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Leng

From the shoeboxes ..

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Home

 

Within the strength of the walls

Upholds the strong haven from all

From the smells of the stove

Stirs the warmth of two

 

Over the sounds of the outside

Bonds the souls inside

Above all calls heard

Holds the love lived

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New and old ...

 

New horizon

For shared lives to explore

Old process

For like minds to think

New friends

For same spirits to be

Old words

For kindred souls to share

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First poem: Nice ending, but you need a pause of some sort after "within" in the first line to pull it off your conceit.

 

Second poem: nice construction--tight/tense. Consider relooking "Old Process" There is a nuance of like or complementary sounds that link your two word header phrases in line 1, 5, 7. Try to replicate that in line 3 more or else heavily contrast it for dramatic effect.

 

 

my thoughts,

 

rev...

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Very nice poems, Kee. :-) In your "Home" poem, the lines "From the smells of the stove/ Stirs the warmth of two" really stood out to me, as they felt fitting in describing a homely setting. I thought the choice of "two" as the number there was particularly interesting and effective, and the lines were both very nicely phrased. I also agree with reverie that the form of "New and old..." was well-done, especially with the repetition of "New" and "Old." I definitely relate to the concept of kindred souls sharing old words, and thought the incorporation of "words" in the poem was a very nice touch.

 

Very cool stuff Kee, I look forward to reading more of your work. :-)

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Many thanks for the pointers .. I will try to improve.

 

I am so used to writing short poems on any type of paper (including napkins) and stuffing all these papers into shoeboxes (I am a crazed shoe-shopper - thus the many shoeboxes) .. that I don't have time to re-think my poems. I did write for a friend who has great pictures and once I figured out how to attach those poems together with the pictures, I will post them too.

 

Again, my appreciation for your kind words.

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Living

 

Mindless work

Breathless life

But then

Take time

Or else

Lose spirit

Take heed

Make time

Failing which

Lose life

Use time

Savour passion

No excuses

Live life

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Oh how I like when random encounters turn worthwhile like this ^_^

 

In the last one, I like how you switch between imperative and implication all the way through, without really changing tone.

One thing I ran into which you might look at yourself -if you ever look back ;)- is that when you stick to very short lines, longer lines mess up implied rythm rather fast, like here, I trip over the two four-syllable lines at the end. Might just be me though :P

Overall very nice work indeed Kee ^_^

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Aging Comforts

 

Tis morning

Time to wake up

Turning to feel

The breath of life

Tis day

Time to do chores

Trying to pass

The minutes of life

Tis evening

Time to cook dinner

Taking great care

These small acts of life

Tis night

Time to snuggle in bed

Telling each other in whispers

Those loving moments of life

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