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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword
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Vigil StarGazer

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Proud Leader and Solo member of "The Pen|s is Mightier then the Sword."

 

"Sizzle..." - Mr.Bunny

 

"It's just a Man's Fantasy." -Deg

 

"With great Geekness comes great responsibility." - PvP comics

 

It took a while, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

 

"Time is Money, Money is evil. Therefore Procrastination is a virtue."

 

"evil spelled backwards is live"

 

"If you have to beat someone, beat him hard enough so he'll never get to revenge."

 

"If you have to choose between two evils, choose the one you never experience before."

 

"Living a life in the light can be blinding, So welcome to the Darkness, are you ready to see?"

 

Beer is the prove that God loves everyone and wants us to be happy - Benjamin Franklin

 

A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain!

 

Ducking for apples; change one letter and it's the story of my life.

- Dorothy Parker

 

Walking on water is highly over-rated. Sh|t floats too.

 

If you find yourself and a friend being chased by a king lion, you have one chance: Trip your friend

-Some wisdom

 

"War does not determine who is right - only who is left." -Bertrand Russell

 

"The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy

 

"A coward was originally a boy who took care of cows."

 

"If you steal from one author, It's call plagrism; if you steal from many, it's research."-Wilson

 

The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.

- Amanda Cross

 

The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.

- Sigmund Freud

 

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved.

- Russell Lynes

 

According to Gensis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.

 

“Communism is men exploiting men; Capitalism is the other way around.” -Tyrion

 

"about 6% of murderd american men are killed by either their wife or girlfriend... or wife who caught them with their girlfriend."

 

"Not only is life a b|tch. It has puppies." Adrianne Guswolf.

 

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs and ham breakfast. The Chicken was involved, the pig was commited.

 

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. " - Rick Cook

 

"there are two types of people in the world, good and bad. The good sleeps better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." - Woody Allen.

 

“There are two kinds of investors: Those who eat well and those who sleep well.”

 

"I think animal testing is a bad idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

 

"If the punishment fits the crime, would a reformed vampire have to become a blood donor?"

 

"Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." - Dark helmet in Spaceballs.

 

"it has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats."

 

" A T.V insults your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer."

 

"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?"

 

"The book store is one of the only pieces of evidence we have the people are still thinking" -Jerry Seinfield.

 

"The sea was angry that day my friend, like an old man trying to send back soup at deli." - George Constanza

 

"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, '*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual.'" - George, in "The Subway"

 

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfield.

 

"they don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket, The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!" - Cosmo Kramer.

 

"Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. "

 

Side effects may include dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, water retention, painful wreckalidge, hallucination, dementia, psychosis, coma, death and halitosis. Magic is not for everyone, consult your doctor before use."

 

Mat Cauthon, all the time: "Blood and Bloody ashes"

 

"dovie'andi se toya sagain" - Meaning Time to roll the dice.

 

"That could be a blessing or a curse, depending on how you look at it." -Mat on having two wives.

 

The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

 

This planet is obviously being used as an insane asylum by other planets. - George Bernard Shaw

 

The rest is silence. - Last words of Shakespeare

 

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

 

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get afterwards." - Homer Simpson

 

I think wet dreams are actually God giving you a handjob for being so good.

 

"To speak before you think is like wiping your ass before you shit!"

 

Clark Kent is a transvestite.

 

"Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the American dream?"

- Homer Simpson

 

Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells. - Rodney Dangerfield

 

I said "NO" to drugs!-(but they just wouldn't listen)

 

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either. - Matt Groening

 

Life is a bitch, then you marry one.

 

It says right here you've got to be saved to go to heaven. But the way I see it, you've only got to be yourself to go to hell. - Marilyn Manson

 

When I'm done with you, you're gonna wish your daddy pulled out early. - Preacher (comic book)

 

Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass. - Mr. Jack Tinner

 

"Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk - Homer Simpson

 

"Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited, while imagination embraces the entire world" - Albert Einstein

 

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

 

I swear to drunk I'm not god.

 

After all is said and done, a hell lot of a lot more is said than done.

 

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

 

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." - Ozzy Ozbourne

 

Is adult entertainment killing our children, or is killing our children adult entertainment? - Marilyn Manson

 

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright

 

"Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... "- Bart Simpson

 

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool!

 

While money can't buy love, It can buy a damn good imitation.

 

There are two major products that come from Berkeley: lsd and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson

 

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I would have farted.

 

A virgin a day keeps the boredom away

 

What Does K-Mart and The Church Have in Common?....Boys Clothes Half Off!!

 

"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!" - Homer Simpson

 

"Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them" - Homer Simpson

 

"Sometimes you are the dog and sometimes you are the hydrant."

 

Sex is like air, it isn't important unless you aren't getting any

 

"Does God believe in people?"

 

Inscription on a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" - Seen in Ashland, New Hampshire

 

All that we seem is but a dream within a dream - Edgar Allen Poe

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

 

Please give me some money. I need it for drink, pot and a hooker. (Hey, at least i'm not bullshitting you)

 

Advertising today has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate, and buying shit we don't need. - Tyler Durdan, Fight Club

 

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again... - Bart Simpson

 

Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry little jig and then, suddenly, he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. - Matt Groening

 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

 

No one gets into heaven without a glowstick! - Homer Simpson

 

"Support wild life - vote for an orgy!"

 

Prevent inbreeding: Ban country music!

 

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

 

I am neither especially clever, nor especially gifted, just very, very curious. - Albert Einstien

 

"I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..." - Sierra Mallett

 

Alcohol... the solution to, and the cause of all of life's problems. - Homer Simpson

 

What has been the fruits of Christianity? ...Superstition, bigotry and persecution. - James Madison

 

Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

 

"Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups."

 

It all began when man made God in his image... -Dennis Voges

 

Sex is one of the most beautiful, natural and wholesome things money can buy.

 

Hey man, I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on your daughter.

 

Now I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman! - Homer Simpson

 

“You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists.”

-Abbie Hoffman

 

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.“

-Nathaniel Borenstein

 

Army: A body of men assembled to rectify the mistakes of the diplomats.

--Josephus Daniels--

 

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

--George Patton--

 

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."

-- General Norman Cota: Omaha Beach, 1944--

 

Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks."

--- Col. William O. Darby, U.S. Rangers--

 

"I'd rather have a German Division in front of me than a French one behind."

-- General George S. Patton--

 

"When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."

-Thomas Jefferson

 

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

 

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

 

"The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

-Mark Twain

 

"I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence."

 

"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with."

-Rodney Dangerfield

 

"You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy."

-Charles Manson

 

drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!

 

Don't you think it's just mildly ironic that most of the people against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? - George Carlin

 

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

 

Have you ever been utterly infatuated with someone to the point of almost making yourself hurt? It's pretty tragic and pathetic. Against all possible logic, you find yourself unexplainably attracted to one individual and it pretty much kills you. There comes a point where you hate yourself for being the type of person who could never attain their love.

I wonder when I'll break out of the vicious cycle and stop holding on the absurd hope of someday being with her.

 

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." - Homer Simpson.

 

Homer: Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Lisa: Even you?

Homer: Especially me.

 

Okay, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. Let's just take this exam so I can get back to killing you with beer. ... Homer Simpson

 

Millicent: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars. Cash.

Homer: Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

 

"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece." _ Lisa Simpson

 

"My name is Inigo Montoya. you kill my father! prepare to die"

 

<link>once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.

<hokage> *cries*, scary....

 

 

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:------

2)I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

3) Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

4) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

5) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

6) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

7) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

8) Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

9) Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

10) I intend to live forever-so far, so good.

13) When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

14) What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

16) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as far as empty experiences go its one of the best"

"The difference between sex and death is with death you can do it alone and no one will make fun of you"

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet"

"I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced"

“You can’t say civilizations don’t advance… in every war they kill you a new way”

“Feminism seems to be a case of women having a leg-wrestling match with their own other leg. There is only one thing for men to do in response to this confusing situation, which is the same thing men have always done, which is anything women want”

 

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain”

 

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society”

 

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principle difference between a dog and a man”

 

"Vision is the art of seeing things invisible."

Jonathon Swift

 

 

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

 

1)If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

2)When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

3)It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

4)At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

5)Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling

6)I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex

7)Have you ever seen a child, on his way to school, have a car drive past and splash him, and then he just stands there and thinks if he should just go to school or go home and change and be late... And then I drove past and splashed him again!

8)I once met an assassin who's nickname was fart. I ask him why he has this nickname and he tells me it's because he's silent but deadly.

9)I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit the high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals

10)A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

11)Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis

12)One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

13)We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

14)If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

15)Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

16)I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

17)Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

18)If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

19)Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

20)To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

21)"I imagine a world without guns, without weapons, without war. Then I imagine us attacking that world, cause they never suspected"

22)"I wonder is the world just a mess of screaming and yelling, as I sit and watch the lights go from green to yellow to red, and back again"

23)"If you're falling from a skyscraper the thing to do is to make your arms and legs go limp like a dummy, because then maybe someone will come over and try to catch you, cause, hey, free dummy!"

 

"Human body! Lestat, you can't become human by simply taking over a human body! You weren't human when you were alive! You were a born monster, and you know it. How the hell can you delude yourself like this." - Louis, On Lestat. 'Tales of the Body Thief'

 

"Lestat! You are the damnest creature." Marius, Queen of the Damned

 

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. -Rincewind.

 

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong. Rincewind

 

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon – he'd run them all. Later, when he learned with some surprise what the word actually meant, he'd been equally certain he wasn't one. He was a person who divided the world quite simply into people who were trying to kill him and people who weren't. That didn't leave much room for fine details like what colour anyone was. {The Last Continent, 1998}

 

"Last one into the water's a man standing all by himself on the beach!" The Chair of Indefinite Studies, Unseen University, Ankh-Morpork, Discworld, from the book The Last Continent,

 

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. Rincewind, Rincewind the Wizard

 

"'I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet!' he hissed. 'I'm afraid of grounds.'

'You mean heights,' said Conina. 'And stop being silly.'

'I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!'

-- Sourcery

 

"Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living."

 

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

 

The truth is that even big collections of ordinary books distort space, as can readily be proved by anyone who has been around a really old-fashioned secondhand bookshop, one of those that look as though they were designed by M. Escher on a bad day and has more staircases than stories and those rows of shelves which end in little doors that are surely too small for a full-sized human to enter.

 

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.

 

Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad. --Rincewind, "Interesting Times

 

Just because it's not nice doesn't mean it's not miraculous.--Terry Pratchett

 

Angua: Don't worry, we won't need weapons.

Cheery: Oh, good.

Angua: They wouldn't be any use.

Cheery: Oh.

--From "Feet of Clay

 

 

Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.--Sourcery

 

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.--Wyrd Sisters

 

"When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. "

 

Confuscious Say: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucious says: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confuscious say: Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.". ...

Confuscious say: Man who drops watch in toilet is having a crappy time"

 

"The gesture of rejection which always met me did not mean "I don't love you," but rather; "you can't love me much as you like it; you are unhappily in love with your love for me, yet your love for me isn't in love with you.' therefore it is not right to say I’ve known the words 'I love you'; all I’ve known is the expectant silence that should have been broken by my saying "I love you." -Frankz Kafka, on Milenna Jesensica.

 

"I will do this. Nothing in my life matters except this. No moment in my life exist except this moment. I am born in this moment, and if i fail, I will die in this moment."- Raistlin Majere

 

"Yes, even If I'm twisted and warped I'm Smarter then you - All of you! Someday, You with all your strength and Charm and good looks, you - all of you will bow down before me and call me MASTER" --- Raistlin Majere.

 

"... I can, We've all been laughed at one time in our lives; we've all been jealous of a sibling; we have felt pain and suffered, just as he suffered; and we've all longed - just once - for the power to crush our enemies! We pity him, we hate him, we fear him, all because there is a little of him in each of us, though we admit it to ourselves only in the darkest hour of the night." -Justanius, in regard to Raistlin Majere.

 

"Magic is giving. You cannot expect to have but not to give. Magic does not come from words nor gestures within yourselves. Magic flows through your brain to your spine and to your arms and hands. Empty words do nothing but move the lips." -Par-Salin, Magic Aprendix.

 

"In ancient times, sorceresses sought to learn the one true spell that would give them power over the world and understand all the magic. The one True Spell was a women, and her name was Mystra - and her kisses were wonderful."

 

"Sharp Shooter are Loners by Nature. We hone our instincts, pouring our beings into a single bullet... the power of the moment, the release of each bullet means life and death. No, You do not understand, SO Just Let Me Be!" -Ivannan Kinnes

 

 

It wasn't a dark and stormy night.

It should have been, but there's the weather for you. For every mad scientist who's had a convenient thunderstorm just on the night his Great Work is complete and lying on the slab, there have been dozens who've sat around aimlessly under the peaceful stars while Igor clocks up the overtime. - Good Omens

 

"Love must've been blind. Cause I certainly didn't see this one coming."

 

"Afraid of the dark? Well you should be. Cause the only evil thing there is me!" -Dark Snider

 

"Fate is like a caged gorilla. It will pelt you with dung if you mock it." -Warriv.

 

I'm not prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

 

"You can hate me cuz I am different,but you really hate me cuz I am not like you."

 

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugliness goes right thru the bone.

 

"You can't tell me what to do! You are not the Voices!"

 

"I'm not Smiling, I'm Frowning Up-Side down =)"

 

"Don't you worry, Totadile, I'm gonna teach you how to be successful in love, just like me!" - Brock

 

"I wasn't calling for you. I said psychic, not psychotic!" - Jessie to Wobbuffet

 

"Snap, Crackle, Pop"<--the last words you hear before being eaten alive by your cereal

 

Dhremus: I'm afraid you've mistaken me for some one else, I'm Boob, this is my good friend Moron, and behind me you'll find Brainless and Dimwit.

 

When you are lost in the world of Archmage-all confusing things make sense - Deliah

 

"I hail from the magical land of frolicking naked nymphs, where your every desire is granted by bald, blubbering bugbears."

 

Glimni Gnollslayer: There will be a house-boat full of gibberling on every lake in the realms before I let you back in the party!

 

Xzar: Oh! How you would tempt me so! I will pine away the days on this very spot lamenting your distinct lack of humanity! And picking daisy's, WHEEEE!"

 

"We interrupt this program to annoy you, and make things generally irritating."

 

"Look Boo! Squirrells! Quick, throw nuts!" -Minsc

 

Corianth: I see you still have that... rodent. Dare I ask how he slipped past our captors?

Minsc: Boo is fast and agile, and there is ever so much of Minsc to search!

Imoen: Ewwww... I really don't wanna think about that too much.

 

Jan: I've heard this tune before. It's right up there on the oldies-but-goodies list with "Fail and I kill you". Or, maybe in this case, it's that variant sung by the famous ogre bard Chumba-Kahn, "Fail and I eat you". Of course, we could always just leave...

 

Boy: Gee, mister... your robe is so colourful... Can I be like you when I grow up? Pleeeaaaasseee?

Edwin: A commendable statement child, but... no, NO! Back, back! (Somebody get this... thing... off of me! It's...hugging...me...)

 

Peasant: Aye, now, is that a rat yer carryin' there fella? He looks nice and plump. How's about two coppers for 'im?

Minsc: No! Boo is NOT for eating! Boo is mighty and wise and probably quite stringy. Er, and he is my companion!

 

Minsc: Boo says such a sphere would not fit in my pocket. If I can't carry it with me, it's just not a good buy.

Man: Oh, the little fella says all that does he? What else does he say?

Minsc: Occasionally he mutters about fellow hamsters that will kill you all, but he is just moody. See how he glares? We should leave him be.

 

Lilarcor: So, are we gonna kill something now?

Minsc: May I have your advise, o sentient sword?

Lilarcor: Advise eh? Well besides working on your swordsmanship, y'know besides that, I'd have to think. *The sword is silent for several minutes* Umm, uh, f-find the wizard guy. Yeah sure! Find 'im, and kill 'im!Kill kill kill kill kill! Woo-hooo!

 

 

"Someone must have done something very bad to make a rock that angry." -Rebel scout

 

"The Kjeldorans keep the Orcs at bay, and we train their healers. Most human bargains aren't as fair." -Laina of the Elvish Council

 

The Elves train our healers and we keep the Orcs at bay. Most Elvish bargains aren't as fair." -General jarkeld, the Arctic Fox

 

"A ruler wears a crown while the rest of us wear hats, but which would you rather have when its raining?" - Barrin, Principia

 

"I'm sure it comes with the place. I don't think you build one on purpose" - Gerred (Flavored text from "Bottomless Pit")

 

There is time when destiny calls forth a people and demands an action. Now is the Time, We are the People. This is our action. Charge!"

 

"Knowledge is no more expensive then ignorance, and at least as satisfying" - Barrin, Master Wizard.

 

"The ingredient for panic includes equal parts danger, uncertainty, and helplessness."

 

"'Davvol, Blast those elves. Davvol, transport those troops.' No one Cares that today is my birthday."

 

"And the Ignorant shall fall to the squirrels!" Chip 2:54

 

“Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead."

—Jaya Ballard, task mage

“Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire."

—Jaya Ballard, task mage

 

 

"Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery*. My mother was a fifteen-year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy... the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess in the insane lament. My childhood was typical... summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds... pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it."

 

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like -- night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet

 

"Love is Self-Torment with a Twist in the end."

 

John Milton got married and wrote "Paradise Lost", Then his Wife died and he wrote "Paradise Refound."

 

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

 

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

 

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

 

These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

 

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

 

 

Top 10 reasons MARI is losing money:

 

1) They trusted Wyvern as an insurance agent.

2) They continuously have to reconstruct their building after having vigorous in door Nimball tournaments.

3) Bead has to buy a constant supply of strange ties...

4) The UBBs are actually upheld by the yakuza, and MARI has to pay 'protection money'.

5) At the last Archmage gathering in Vegas, Bead and Nahual were violently mugged by the Archmage masses after suggesting to make multi-maging legal to increase funds. The hospital bills were enormous.

6) They have to buy straight jackets for all the UBB moderators, especially Iuz...

7) Their project "Archmage the Movie: the Life and Times of MARI inc." was the biggest flop film ever.

8) All of the staff got addicted to the unreleased Stabat Mater project and ended up not working.

9) Birdman refused to come back unless they got him a deluxe birdhouse and gourmet birdseed.

10) AT&T decided to steal Orlan's rejected project and start Archchocolate on their own server. Players started switching to that...

 

A god-awful ugly, grotesquely obese, sweaty naked lady. Who is sitting on a vinyl couch, hitting you over the head with the under cooked leg and thigh portions of a 48 1/2 pound turkey. All the while screaming at the top of her lungs, "THE TUNA! THE TUNA! I WANT THE TUNA!" and that, my dear TimeRipper, is life. ~Snypiuer

 

"One Day, I'll have a signature longer and more varied then the infamous 'Lord of the Gay', and the get deleted by a jealous moderator." - Psycholis

 

Don't argue with an idiot; they will bring you down to their level then beat you with experience In honor of Shivv (August 29, 1986-August 29, 2076)

 

"How are you Gentelmage, all your Mr.Bunnies are belong to us."

 

---And what is it with those people with the fantastically long sigs? Don't they have anything BETTER to do? I mean, would it KILL you people to shorten it a little?

 

---And while we're at it, why can't you just say 'signature?' Is the effort required to type 'nature' really that much?

 

---So what about those people who make new topics 'just to test the new sig?' Those people can just POST, like everyone else.

 

--And you know what else bothers me? When people go on and on about the SLIGHTEST triviality. I say, punch 'em right then and there.

Absolutely stolen from Stargazers Funnies:

 

“I like being able to anticipate your wants and needs, but the only person actually responsible for them is you,” she said. “Not everybody in this world is going to be nice, but if you won’t tell people what you want… or don’t want… you aren’t giving them much choice.”

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

 

 

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

 

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

 

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

 

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

 

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

 

Rule 6: If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

 

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

 

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

 

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

 

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

 

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

 

 

Words to Live By

 

Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.

 

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

 

When you're laying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"

 

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.

 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

 

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

 

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

 

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

 

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

 

Deg: [You know damn well why, I'm sick of editing, and will start deleting.]

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