Zepheri Posted May 7, 2006 Report Share Posted May 7, 2006 [Removed by Zepheri's Request] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted May 11, 2006 Report Share Posted May 11, 2006 I like the general tone of the narrator in this piece, as the way that the Devil/demon narrates the poem starts ambivalent and gradually shows the reader that the narrator's an evil figure. The message of giving into malice and facing damnation was also nice, and I liked how the narrator evoked positive elements from negative emotions to render them appealing ("live in your misery" stood out to me, in particular). In terms of general things that you might consider improving: the poem seems to mainly consist of the narrators demands and hypothetical statements, but there were also a few points where the narrator dictated how his subjects felt at a given moment (i.e "Your despair engulfs you" in the first stanza). These moments seemed a little out of place to me in the context of the rest of the piece, and you might consider dropping them or revising them somehow. Similarly, the second narrative voice that appears in the last stanza felt a bit abrupt, and you might consider seperating it somehow to show the reader the seperate line of thought or simply dropping it and sticking to the Devil/demon's point of view. Also, on a more minor note, I would recommend using exclamation points very sparingly, as too many of them in sequence can drown out the effect they're meant to give. Anyway, just a few thoughts on this piece. :-) Thanks for sharing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted May 11, 2006 Report Share Posted May 11, 2006 At first I felt like I was reading something from "Star Wars" then it felt more like a brain washing. gave me shivers Wren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepheri Posted May 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2006 To: Wyvern Once agian, thank you for your help. I'm gald to know you enjoy what I have posted. That makes me very happy. I have taken all of your advice into mind, and like my other poem, I am working on some revisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepheri Posted May 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2006 At first I felt like I was reading something from "Star Wars" then it felt more like a brain washing. gave me shivers Wren Thank you very much for the comment I, at first, didn't see the whole Star Wars thing you spoke of, but then I saw it in the first few lines. So it works...but not what i was going for... Yes it is a little creepy...I like it that way though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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