Snypiuer Posted December 6, 2009 Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 (edited) This is one of those that make me think it's been written before or, at least, should have been. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sad poem of melancholy and dark despair. Lost love. Broken dreams. Life unfair. Dark words of emotions raw and feelings deep. Of pain. Of sorrow. Of troubled sleep. Words of hurt beneath which anger simmers. To end, in hope - whose faint light glimmers. Edited December 6, 2009 by Snypiuer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted December 6, 2009 Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 I like it, sounds prrrrty. =) My only suggestion is to consider the first 2 lines of your last stanza. I think it might be stronger if you were to continue with the structure of your other stanzas (see first 2 lines of other stanzas). Oh, and 'whose'...not "who is." (see last line...sorry for nitpicking) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snypiuer Posted December 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 I know what you mean about first lines of last stanza - I just couldn't come up with anything. Open to suggestions! Also, corrected who's to whose. Completely missed that one and will now retire to subject myself to harsh and brutal punishment for my transgression! No need to apologize for nitpicking - the fact that I must now suffer a sever and violent beating (punctuated by humiliation) because of said nitpicking, may be in question. But hey, you know, it builds character! Glad you liked it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 (edited) That's a tough pickle to sniff. I'll think on it, and let you know if I come up with anything. *edit* I'm drawing a blank, sorry. I'm not terribly good with suggestions... Edited December 8, 2009 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Words of hurt of deprivation... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snypiuer Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Words of hurt. Of deprivation. I like the 'Of deprivation' part. May have to change the first line though. And reword the rest of that stanza, but that 'Of deprivation' does fit. It gives inklings of ideas! I LIKE IT! Will think on it. THANK YOU! ALL SUGGESTIONS ARE NOT ONLY HELPFUL, THEY ARE MUCH APPRECIATED! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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