Self Detest

[Tattered]

I hate me, I hate everything about me.

From my head to my toes, in my entirety.

I came to the realization earlier today,

Everything I have, everything I stand to gain,

All that makes me is worthless, empty and vain.

I can't control my whims, my mind or direction.

I can't get it right long enough to speak perfection.

I forgive the unforgivable effortlessly just to torture me.

To forgive I internalize to the detriment of my self esteem.

I don't feel a thing

I don't FEEL anything

The tears won't come, I sit here stunned.

Hours fly by, I just and stare and wonder why.

I can no longer cry.

Obsessively I cycle thoughts of self loathing phrases.

I catch myself, yet remain bankrupt of all praises.

I don't know why

I cannot feel

I hear you say love

But nothing I feel.

I have taken myself as my own captive.

I have let adversity break down my line of defenses.

I have cheated myself out of life to live.

I lost sight of God while stacking fences and digging trenches.

I feel the deepest loss standing lone at the bottom of a canyon.

Why do I choose the torn and anguished to be my companion?

I must be just like them or why would I tolerate?

For all the wrongs that I must take, it's me I hate

[Ayshela]

no words

just.. *hugs*