Whisky in Babylon Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 (edited) Alright I have not written anything in years so its not going to be anything special or even that good but here goes: Miss Queen Sitting high on the throne With roses and wine Kissing the cheeks of all who are pretty But none are as lovely as you Miss Queen Who shines on the Tv and flipped through the pages Oh! Miss Queen Give me your secrets What pill do I buy? What meal do I skip? I want to be pretty like you Miss Queen I am a size 8 make me a 0 Look Miss Queen How Lovely my ribs are How Tiny my hips are How Thin my arms are How very lovely I've become just like Miss Queen Because I've swallowed the pill and skip the meal See Miss Queen Prices that I've paid The Health I've forsaken But its alright Im beautifully dying now Miss Queen Nevermind death though at least I will be Lovely Just Like You Miss Queen. -------- And there you have it... Miss Queen. Please feel free to help me make it better I know I could use the advice Edited February 8, 2007 by Whisky in Babylon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 (edited) Welcome. If this is any indication of what you're capable of, then you should seriously consider developing your talent. You've got the spark, and it looks like a decent grasp on how to balance syntax vs line lengths n'such. Might I suggest dispensing with the all capitalized first words of each line. Oh sure, it's a valid convention in poetry, but it's a little dated. Off the top of my head, I played around a little with your first two stanzas. Let me know if you want me to do a full critique. *** Miss Queen sitting high on the throne with roses and wine, kissing all that are pretty But none are as lovely as you Miss Queen-- who shines on the TV, and skips/flips/dances/ (or some type of vamp/alluring word) through pages *** rev... Edited February 9, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisky in Babylon Posted February 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 (edited) Well thank you yeah I see what your saying about the capitaliztion, its actually kinda a habit of mine when I write to capitalize things I dont know where I picked it up but I've been trying really hard not do do that. I'd love for you to do a full critique Edited February 9, 2007 by Whisky in Babylon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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