Topsy-turvy

[Mardrax]

So right. I'm in no good mood, that should be obvious. Be warned, whinage follows.

---

 

I'm crying out

my wrenched guts

spilled

onto uncaring paper

 

The same guts

that went topsy-turvy

every

single

time

 

The same guts

I should be spilling

to you, and only you

invite me to spil them

 

The same guts

that wrinkle

to a shallow shell

every time I try

 

Those same guts

here they are

take them

one word, one tear

at a time

 

But please

let me keep the latter

I have so precious few

 

---

 

That said, I'm at least somewhat satisfied with this, yet the 5th (dare I call it so?) stanza irks me.

As always, feedback is greatly appreciated ^^

[Preprise]

"guts

that wrinkle

to a shallow shell"

 

I like those words.

[Vlad]

Powerful emotions are at play here, and I enjoyed the style and presentation. It reminded me of how I used to write, when I wrote, so thank you for that.

 

The poem feels very conflicted and carries that quite well. You do a good job of balancing what I'll call the internal confusion and external confusion - the characters are confused, and even the reader might be jerked around a little bit, but as the author you drew focus to where it needed to be. It gives a good anchor so that on the second or third time through, the listener can take cues from it and start to make sense of the scene in his/her head.

 

As for the fifth stanza, I'd suggest keeping it parallel to the rest of the poem and using The same guts instead of Those. You'd probably have to change the rest of the stanza to be grammatically correct then, so maybe something like

 

The same guts

that you take

one word, one tear

at a time

 

The image I suggest is less forceful, it is simply one of resignation and 'oh you're taking my guts how quaint' instead of the original version which seems to carry a lot of spite within it. So this may not be the direction you want to go, then. Perhaps all you need to do is combine the lines two and three into a single - here, take them - to make the poem more terse and more angry/upset/emotional?