Mardrax Posted October 5, 2006 Report Share Posted October 5, 2006 (edited) Not entirely happy with it myself, but as always, comments are welcome, and enjoy. Sitting in my bathtub all alone watching the showerhead spew down luke but not seeing Seeing you me Our mutual idioglossia in mute or is it? Am I just seeing things? wishfully thinking? Heard your silent screams suppressed sobs years of cropping up emotions raging on Saw your every scar or probably not but heard some nonetheless felt some Are we really that much the same you and I that you would let me in through your drug-built wall Could you trust me? Would you do the same tomorrow? "Ceea ce am fost, esti tu acum quod mille anni passi sunt" my voices drone on Sitting in my bathtub all alone watching the water cascading down my leg tracing patterns of hair through my thoughts Time to get out edit: horrible language error Edited October 9, 2006 by Mardrax Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted October 5, 2006 Report Share Posted October 5, 2006 I don't have the time to give this poem the long reply it deserves, but I would like to say that "spew down luke" is really original, and the originality pays off. Since this is near the beginning of the poem, it helps to get the reader interested from the very start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted October 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2006 Every reply (directed at me anyways) is an appreciated one Buddha, and if you think something longer is called for than what you can do at the time, you can always post that in bits... the art of patience is a fair one For this though, thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 7, 2006 Report Share Posted October 7, 2006 (edited) Hmm, am a little perplexed by this one, but "Idioglossia" speech is perplexing by definition. I'll just mark a few little things first, then see if something more come's of it. Sitting in my bathtub all alone watching the shower-cap (In my dialect, we'd say "shower-head" instead of cap, which for me at least would clarify the next line.) spew down luke, (like luke-warm water? creative, but slightly confusing. Took a me a minute. I'm not saying change it, it just took me a minute. Again my confustion is probably due to the me taking "shower-cap" as something that is wore on one's head when taking a shower, but this may be due to just a slight disagreement of understanding between dialets.) seeing, but not seeing (my suggestion for this line and the next two lines in the next stanza could probably be handled better line-break wise, but I think this word order works better.) You, me Our mutual idioglossia in mute (might be able to drop the "in" before "mute" as well) (or is it?) (punctuation tricks could really help the flow/rhythm in this stanza, I suggested two, but I'm not the best at that sort of thing. Tzim, Alaeha, Mira, or Ayshela might be able to help you out.) Am I just seeing things? wishfully thinking (expound a little: wishfully thinking them true/real/into existance etc. /// a [insert noun/metaphore etc here] of [our] wishful thinking etc.) Heard your silent screams suppressed sobs years of cropping up emotions raging on Great stanza--solid, but again punctuation might help. Saw your every scar or probably not (not a big fan of 'probably' in poems--personal quirk.) but heard some nonetheless and felt some (aaaah, the you sooo need punctuation to pull this off, I know what you're trying to do, and it'd be so much easier with punctuation (well for the reader that is) rather than solely relying on a line-breaks) Are we really that much the same-- you and I that you would let me in through your drug-built wall? Could you trust me? Would you do the same tomorrow? "Ceea ce am fost, esti tu acum quod mille anni passi sunt" my voices drone on (that's 's' in "drones" is a little telling, maybe too much so. why not drop the "my" and just say "voices drone on.") Sitting in my bathtub all alone watching the water cascading down my leg tracing patterns of hair through my thoughts (nice recap: pretty too.) Time to get out (I see no reason why can't connect this with previous stanza. By leaving it out alone like this you place an insane amount of emphasis on it. And the words themselves are strong enough to do this without the help of the separated line.) Edited October 7, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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