NickCall Posted October 12, 2006 Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 (edited) Shattered Breath A heartfelt whisper On a Shattered Breath A cheerful lullaby From the jaws of Death... I flutter through a Crimson Sky On the broken wings of a butterfly Inspiration flows, with a sparkle and gleam, Somehow from a forgotten dream. A single flower, on the grassless knolls; A child is born while a death bell tolls. Of this bittersweet madness, I do not condone; Loving the presence of others While being alone... I soar across a Crimson Sky On the broken wings of a butterfly Edited October 12, 2006 by Memento Mori Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mira Posted October 12, 2006 Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 Nice imagery, but I seem to be missing the message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickCall Posted October 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2006 Nice imagery, but I seem to be missing the message. Yeah, it's a tad clouded. Essentially it is just the series of paradoxes that live within every person's life and how perplexing they can be at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickCall Posted October 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 I am open to full suggestion. I do love the imagery I've concocted in this work, but the message is hazy, and it seems to bear a foggy purpose. I want to clean it up, maybe add a little more direction to it. Right now it is just generic paradox, but I'd like to give that paradox a fuller purpose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 13, 2006 Report Share Posted October 13, 2006 (edited) Shattered Breath A heartfelt whisper <---(Touch cliche. Why not describe the tone of the whisper instead of an abstraction) On a Shattered Breath--Why caps? Are you referring to a proper noun of some sort, and how does one exactly shatter a breath? Maybe you are referring the visible exhaustion of a breath from someone in cold weather. That could be kind of shattered well dispersed really. Or are you referring to someones dying breath A cheerful lullaby (from the lips of the dying person? If so why personify death in the next line?) From the jaws of Death... (again cliche sounding, plus it reminds me too much of "jaws of life," the tool used by EMT's to pry people out of car accidents. Also you've gone to the trouble to personify Death, but you haven't done much with him.) I flutter through a Crimson Sky (Oh, so the person that died is your persona, bit of an abrupt change.) On the broken wings of a butterfly (You ever seen a butterfly with broken wings fly successfully? "Broken Butterfly" could possibly work cause you be getting all figurative, but it's a stretch.) Inspiration flows, with a sparkle and gleam, Somehow from a forgotten dream. (Doesn't really make sense in the context of your preceding lines. The closest leap I can make is an allusion to entering the afterlife proper or reincarnation.) A single flower, on the grassless knolls; (okay, if put a flower on a knoll, you have to do something with it or it has to represent something. You can do this with metaphor or even better metonymy, but you should set it up before hand. E.G. If you're going call something a glacier, you can help the reader by talking about an igloo or arctic something earlier in the poem A child is born while a death bell tolls. (ah, the circle of life.) Of this bittersweet madness, ("Of" Poetic with a Capital "P" my friend.) I do not condone; (a semi-colon mainly separates two independent clauses. the "loving" clause is the dependant clause of the preceding line) Loving the presence of others While being alone... (ellipses, bad Internet habit. I broke mine, you should consider quiting while you're young) I soar across a Crimson Sky On the broken wings of a butterfly (Pretty, but hollow.) Edited October 13, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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