a poem

[Loki Wyrd]

Like tectonic plates, stress builds, accumulates

until drastic shifts. upheaval. waves crash

Shutters drawn around eyes. Punched in. Stares through

a derailed train--full of spectators--bobbing then gone

 

Shards of glass / glistening caught in the web

of flies' wings. Settling upon the broken bodies

Child cradled in the cold arms of his mother; hoping

to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies

from her face--still almost seeming to blink

 

when he looks away, closing his own to hear

murky shrieks. Distant

Yet knowing he must set out to find them

 

 

 

 

I just wrote this. Knowing my personality, I will do many revisions.

Edited March 22, 2007 by Loki Wyrd

[Merelas]

This is very sad.

 

I think you've got a lot going on in this poem; some very good, some not so good.

 

First what I think can improve, so that I can end on a good note . Your beginning is "stress builds"... or at least that is the real beginning of the poem for me since it is the first really active part. I read that and I thought, "aha, a poem about stress. An interesting analogy with tectonic plates." And it is an interesting analogy, if this poem were about stress. I'm not sure what you want it to be about right now, but it is not about stress. It's about disasters and the way people respond to them, how they grieve, and how they happen. Which is fine. If that's what you want it to be about, I would revise the first line:

 

"With tectonic plates, stress builds, accumulates",

 

so that the part about tectonic plates isn't forming a simile that builds expectations. Then again, you do have the interesting "broken expectations" game working in your favor as it stands now.

 

But on the good side, you have amazing imagery. Your tone is completely consistent thoughout the poem (something I have come to appreciate), and it completely meshes with the theme you've developed. The broken sentence fragments and such are incredibly powerful... "shattered glass" is really good, in my opinion, perhaps because it sounds good, but perhaps because it sounds really good in context. Overall, good work.

[Loki Wyrd]

Thank you for taking the time to reply & sharing with me your thought process in reading this. I use "Like tectonic plates" to frame this poem and the metaphors within. While there's nothing wrong with reading this in the literal sense, the word "like" is meant to serve a purpose, as well as to add a sense of chaos to the initial paragraph. You might also note other aspects that seem out of place...spectators, shutters drawn around eyes. I don't intend to share the precise thoughts that triggered the poem, most important is the emotion conveyed.

Edited March 23, 2007 by Loki Wyrd

[reverie]

Suggestion:

 

 

Like tectonic plates, stress builds,

accumulates until a drastic shift:

Upheaval. Waves crash, shutters drawn

around eyes. Punched in. Stared through

a derailed train--full of spectators, bobbing then gone.

 

Shards of glass-- glistening caught in the web

of flies' wings--settling upon the broken bodies,

child cradled in the cold arms of his mother (Maybe, not sure) , hoping

to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies

from her face -- still almost seeming to blink

 

when he looks away, closing his own

to hear murky shrieks--distant,

yet knowing he must set out to find them

 

 

**

haven't quite squared the conclusion. Reminds me of that Apocalypto movie though.

Memory vs reality vs need

Edited March 24, 2007 by reverie

[Loki Wyrd]

Like tectonic plates
	 stress builds -- accumulates
						  drastic shifts 
										Upheaval	 
					waves crash		 waves crash
Shutters drawn over eyes.  Punched in.  Stares through

a derailed train  (of spectators)  bobbing then gone

Shards of glass		 caught in the web
of flies' wings   Settling upon the broken bodies
Child cradled in the cold arms of his mother; hoping
to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies
from her face -- still almost seeming to blink

when he looks away.

Closing his own eyes,	 submerged
in a disturbing transparency
of murky shrieks & shudders: starts of the mind
Refracted out of wavelength.

 

Thanks for your input, Reverie. I had enough time to distance myself so that I could see it again -- feedback always helps expedite this process.

Edited March 26, 2007 by Loki Wyrd

[reverie]

no problem. Oh plust, I'm just starting to grasp just how subjective punctuation really is in poetry, so my suggestions may not jive with your intentions. Oh the rules are still the rules, and like anything you can break them. But even within the rules, there are so many possibilities out there. don't believe me? Here something fun. find a work originally published in a language other than english with multiple translations to english (or some other language / vice versa). Compare any give page or paragraph / stanza of the translations. Putting aside work /idiom choice the differences that come up will show you just how nuanced punctuation can be.

 

sorry am babbeling.

 

rev...

[Loki Wyrd]

Like tectonic plates

stress builds -- accumulates

drastic shifts

Upheaval

waves crash waves crash

Shutters drawn over eyes. Punched in. Stares through

 

shards of glass caught in the web

of flies' wings Settling upon the broken bodies

Child cradled in the cold arms of his mother; hoping

to infuse her with warmth, brushing away the flies

from her face -- still almost seeming to blink

 

when he looks away.

 

Closing his own eyes, submerged

in a disturbing transparency

of murky shrieks & shudders: starts of the mind

Refracted out of wavelength.