the dark away

The loneliness away

But without that true face

It just creeps in farther

Closer

Tighter

Merciless

I will forget your true face

Your true smile that I worked

So hard to see

And with that smile

That I lose

Will I lose

A bit of my own

Heart.

 

I don’t want to lose it

I want to keep it locked inside

Forever mine

Forever remembered

But sometimes the memories are more painful

In their remembering

As what is remembered realizes

That it no longer exists in this world

Only in that shadow of

‘Has been’

‘Might have been’

‘Will never be’

Something broken and maimed

A broken bird

A struggling wing

Better to be rid of it and not remember it at all

Never to have had the memory of flight

Better to have never flown

Only to be landlocked

Now gone

Now shattered

Now taken

Away.

 

It feels like this

To not know

To hope but not hope

To wish but be unable to dream

Where you are

Who you are

What you’re like

When you’ll come

Only that time and again

I wait and look out for you

In the wrong places

Only to be turned aside

Not the ‘pretty’ girl

The one who is of no account

The one who is of no importance or relevance

To your smile

Simply another distraction to while away a lonely hour

When your internet crashes

Or the one you pine after

Is away.

[Peredhil]

You've a knack for capturing a feeling. You captured one here - very well written.