Sweetcherrie Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 (edited) Schaduwen Gister haalt me in Opgeslokt en overgegeven Aan de overpeinzing van lang vergeten dromen Vandaag ben ik er Overgenomen en ingehaald Door dromen die de daadkracht missen om uit te komen Morgen bestaat nog niet Onwerkelijk en omgetoverd Tot gevoelens waar men alleen op kan hopen Verleden en heden Ineengevlochten en samengevoegd In een dagdroom die dichterbij is geslopen Droom en werkelijkheid Bijeengehouden en uiteengedreven Door gister en vandaag die morgen zijn kracht afnemen Tijd en gedachten Doorweven en omgeven Van de gevoelens die mijn hart claimen Shadows Yesterday catches up with me Swallowed and handed over To the thoughts of long forgotten dreams Today I'm here Overtaken and caught up with By dreams that miss the power to come true Tomorrow does not yet exist Unreal and magically changed Into feelings that one can only hope for Past and present Interwoven and combined To a daydream that has crept closer Dream and reality Held together and scattered By yesterday and today that take away tomorrow's force Time and thoughts Intwined and surrounded By the feelings that claim my heart OOC: The Dutch part and the English part of my brain seemed to be disconnected while I tried to translate this so I hope it makes sense. Edited May 24, 2005 by Sweetcherrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerulean Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 (edited) I thought this was great - beautiful details and many vivid lines. Yesterday catches up with me Swallowed and handed over To the thoughts of long forgotten dreams This was my favourite section *wild applause* Today I'm here Overtaken and caught up with By dreams that miss the power to come true In this section I'd cut either 'by' or 'with' I'm guessing this is a typo, a revenant of editing. Dream and reality Held together and scattered By yesterday and today that take away tomorrow's force I find the bolded section of the last line less elegant than the others. The reading feels bumpier here. Time and thoughts Intwined and surrounded By the feelings that claim my heart Is intwined an archaic form, a neologism or a mistype of entwined? I kinda liked it in any case. Thanks for sharing this work, it was a very enjoyable read. (How I'd love an audio link to hear it in Dutch too... *poke* ) Edited May 27, 2005 by Cerulean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Celes Crusader Posted May 27, 2005 Report Share Posted May 27, 2005 The English version is lovely and I understand too well the difficulty to translate from one tongue to another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted June 1, 2005 Report Share Posted June 1, 2005 (edited) ~ this place reservated for a comment from Appy ~ sorry, no head yet, but I do have a comment about this *goes out for a coffee first* *comes back after some wake-up rituals* Myum, coffee... Anyways, comment-time The start of this poem reminded me a whole lot of VanDikHout lyrics, very good About what Cerulean said: No, both the with and the By are necessary, since the translation of 'ingehaald' IS 'caught up with'... and the translation of 'Door' HAS to be 'By'.. it makes sense in the original Dutch version, believe me Very nice poem, I haven't really gone into nit-picking detail, I just like the overall feel of it (yes I used to be a VanDikHout fan ) Thanks for sharing *hugs* Edited June 1, 2005 by Appy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted June 1, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2005 (edited) *huggles the other VanDikHout fan ) *also huggles Cerulean and Lady Celes* Thank you all so much for commenting on this Unfortunately I have no possibility to put this to audio, but I think it would sound good. As to what Appy said, it might even sound good as lyrics (and I did listen to Dutch music while writing, but this time it wasn't VanDikHout but Acda en de Munnik ) edit: oh, and I looked up intwined. Basicly the Dutch word "doorweven" means "woven into", and it gave me intwined as a translation, but since I also thought it was entwined I looked this up in an English dictionary and Intwined was the word I was looking for Edited June 1, 2005 by Sweetcherrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted August 25, 2006 Report Share Posted August 25, 2006 A somewhat late reply perhaps, but better late than never, as some would say To start off, a really big compliment for this, as it deserves no less A few bits of criticism though. The line "door gister...afnemen" doesn't read well for me. I think it's a bit too long to stay with the rythm of the rest... or it might just be the "en" that bugs me probably the truth is somewhere in the middle. And about the same problem with the first line... rythm and "en" the "gister" looks to me af the full "gisteren" would fit in better there. Might just be my silly mind though. But apart from my little nitpicking... petje af Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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