Ravings of a restless mind (or {, as preferred by some)

[Mardrax]

Emptiness, tears.
Tracing back the years.
A history in smears,
crossing the paper.

Loneliness, cold.
The story has been told.
Keep on growing old,
together, yet apart.

Eyes closed, mind pragmatic.
Superimposed, thoughts eratic.
Diagnosed: melodramatic?
Memories enclosed in that attic.

Drowning visions in static.
Closed.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Mardrax

[Appy]

Thanks for posting this

 

The rhythm is unusual and new to me, and you pull it off well. The message even turns positive at the end. Closing off something like you went through is a good thing, I just hope you took enough time for it.

I really enjoyed reading this, so thank you again for posting.

 

*hug*

[Mardrax]

took enough time for what? closing off whatever I was going trough, or actually writing the poem?

in the first case... do we ever? and in the second... I never take time writing poems... jot them down in a few minutes when something pops up... no rewriting or proofreading involved

 

and thank you for commenting *hug*

if anyone else is willing to, or has something to comment, don't hesitate

[reverie]

I never take time writing poems... jot them down in a few minutes when something pops up... no rewriting or proofreading involved

 

Ah, but think of what you could do if you did -- take the time. Seems like you've mastered the art of rhyming within a set meter of your own improvised devising. (which is not an easy thing to do well, even if you already know before hand what beat/tune your going to improve off of...)

 

They say, "To break the rules you have to know the rules first." Well, seems like you know your own style pretty well, why not try breaking out of that mold and showing us what you're really capable of...

 

Yes, this is a challenge. And I think you're more than up to it.

 

rev...

Edited August 26, 2006 by reverie

[Mardrax]

I haven't quite mastered anything Like I said, when (or even, if) something pops up in my head, I jot in down exactly the way it pops up... very little to no thinking involved in the process. When I do, I mess things up

I'm not really molding myself into anything I'd think. I just write (be it words or music) the same way I draw... by putting a pencil somewhere on a piece of paper and looking at what that resulted in when I stop, judging it as it is, tossing it away if I don't approve, which is rarely the case, or putting an autograph beneath it and leaving it be

Rythm comes as soon as I write or draw the first line, play the first few notes, but is bound to change without a possible explanation. Whatever it is you "poety" types refer to as a meter, I don't know, but if you say it's there, I'll gladly believe you

I'm not even taking educated guesses... I work by no rules that I know of, because I don't know any to begin with

 

about that challenge, if something surfaces, I'll be sure to post it, then if I feel like it, I might go into editing it again. however, there I've tried and failed before, though ofcourse, past occurences are by no means a sure way of predicting the future, and I've always been the one to claim most people as being able to do anything as long as they have the will to, guess i should apply that to myself in this case

 

to shut myself up before I start babbling more, another thank you for commenting... it's much appreciated

[reverie]

"Meter is the arithmetical norm, the theoretical structure of the line; and rhythm, the departure from (within the context of) that norm... Meter creates (the) conditions for rhythm, which (in turn) in acts, reinforces...the emotions (of the line). Meter is necessary, but insufficient condition for rhythm... (I.E.) You can have meter without rhythm, but you can't have rhythm without meter." ~Alan Shapiro

 

Since I come form a musical background I think of it like this: Music can be set to a common meter. 4/4 time is four beats in a measure and a quarter note gets the beat. It's a framework. How the individual notes of the measure fill out and deviate from that frame work is the rhythm of the measure. And those deviations are what makes melodies written in the same meter (all other things being equal: chord structure, instrumentation, musical ability, key, intonation, etc) distinct from one another. This is true even in free verse, though the meter changes (or in the case of music, the time signature changes) would be non-standard and could occur more often.

 

Another example: DNA is the framework of human beings, yet no two human beings (save identical twins) are a like.

 

 

As far as your poems go, well keep recording and posting them then. Your writing process (as you describe it) reminds me of how I first started out. I didn't know any rules either, except for my own growing familiarity with the habits I was starting to develop (not to mention the myriad of songs/tunes forever stuck in my head). I wrote like this for at least five or six years before I realized just how much more there was out there for me to explore. And if the me of today was to tell this to the me of 5 years okay, my reaction probably would have been very similar to yours. I'm not saying the way I write now, is eventually how you'll end up, it's just that I recognize inspiration's impulse in you. It taken me years to learn how to harness it beyond automatic writing.

 

best of luck,

 

rev...

Edited August 26, 2006 by reverie

[Psimon]

This 'sounds' to me like a pretty decent rap

 

Emptiness, tears.

Tracing back all the years.

A history in smears,

crossing yesterday's paper.

 

Loneliness, cold.

The story has been told.

Keep on growing old,

together, yet apart.

 

Eyes closed, mind pragmatic.

Superimposed, thoughts eratic.

Diagnosed: melodramatic?

Memories enclosed in that attic.

Drowning visions

in static.

Closed.

And they would be my only suggestions (and only suggestions )

Peace. Out.

 

Remix...

Peace. In.

I would agree with what Rev has said too - try tinkering in the workshop with some new toys - but I would say keep plugging away with what you're doing now too. You may find a new direction you can take, you may find a new trick you can use with your current direction, or you may find something new that you discard completely, screaming "AAaarrggh, get that thing away from me!" LOL

Edited August 26, 2006 by Psimon

[Mardrax]

If I take up the reins you're handing me, and take a few steps back to analyze what I was writing there, I don't think those corrections, or rather, additions fit well into what I was doing (or trying to do) (or what I think I was trying to do 0_o) there.

I think I was refering to what I was writing, in advance. Envision the writing on the paper, tears falling down, the hand inevitably coming in to wipe the paper dry, leaving ink or charcoal rubbed into smears. So if anything, it'd be tomorrow's paper.

"All".... I don't like that word for some reason... reeks of aspiring omniscience to me for some reason 0_o

Next to that relatively meaningless bit, I also think it'd disturb the rythm I've set there. (which, upon closer inspection appears true... 4 lines, 5 syllables each, if you count the comma-induced rest in the first as a syllable... broken only by the last line in the second stanza, which seems to serve as an interlude into the less rythmbound last stanza)

 

The only real disagreements I have with myself in this poem are the (in my ears) kind of abrupt entry of the 3rd stanza, which doesn't smooth right in with the rest, and the "memories" line, where the "enclosed" seems to do about the same. Then again, it's the best word I can think of to go there, even now Also the "in" in the same line bugs me, not because of it's sound, but because of it's presence... kills the rythm

 

Rev, a "thank you" for the explanation (and another to Mister Shapiro), it's not quite clear yet, how to apply it to a mute verbal medium, that is, but for a tool I don't use (consciously), it's something I can be pleased with And for the recognition.

Psimon, thanks for at least trying, and for putting up with my stubbornness in advance

[reverie]

Oh well, a good rule of thumb when trying to write in meter (including free verse) is, if the words your are writing sound forced or unnatural in your own ears, then they probably are. If you become a member, you can check out more of Mr. (actually, I think it's Dr.) Shapiros advice here:

 

http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?s=&a...st&p=116669

 

However, I'm not actually an advocate for writing in 'form' per se, just one that happens to be studying it currently at Uni (well, actually, I'm studying 'style' and 'form' is just the warm up). And I'm trying to pass on all that is practical (and I have time for) that I encounter.

Edited August 27, 2006 by reverie

[Psimon]

LOL, no probs at all, Mardrax

Anything put forward as a suggestion is always at the writer's discretion whether to accept or not - what I suggested sounded better to me, but that is just my reading (aloud) to the rhythm that it suggested to me, if you get my meaning...

I was perhaps influenced by Linkin Park's lyrical style running through my head at the time

If any suggestions don't fit with what you are trying to express then discard them, but I think what we're trying to suggest is simply that, if you are sharing your work, you need to allow that others will almost certainly not read it precisely as you wrote it (although I am a powerful Psionic Druid, I chose NOT to use my telepathy on you... this time! )

 

Like Rev, I'm studying at Uni too (undergrad - several writing and lit. papers) and have come to realise that, as has been noted, in order to break the rules, I have to know what those rules are and how they came to be. A good writer (of any style/genre) is first and foremost a good student of the traditions that have brought us to this point - BUT (and it's a big BUTT ) it ALL depends on what you want to achieve with your writing. As Rev says, if you don't want to walk a path that someone suggests then that is totally cool and I for one will be looking forward to reading more of your writing regardless - I love this one!

 

That's really just a verbose way of saying "I liked it. Keep it up!"

[Mardrax]

Oh well, a good rule of thumb when trying to write in meter (including free verse) is, if the words your are writing sound forced or unnatural in your own ears, then they probably are.

Anything put forward as a suggestion is always at the writer's discretion whether to accept or not - what I suggested sounded better to me, but that is just my reading (aloud) to the rhythm that it suggested to me, if you get my meaning...

I was perhaps influenced by Linkin Park's lyrical style running through my head at the time

If any suggestions don't fit with what you are trying to express then discard them, but I think what we're trying to suggest is simply that, if you are sharing your work, you need to allow that others will almost certainly not read it precisely as you wrote it.

Some coincidence... here I was taking my post-too-little-sleep shower, pondering what Rev said in between the occasional yawn, and I came up with an answer that equalled a somewhat less verbose way of Psi's bit of advice... you guys make a good match

 

That said, I beg to differ on the case Rev makes due to that exact same thing, the way I write (or read, which by themselves may be different alltogether) a poem may, and probably will vary alot from how someone else will read it, in intonation, rythm, meter, so what sounds forced to my ears may very well sound perfectly in place for someone else, be it exactly coinciding with the way they read it, or even just an oddly off-beat note As such, I can't help but agree to other people's interpretations of whatever I create... in fact, the most interesting aspect of creating anything in my book is how other people react to it, percieve it, and as such, I openly welcome anyone's insights.

On the other hand, I don't quite agree with the case Psi makes either... I don't think suggestions in this form are there for the writer to choose to accept it or not, not in my case anyway. I post something to be read by all who would be inclined to do so, and I specifically ask for any comments, hence I should accept any comments, unbiased towards what they tell me. Wether or not I choose to act according to the comments however is an entirely different matter altogether, but with me, you can always count on what you say having an effect on me, be it in the spirit of your words, or exactly opposite... Reaction and counter-reaction... such nice aspects in the universe

 

That bit of what is probably nitpicking over a choice of words aside, yes, I totally understand you when you talk about whatever it is you are guided into by my words, and even if I don't agree with the opinions they set in motion, I apreciate those opinions nonetheless, if only because they offer me an outside look at my work, and probably, at myself because of that.

 

Finally (yes, I have a tendency of getting overly verbose too ), to answer two things at once, I don't think I'll ever become a member... having read the requirements you make of members, I don't think I COULD make good on those, because, with the way I'm writing as it is now, I can't write for a specific purpose, let alone in assignment. I can ofcourse, but it would be a whole different "me" writing. That different "me" is a side of me I would be very willing to develop, taking any advice or instruction you or anyone else can offer to heart. Yet that side of me I feel isn't by far up to scratch with the level you guys and girls (men and women? ) are trying to maintain here at The Pen. Both of which are issues I will very much have to come to terms with, though the one thing I'm not willing to do is force myself to come to terms with it if I don't have the absolute need to, and in fact, I'm not even sure I can, though ofcourse that doesn't, and will not stop me from trying.

That's really just a verbose way of saying "I'd love to walk down any path you could suggest me, it's just that in my current writing habit, I don't think I can... that "me" anyway"

 

I Should really shut up now

Mar

 

Oh and Psi... you can't get trough my mental barrier anyway

Edited August 27, 2006 by Mardrax

[Mardrax]

EDIT:

Emptiness, tears.

Tracing back the years.

A history in smears,

crossing the paper.

 

Loneliness, cold.

The story has been told.

Keep on growing old,

together, yet apart.

 

Eyes closed, mind pragmatic.

Superimposed, thoughts eratic.

Diagnosed: melodramatic?

Memories enclosed up in that attic.

Drowning visions

in static.

Closed.

fixed an awkward point

[Wyvern]

Very good poem, Mardrax. :-) Like Appy, I really appreciate the original structure of the poem, as the rhyme scheme and alignment of multi-syllable words are both very well done. My favorite part of the poem is the last stanza, as the arrangement of words in the first three lines really catches my attention, and the way that you alter the rhyme scheme just a bit for the powerful closing image is excellent. Unlike Appy, the close of the poem has a very negative feel to me, as the words "Drowning," "static," and "Closed" all seem to generate a negative impression.

 

Anyway, very well done. :-) Welcome to the Mighty Pen.

[reverie]

kudos.