Vlad Posted April 25, 2005 Report Share Posted April 25, 2005 A gentle tear on tender face Slowly finding its way down Lost among the raindrops When it hits the ground AN: This has been the hardest post I have ever made. It feels like this could be developed so much more, But I fear that I dilute the meaning. Feedback appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted April 25, 2005 Report Share Posted April 25, 2005 This felt so overwhelming when I read it, and read it again...and again. I love this, it's a touch of melancholy mixed with a blue feeling, but at the same time it sometimes feels good to just let your tears blend in with the rain and let go of whatever has been inside too long. I would have changed the first line to: Gentle tears on a tender face. But that would depend greatly on the fact if you want to emphasize the fact that there is only one tear or more, and I'm speaking with my heart here and not with my head (since I have no knowledge whatsoever about the technicalities of a poem). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted April 25, 2005 Report Share Posted April 25, 2005 Powerful. I'm not sure what you mean about diluting the meaning, because I'm not sure what you mean by developing it more. Do you mean explaining why the tear? Where the person is, why they are in the rain? Personally, I think it is easier to identify with the poem if you don't go into all of that. Then again I don't know if that's what you meant. Regarding what Sweetcherrie said, of course you'd have to change the whole poem to pluralize the tears... And in my opinion, the image of a single tear is somehow more powerful. I'm not sure why, either. But her (unintentional?) adding of the word "a" made me realize that you were inconsistent in your first line with that article. Again in my opinion, (as always), you could change it to "A gentle tear on a tender face" or, as I would recommend, "Gentle tear on tender face". Kudos, I really liked this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted April 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2005 The inconsistency in the first line was intentional, Katz. By diluting the meaning, I suppose you wee closer to the truth. Whenever I added anything, It became so even I couldn't identify with the poem. Both of you, thanks for the comments, I think I have some concretes in my head on what I can and can't get away with in poetry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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