Zepheri Posted May 5, 2006 Report Share Posted May 5, 2006 [Removed by Zepheri's Request] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepheri Posted May 5, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2006 Feel free to edit this if need be, my grammer is not the best, so forgive me for any problems you guys come across. I hope you enjoy it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted May 7, 2006 Report Share Posted May 7, 2006 Interesting poem, Zepheri. :-) I liked the comparison of the problem to a spreading virus, as it kept me guessing as to whether the trouble was actually physical or just emotional. The repetition in the structure of the poem was also a nice touch, though it started very consistent and gradually seemed to fade as the poem went on. I also liked how the narrator seemed to be coming to grips with her own troubles over the course of the poem. A couple of general comments before I offer some specific things to edit: I was a little confused about whether the narrator was fighting for something inside of herself or against something inside of herself in the poem. After rereading it, I see that it may be a combination of the two, with the loss or suppression of the good thing leading to the festering invasion of the bad thing. I think that my confusion on this point may have come from the structure of the poem, as it jumps from the good element to the bad element to the good element again several times without any line breaks or indications that different "things" are being talked about. There are a few ways that you might be able to clarify this. One way would be to trade in "Things" and "Something" for two more specific sets of emotions, as then the reader would be able to distinguish between them better. Another option might be to rearrange the lines and structure so that the good and bad things are talked about in seperate sections of the poem. Another general comment I have concerns the consistancy of the troubles that the narrator experiences in this poem. At the beginning of the poem, the narrator seems to be mourning the loss of something inside her, yet at the end of it she seems to be aware that something is hiding inside her, and is mourning her inability to "open" it. Are these different elements inside of the narrator, or has the narrator come to a sort of revelation by the end of the poem? --- Anyway, to answer to your specific request for edits, the main thing that struck me as needing attention was usage and spelling. Be careful of words that sound the same, but have different meanings. Some cases of this: line 4 - Is "won't" supposed to read "want" here? "Won't" may have been placed there for effect, in which case it's fine to keep, but "want" does seem to fit better. l. 20 - "more unclear" sounds a bit cluttered due to its positive/negative arrangement here. Perhaps "less clear" would sound a bit smoother? l. 25 - "hole" (a pit) is probably intended here, rather than "whole" (complete). l. 34 - just a typo, but I'm guessing that "scared" was intended here rather than "sacred"? Or was a hint of religion related to the soul implied? l. 43 - is "fill" intended here rather than "feel"? Or is it a reference to the manner that the "thing" feels the space? ll. 47-49 - "within" is one word, and "OK" is commonly either capitalized or seperated with periods (or both... or spelled out as "okay"). l. 59 - is "wander" (to roam) intended here, rather than "wonder" (to desire to know)? I would also recommend dropping the lines "Something is better than nothing/Nothing is better than something," as they strike me as very general statements that have little to do with the theme of the poem itself. --- Grammar is a lot more loose when it comes to poetry, but there were a few moments in this that you might consider revising: l. 9 - the comma in this sentence seperates the object ("need") from the verb ("calls"), which might confuse the reader. Consider dropping the comma, unless you intended it as something other than the need calling. l. 28 - the comma here also may create confusion, as "what I have lost" doesn't seem to stand well on its own. Consider dropping this comma. l. 43 - the semicolon here feels awkward as the phrase preceeding it isn't completely grammatical. One option might be to drop it and replace it with "that." l. 52 - you might consider inserting "had" after "never" in this line to make it more grammatical. --- Anyway, those are just a couple of comments, and other people may have more to add. Thank you very much for posting this and sharing it here. :-) I hope that some of these comments help, and look forward to reading any revisions or new poetry that you have to offer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepheri Posted May 7, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2006 To: Wyvern Thank you for your very helpful comment. I know my spelling and grammar are not the greatest in the world, so I am very happy you took the time to point things out to me. This helps out a lot. *hug* I'm glad you liked it that means something . When I wrote this poem I was going through some things, so I needed to write down how I felt, half way through I started to come to a revelation in the things that were happening. I try in every poem to have an element of "fill in the blanks" Even though I wrote this on how I feel, the "things" and "somethings" could be anything that relates to the reader. For me those words me something different from what it might for you, I indeed to keep it that way. Also I ALWAYS contradict myself, that maybe why you got confused on some things, I say one thing and then say another. That's more or less me coming through then anything. I mean you right somethings go against each other, but I think works anyway. Did I miss a question? If I did let me know and if you have more, feel free to ask. I will post the revised version soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepheri Posted May 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2006 [Removed by Zepheri's Request] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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