I Reflect

[Silver WInd]

This is a poem I first wrote as part of a challenge and just sort of spun it off the top of my head, but I like the overall concept and structure of it, but think it could do with some polishing off, as well as I think I might want to add more. Any suggestions, coments, critique, critizism, welcome, that I can consider and ponder in the re-writing process.

 

As I sit here

surrounded by marble

cool stone hard beneath me

I reflect back...

 

I wonder,

are you out there.

somewhere

thinking of me?

 

There were sweet days

in winter snow

and we stood hand in hand

and watched the water pass,

 

but those days have long past

I was taken away

away from you

 

so now while I wait

for my train to roll in

I wonder,

think to myself

are you laying there

somewhere

thinking

of me?

[Wyvern]

Sweet poem, Silver Wind. :-) The theme of people wondering if others are thinking of them and longing for caring is a universal one, and is definitely easy to relate to and sympathize with. I find it interesting that the narrator thinks of her friend/loved one after seeing her own reflection, as it almost seems to suggest that she only cares about the person in relation to the way he/she makes her feel. Should you choose to add more to the poem, I would recommend expanding upon the emotions associated to the narrator's contemplations and delving deeper into the relationship and the narrator's own feelings... I think that the part about their seperation could be expanded in particular, as the fourth stanza felt a bit empty and left me desiring something. You also might consider offering more details on the "sweet days of winter snow" and the train that the narrator is waiting for, as alone they're rather typical poetic images but with a few original and personal details they can be rendered vivid and moving.

 

Thanks for sharing this here, Silver Wind. :-) I hope that the challenge goes well.

[Silver WInd]

Thank you very much for your suggestions and coments. I agree that there are areas of the poem that could use with more expanding and deatil, and that the way it currently is, comes off as more of an outline for the idea. I do wish to bring more to it, and I will keep in mind your advice for this one.

[Peredhil]

The feeling reminds me of a Moody Blues' song, "I know you're out there somewhere". Which isn't the name, I don't think, but a line in it. Right now, I'm missing someone and thinking of them, and this poem tapped into that feeling well. Thank you for putting words to feeling.