jonathan_wolfe Posted July 9, 2006 Report Share Posted July 9, 2006 We are leaving this godforsaken place! On to New Things and New Paradigms Colour the streets with humanity. This changes everything. Movement, pale light of the near-spring. Angel in the moonlight Devil in the sunshine Tastes like bacon, I'm so confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted July 10, 2006 Report Share Posted July 10, 2006 welcome back JW. It's been to long. I'm a little physically/mentally drained at the moment, so I haven't the strenght to give you a proper feedback post. But, I'll see what I do in a day or so. Given a curserory glance it does look good though. Love the Queen's orginal spelling of 'color' too. rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 Hm.... confused. *grins* Feeling about the same. Hm... my viewpoint is that at the heart of it, each stanza could be the heart of a larger poem, but right now they feel disconected from each other. So... Stanza 1: I like the flow and energy, the image it evokes is the final class of school, with students flooding like a river out of the doors, never to return. And yes, graduating does change everything. Stanza 2: Well.... as the last line says... I'm confused. *laughs* Good writing, but I get really weird images of angels and demons eating bacon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 I pretty much agree with Gyrfalcon about this piece, Jonathan. :-) You presented some interesting phrasing and structure in it that really caught my attention, but I had difficulty connecting the two stanzas and was a bit lost when the second stanza transitioned into the "Tastes like bacon" line. It's definitely an eyebrow-raiser of a line, but you might want to expand upon the piece a bit to give the reader more of a hint as to what the narrator may have been tasting (whether it be an actual food or an abstraction like "defeat"). Also, out of curiousity: were the Angel/Devil lines meant to hint at a role reversal of the symbols for good and evil? I had some sense that that was the intention, but I didn't immediately equate "moonlight" to evil... perhaps you could expand upon this element of the poem for clarity, or replace 'moonlight" with a setting that has stronger connotations of evil? Anyway, this definitely struck me as a very ambitious piece, and I'm intrigued to see if you'll develope it further and expand upon it. :-) Very nice to see a new post from you, Jonathan. Welcome back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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