Sweetcherrie Posted June 23, 2005 Report Share Posted June 23, 2005 OOC: Staring at the clouds can make you ask funny questions.....I sort of felt detached with the world for a moment. shade in the shadows confirm my existence please? don’t turn your back and tell me that life sucks Cause if I’m not seen By the eyes of others? …your eyes… Then am I still here? there? Where? Does my arrogance tell me lies? when it tells me to hold on am I really supposed to ….let go? Do my memories hold the truth? When they tell me to let go Am I really supposed to ….hold on? Shade in the shadows Non-existent Back turned Life sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 (edited) First the two technical comments I have... don’t turn your back and tell me that life sucks What exactly do you mean here, should the shadow (not turn it's back and) tell you that life sucks? Or should the shadow not turns it's back and by that, telling you that life sucks... errm I hope you know what I mean, and if you mean the latter (which I think you do, because of the last stanza), I propose that you use something like nor instead of and I'm sure someone else here could explain what I mean exactly in better terms, so please, feel free to do so! *looks at that one reader with the technical knowledge* Second.. 4th (or 5th if you count that one word as stanza) stanza. I don't feel that there's a need to use the plural form of memories here.. it disrupts the rhythm somehow, to suddenly jump to plural. Should you use memory than the image will stay just as strong, without disrupting any flow... just a proposal On to the .. errm.. non-technical comment. I very much like this poem, one of the reasons is.. well, it's something that I could've written, from the content point of view, and I think you did a great job with creating a sense of confusion, loneliness, and also defiance, acceptance, realisation... all of that. *sigh* always the most difficult part of a comment... I like the poem. And it's even better for knowing that you wrote this while staring at something outer-worldly... wish I had more to say here. *hugs* thanks for posting Edited June 30, 2005 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 OOC: Appy, thank you so much, very valid comments, both of them and immediately agreed upon....so the new version with changes, below...oh, added some commas as well... *huggles firmly* shade in the shadows confirm my existence, please? don’t turn your back, nor tell me that life sucks Cause if I’m not seen By the eyes of others? …your eyes… Then am I still here? there? Where? Does my arrogance tell me lies? when it tells me to hold on, am I really supposed to …let go? Does my memory hold the truth? When it tells me to let go, Am I really supposed to …hold on? Shade in the shadows Non-existent Back turned Life sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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