Savage Dragon Posted February 27, 2007 Report Share Posted February 27, 2007 (edited) This is the First Draft, the revision is a few more posts down "...anyone?..." she hadn't really taken the feeling seriously at first. there had been a time where growing up must have been a strange and wonderful journey, but in this world where magazines told you what to wear and television told you what to buy and even the movies told you how to love, the surprise had faded and every girl and boy knew how they were supposed to grow up and what they were to feel. so the emotion hadn't been very surprising, when she stepped out of herself for moment and saw it, she recognized it as typical teen angst that went in conjunction with her hormonal growth. she told herself that it wasn't real and it would just fade with time. but it didn't, instead it grew stronger. though she continued to ignore it, it became oppressive. she felt it in the classroom, she felt it with her friends, and she felt it at home. she felt it most at home. and it wasn't the sinister black force like the world had told her to expect. it was worse. it was the dull gray of indifference. they just didn't care. she felt oppressed by their constant apathy. all around her she saw beauty. there was beauty in the sky and beauty in the trees. when she stopped and just looked around her, she saw it everywhere as though it flowed from her hands for her to paint the world with. but she was the only one who seemed to see it, their eyes were glazed over and they only stared straight forward as they moved further down the line, muttering. she loved to learn and yet despised school, knowing too well the mockery it made of education. none of them seemed to understand her desire not to be streamlined with the rest of them. she wanted to be different, not act different, not look different... she wanted to be. today's argument was no different from the previous. the trivial center of the argument was new, but the underlying conflict was always the same. her parents wanted a safe and secure future for her. she wanted an exciting one. she had tried explaining and she had tried screaming and she had tried being insulting, but today she just went outside. she walked briskly, clinging to the thin jacket she had grabbed on her way out of the door. her stomach ached. her eyes stung from the cold. her heart beat unsteadily, weary from the burden it was never designed to carry. she only watched her feet as they stumbled along the side of the road. when she came to the corner, she leaned against a fence that stood there and cursed, just once. she looked up, ready to unleash again, but was startled instead. hovering just a few stories in the air was a light and though it was the brightest she could remember ever seeing, she didn't flinch away. she almost fell forward in her desperate need to follow this light, hoping desperately it might hold... some clue, some answer, just something. the light lifted over the center of a small park in the center of the city, full of moving people who viewed the park only as a means to get from one side to the other. at first she thought she might be the only one who saw it, no one else was headed toward the light, but as she stood there she noticed how, just a few, paused and tilted their head to stare quizzically before returning to their previous path. slowly the light faded and as it did, it lowered to the grass of the park below and there stood a boy. he looked about eight. everything about the boy said average. average hair, average weight, average clothes, average height. and blue eyes, very blue eyes. smiling, he looked around, taking in his surroundings and unmindful of the fact that no one paid any more attention to him. and then he spoke and this time they all stopped and turned their heads as his voice reached out to them, clearly and strongly so that they all heard despite his small stature. "I'm here to share." silence. "I'm here to share with you everything I know. I can unravel great secrets of life for you. I can guide you to a life of peace and enlightenment. Come share with me and end your days of strife and ignorance." he looked so proud of himself when he'd finished, she could hardly breathe in the silence that followed. together, as though in a choreographed dance, they all turned and walked on in silence again. as one collective body they gave their answer. it was worse than if they had taken the time to simply say no. the crush on the boy's face was complete. his eyes fell to stare at his feet and he looked ready to cry. his voice cracking, he whispered "doesn't anyone want to share?" "...anyone?..." slowly, she raised her hand edit: fixed typos, thank you Patrick Edited April 3, 2009 by Savage Dragon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted February 27, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2007 i'll probably come back and work on this again later... for now, any comments? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted February 28, 2007 Report Share Posted February 28, 2007 I like this piece, Savage Dragon. :-) The narrator feels very distant from the girl in the manner that he tells the story, though the phrasing of "she wanted to be" at the end of the fourth paragraph does suggest a certain sympathy on his part. Keeping the protagonist at a distance from the narrator and reader works well for this piece in my opinion, as it really manages to highlight the girl's problems and put them at the forefront of the narrative. Also, I really like how you start the story off with the lonely "...anyone?..." and end it on a hopeful note with the girl raising her hand. The angelic aspects of the child were also interesting, though his dialogue felt a little "textbook metaphor"-type plain to me. Anyway, this is nice stuff Savage Dragon. :-) Thanks for sharing it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted February 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2007 i know exactly what you mean Wyvern, the angel's text is not art all what i'd like it to be.... i'm just not really sure how to write for an angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Savage Dragon Posted April 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2009 "...anyone?..." she hadn't really taken the feeling seriously at first. there had been a time where growing up must have been a strange and wonderful journey, but in this world where magazines told you what to wear and television told you what to buy and even the movies told you how to love, the surprise had faded and every girl and boy knew how they were supposed to grow up and what they were to feel. so the emotion hadn't been very surprising and when she stepped out of herself for moment and saw it, she recognized it as typical teen angst that went in conjunction with her hormonal growth. she told herself that it wasn't real and it would just fade with time. but it didn't, instead it grew stronger. though she continued to ignore it, it became oppressive. she felt it in the classroom, she felt it with her friends, and she felt it at home. she felt it most at home. and it wasn't the sinister black force like the world had told her to expect. it was worse. it was the dull gray of indifference. they just didn't care. she felt oppressed by their constant apathy. all around her she saw beauty. there was beauty in the sky and beauty in the trees. the flowers, the birds, even the insects buzzing sang to her every moment of every day. when she stopped and just looked around her, she saw it everywhere as though it flowed from her hands for her to paint the world with. but she was the only one who seemed to see it, their eyes were glazed over and they only stared straight forward as they moved further down the line, muttering. she loved to learn and yet despised school, knowing too well the mockery it made of education. none of them seemed to understand her desire not to be streamlined with the rest of them. she wanted to be different, not act different, not look different... she wanted to be. today's argument was no different from the previous. the trivial center of the argument was new, but the underlying conflict was always the same. her parents wanted a safe and secure future for her. she wanted an exciting one. she had tried explaining and she had tried screaming and she had tried being insulting, but today she just went outside. she walked briskly, clinging to the thin jacket she had grabbed on her way out of the door. her stomach ached. her eyes stung from the cold. her heart beat unsteadily, weary from the burden it was never designed to carry. she only watched her feet as they stumbled along the side of the road. when she came to the corner, she leaned against a fence that stood there and cursed, just once. she looked up, ready to unleash again, but was startled instead. hovering just a few stories in the air was a light and though it was the brightest she could remember ever seeing, she didn't flinch away. she almost fell forward in her desperate need to follow this light, hoping desperately it might hold... some clue, some answer, just something. the light lifted over the center of a small park in the center of the city, full of moving people who viewed the park only as a means to get from one side to the other. at first she thought she might be the only one who saw it, no one else was headed toward the light, but as she stood there she noticed how, just a few, paused and tilted their head to stare quizzically before returning to their previous path. slowly the light faded and as it did, it lowered to the grass of the park below and there stood a boy. he looked about eight. everything about the boy said average. average hair, average weight, average clothes, average height. and blue eyes, very blue eyes. smiling, he looked around, taking in his surroundings and unmindful of the fact that no one paid any more attention to him. and then he spoke and this time they all stopped and turned their heads as his voice reached out to them, clearly and strongly so that they all heard despite his small stature. "I'm here to share." silence. "I'm here to share with you everything," he said. he went on to describe the path away from darkness that the world as a whole had turned to. he shared the answer to the end of poverty, hunger, disease, even the end of unhappiness. he explained how easily the planet could be restored to its original beauty and strength and how mankind could live along side it's wonders. he didn't promise an easy way out, far from it, the changes to be made would be difficult and long but the end result would bring life and color to all nations and their children. he looked so proud of himself when he'd finished, she could hardly breathe in the silence that followed. and then together, as though in a choreographed dance, they all turned and walked on in silence again. as one collective body they gave their answer. it was worse than if they had taken the time to simply say no. the crush on the boy's face was complete. his eyes fell to stare at his feet and he looked ready to cry. his voice cracking, he whispered "doesn't anyone want to share?" "...anyone?..." slowly, she raised her hand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted April 3, 2009 Report Share Posted April 3, 2009 Wow. you nailed it. I know this grey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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