yochva Posted February 19, 2006 Report Share Posted February 19, 2006 I rather like this one, and I don't show it around. Thought some of you might enjoy it... FIRST RULE Read it. SECOND RULE Say something about it, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~ Leaves blowing dryly Wind whistling through the chicken wire Empty. A trashcan topples over Echoes rebound from the rusted benches Empty. The padlock is smashed The gates creak wearily on broken hinges Alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ There. Say SOMETHING, please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 The imagery in this poem is very good and you deserve kudos for that. The problem is, it's too good for the "empty" you inject twice and the "alone" you end upon. You seem a little bit afraid to let the imagery stand on its own, without a word blaring out its significance like a brightly lit neon sign. Don't be. The scene you paint does a damn fine job of making an emotional impact, but you clip its wings and reduce its effectiveness by bonking the reader over the head with "empty" and "alone." I think that absent those two words, you'll need a closing stanza relating the poem to something human. I would suggest something along the lines of "Seated by a leaf-clogged fountain/I wonder where she went." But its your poem - do as you wish :-) Hope I wasn't too harsh - I like what you've got so far, and it'd be a terrible shame if you didn't give it the little touch-up it needs to be really good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted February 20, 2006 Report Share Posted February 20, 2006 Ack, I've gone and read it, and now you've charged me with a comment. Well, I don't have much to say, but I'll respect your request and give you the "something". I did enjoy it. Short but powerful. I'm not certain whether I'd have understood the point if the title hadn't said it, but then again I'm not known for understanding poems well. I tend to see only the surface words. At any rate, I liked the imagery. Thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yochva Posted February 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2006 That's the point, dear, to get you to reply! ^____~ IDBSGP ver 1.2 Edited for your suggestions, Buddha, they were good ones. I'm not sue about the last verse, it's mostly just something to go on. I also switched the first verse to immediate present, like the rest of it, for continuity. I think it makes it sound better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Leaves blow dryly Wind whistles through the chicken wire A trashcan topples over Echoes rebound from the rusted benches The padlock is smashed The gates creak wearily on broken hinges Voices whisper on the cold air Memories live in the hearts of the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryurei Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 I'm sorry but I don't feel I have the right to say anything since I know nothing about poems. But seeing the poem and how You required a reply I must say that it is much enjoyed:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yochva Posted June 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks for reviving this, Mai! Say something! What did you feel when you read it? Did it flow easily? Did anything seem out of place? Here's version 1.3 - I changed one of the words in the last verse. Leaves blow dryly Wind whistles through the chicken wire A trashcan topples over Echoes rebound from the rusted benches The padlock is smashed The gates creak wearily on broken hinges Voices whisper on the empty air Memories live in the hearts of the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryurei Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 okay, since you insist I will make more of a comment. I think it flows well, although more punctuation might help the point come across clearer on the first read-though. The last verse(Memories live in the hearts of the past.) makes me think of my characters (Ryu and Keiko) and the pasts that they share and must come to tearms with. p.s. Iknow it's off topic but I like your name:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yochva Posted June 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 Hmmm... *strokes chin thoughtfully* I'll have to think about the punctuation. I don't usually like putting unecessary marks in my poems, but you might be right. I'm glad you like my name, I like it too! ^__~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 (edited) Leaves blow dryly <---do leaves blow? Consider what force is moving the leaves. Typically in the passive voice you would need an adverb or clause of some sort to pull this off such as "by, in, about etc." Wind whistles through the chicken wire <--- Better, more active. A trashcan topples over Echoes rebound from the rusted benches Echos? Are you sure. Echos usually need a certain setting and power behind the orginating sound inorder to exist. So are sounds coming from the benches a repitition of the orginating sound in space or is it just the orginating sound happening several times due to the wind. The padlock is smashed The gates creak wearily on broken hinges Hmm, watch out for weary. It's an gets overused a lot. I'm sure guilty of it. Voices whisper on the empty air Memories live in the hearts of the past. *** rev... Edited June 24, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yochva Posted June 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 (edited) Leaves blow dryly <---do leaves blow? Consider what force is moving the leaves. Typically in the passive voice you would need an adverb or clause of some sort to pull this off such as "by, in, about etc." I'm trying to get the image of leaves, as they look in a dustdevil - swirling together, brushing by each other. However, the line needs to stay three words/syllables, so we'd need to replace 'blow'. Think think think... Wind whistles through the chicken wire <--- Better, more active. A trashcan topples over Echoes rebound from the rusted benches Echos? Are you sure. Echos usually need a certain setting and power behind the orginating sound inorder to exist. So are sounds coming from the benches a repitition of the orginating sound in space or is it just the orginating sound happening several times due to the wind. There's a certain image that goes along with that, almost as if the echos are self-powered - that's the image I want. It connects to the second-to-last and last lines, as if this deserted basketball court is almost self-aware. Does that make sense? The padlock is smashed The gates creak wearily on broken hinges Hmm, watch out for weary. It's an gets overused a lot. I'm sure guilty of it. Hmmm... that's a good point. I'll have to think about that one, there are several words meandering around my head that would fit, but I can't get them to stay in one place at the moment. Thanks for the heads-up. Voices whisper on the empty air Memories live in the hearts of the past. WHeee, thanks for your input! That's exactly what I like to recieve! Edited June 25, 2006 by Evangeline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted June 25, 2006 Report Share Posted June 25, 2006 (edited) Dust devil, like a whirlwind? Hmm maybe: whirl, twirl, or swirl? Echos: hmm, yeah that's a tough one. Maybe a metaphore could help? Or you could try to personify the echo's like "they whispher" or something along those lines. *** Are you following a form either traditional or self-invented? I wonder because you say that you need to keep the first line 3 words. good coloring btw. always a pleasure, rev... Edited June 25, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yochva Posted June 26, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2006 Dust devil, like a whirlwind? Hmm maybe: whirl, twirl, or swirl? Yeah, a dustdevil is like a mini-whirlwind. Those were all words I thought of, but they don't have the same feeling of desertion that blow does. They're all more energetic words, more lively, which is not a feeling I want to portray. Echos: hmm, yeah that's a tough one. Maybe a metaphore could help? Or you could try to personify the echo's like "they whispher" or something along those lines. The echos could really be from any and everything - the cars passing in the street, voices from the apartments on either side, memories that have taken on lives of their own. Does that clarify why I want them to remain ambiguous? I want them to be whatever the reader percieves them to be, and I fear that if I add too much more, it'll limit the image. *** Are you following a form either traditional or self-invented? I wonder because you say that you need to keep the first line 3 words. The form I'm trying to follow is short-long-short-long-short-long-short-long. If you notice, the short lines all have three active words (leaves blow dryly, trashcan topples over, padlock is smashed) and only the last line breaks the pattern (which I"m not happy about). I want it to stay that way, because that's the link through the whole poem, as the long lines are all unique. I think. In any case, I want to leave it as close to how long it is now as possible, line-wise, because it has the beat I think I'm looking for. good coloring btw. Thank you! This is the method I devised with a friend of mine, when we beta each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts