OxygenPlant Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Bringing forth serenity Peace from within The frowning clock face batters me Outside and in Trading bone for bone My perceptual black market begins Fading in and out Bleak clarity Though clarity through and through The concept not beyond me Through choice out of reach By sight I deny that I see Sweet little untruth You fool only yourself To feign before becoming feigned I have beaten you I have beaten myself Joined by defeat we praise The battle that has seen weaker days Silly little frowning clock face. I am immortal. Can't you see? Beaten I will never be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OxygenPlant Posted September 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Agh. The amount of times I went to write crowning fock face was so infuriating! Slander away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 I quite enjoyed this. Some great lines and it had a really good rythem to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OxygenPlant Posted September 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 Awww shucks! I wasn't expecting anyone to like this. thank yoou:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted September 9, 2007 Report Share Posted September 9, 2007 (edited) Your material is good, but seems to me, that this poem could benefit greatly from nuance and hesitation via choices pauses (varied at different lengths). Punctuation is one strategy for accomplishing this. See my write up on Carl Phillips in the AAA Classroom for example of this technique taken to the extreme: Dreamlost Class 3 "Halo" Poem Analysis of "Halo" Edited September 9, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OxygenPlant Posted September 10, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 (edited) Yeah, I considered that as I was typing it into the forum thing, but I prefer to keep my writing raw. I write it as I'm thinking it or feeling it, and I don't go back and edit. I agree with you, but pass. Edited September 10, 2007 by OxygenPlant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted September 10, 2007 Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 "Oxygen mocks me!" cried Tick-Tock Man, his bolts and time gone all screwy. "Clockface? How dare he! It really is scary, these thoughts of clocks going kablooey" Poetry Pooper just took out a pad and started jotting some notes. "If clocks these thoughts chime on Tick-Tock Man's time they really are worthy of quotes." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted September 10, 2007 Report Share Posted September 10, 2007 (edited) Oxy: Ah, you never know. Writing last as long as it's remembered. You might change your mind one day. I did. Like even great impromptu works like the insanely long 120 foot scroll that Jack Kerouac typed "On the Road" on went through some revisions in the end. But nothing wrong with being Retro. Edited September 10, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OxygenPlant Posted September 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2007 (edited) I hadn't disregarded your advice. Although I'm not following it for this piece, I'll keep it in mind for future ones. I like to be able to look back and make comparisons on uncensored mistakes. I appreciate that you took the time to point it out. thank you. Edited September 11, 2007 by OxygenPlant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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