How to cry

[Gwaihir]

Wow, definitely a striking piece.

 

Very cool.

I'm not so sure that I like this piece that you added.

 

The younger recalled the dirt falling off the shell. Apparently, while preparing the other grave, the digger’s diesel-powered spades had brushed her casket. But, that had to have been over 17 years ago, he recalled

 

The information about the spades cuttign open the coffin is useful, but it seems less poetic than the rest of the piece.

 

I'm also not sure about the 'however' you added when talking about the youngest, a soldier but not one who'd seen death.

 

Still, I think this piece improves drastically with each rewrite.

Thank you for letting me read this.

[reverie]

no problem...

 

Glad to you like it so far.

 

 

Hmm, yeah, the whole grave diggers thing: Well the spade didn't actually cut open the coffin... They just exposed some of the outer metal shell that was used to encase the coffin. It's like a extra protection from decay thing. The whole "seeing her" was meant to be taken in the metaphorical sence or just that seeing the where the body phsically was resting kind of freaked him out.

 

I added that section, to show the distinction between how the brothers reactions differed. The younger just kind of brushed it off, while it affected the Elder so much, that he resolved never to be buried. Now bare in mind this really happened. The elder brother took that event and carried it with him for the better part of 17 years. While the younger struggles to recall it. I'm using this event, well actually the whole Cementary scene to highlight those emotional differences.

 

The "tears" thing in the middle of the poem, was used for similar effect.

 

But as you can see, I haven't quite pulled it off yet. It's a work in progress. I'm still not comfortable writing in this style either. To me it seems a more straight forward appoarch, though it does give me more freedom. Still it's weird not being able to hide behind my structure or my half-baked metaphores...

 

So, what's really getting me, is trying to make it sound right. Which is usually an easy thing for me... Alas, this time, I've no set meter or rhyme skeme to guide me.

 

So, I'm kind of making it up as I go along.

 

** Not sure about the "however" either**

 

I'm have issues with both brothers descriptions, but I think I'll hold off on dealing with them, until, I get the comments back from my fellow classmates. Maybe, they can add to what you've already got me mulling over.

 

Plus, I've now another 17 poems to critique, and everyone of them is dealing with "death." So, I doubt I'll have to energy to finish this anytime soon. On, the other hand, all those dreary poems, may just put me in the right mood for finishing it.

 

Thanks Gwai,

 

rev...

Edited September 21, 2005 by reverie