Sneaks in and pins up a scribble

[cryptomancer]

Lost to the wonder of the stars,

Alone to wander the night.

My soul tied to you in bows,

Each one plaited with my love’s plight.

 

I set my heart to fly,

Night sips upon my blood,

Each beat of a lonesome heart,

Echoes in a turbulent flood.

 

I was the vessel of my muse

I danced the joy of her touch.

Each fiber flayed and floating free,

A tattered soul that loved too much.

 

Whisper my loving dreams to me,

Tell me my mumbled poems of sleep,

Until we together the evening hold,

My being, incomplete shall weep.

 

[raven]

[Sweetcherrie]

Somehow I get the feeling that this lost love is on her way back?

 

I like this, though at some places it flows a bit like a twisty river...you don't see the bend coming, and the words flick your raft upside down. Pretty cool experience, but after the second time you're wet enough....

 

Still very much appreciated this, and there were a couple of lines that touched the heart, thanks

[WrenWind]

My being, incomplete shall weep.

This is my favorite line, a perfect conclusion to the poem. Thanks for sharing it.

[Parmenion]

There were aspects of this poem that I very much liked and some that I did not like. Lets have a look at what I did like first.

 

The content of the poem, the lover's story is a good old romantic theme of a love unrequieted or more a "sickness at a distance syndrome" as I call it. Love is always a good steady theme for poetry as it affords the poet the opportunity of describing it in many formats utilising much imagery without over using the word itself. The rest of the imagery carried across very profoundly and eloquently the love-sickness I feel you were endeavouring to portray.

 

Lines such as:

 

"Each fiber flayed and floating free,"

 

brilliantly get this across. The alliteration here resonates the sickness like it were hammering out a guitar like strumming on the fibers of every nerve of your being. I felt the alliteration was very well done, easy to read but missing continuance.

 

As Wren already said: "My being, incomplete shall weep." is a very good ending for the poem.

 

I feel that alletiartion when done should be reflected in either its corresponding rhyming line or the following line. This is of course a personal preference so feel free to ignore this observation. I would offer the suggestion that the line following:

 

"Each fiber flayed and floating free"

 

could read:

 

"A sundered soul that sought so much." or

"A silenced soul that loved so much." or

"A simple soul that loved too much.

 

etc...

 

but utilising an alliterative following. Just a thought.

 

My main criticism of this poem is that its beauty is spoilt by its flow. It makes it difficult to read and hurts the otherwise natural progression of your poem in many places. There are many places if words were altered slightly or re-arranged into the lines differently it could read much smoother.

 

But as it stands I did very much enjoy this poem, well done!