The Death and Life of Our Kind

[Jareena Faye]

Written for a fantasy comic I'm scripting. One might say you'll catch a Christmas message if you look hard enough.

Romans 5:12-21

 

 

I tell you that once, the world was one.

The world was one,

According to plan.

Of sentient races there were two.

There were two,

Sprite and man.

 

Of days of peace, there were few.

There were few;

Life without sin.

The evil entered soon enough.

Soon enough,

The grief set in.

 

Of men back then there were only two.

There were two,

Husband and wife;

But through their choice, the world knew death.

They chose death,

And we met strife.

 

Nature changed in an awful way.

In a way that we

Could imagine not.

Like a glass, the world did break.

The world did break,

New worlds were wrought.

 

Of sentient races, there were two.

There were two,

Immortal and doomed.

The sprites withdrew to a secret place.

In another place,

Man’s evil bloomed.

 

Sin preyed upon us through one man,

Through one man;

And through sin, death.

Even the flawless felt its sting,

They felt its sting,

And ceased their breath.

 

We wait for the day when death shall die.

Death shall die.

We wait, we pray.

Life shall enter through one Man,

One single Man.

We ‘wait the day.

Edited December 28, 2004 by Jareena Faye

[Wyvern]

I like this poem a lot, Jareena. It establishes a fantasy setting nicely through its cryptic depictions of sprites and men, and has a catchy rhythm to it that really holds my attention. I particularly like the uses of repitition, especially in the second stanza where "Soon enough" is cleverly incorporated in two different contexts.

 

One line that struck me as a bit awkward in the poem was "And through sin, death" in the sixth stanza, which seemed to break the otherwise consistant rhythm of the poem just a bit.

 

Once again, nicely done. I'm sure that the fantasy comic will benefit from your work.

[Peredhil]

Nice. Make sure to post a link in the Library to the comic if it's online. I'd like to read it.

 

Welcome back!

 

Hugs

[Jareena Faye]

Cool, feedback! *gotta remember to check back at this place...*

 

Thanks for the critique, Wyv. It's good to have cool people like you who can point out my mistakes.

 

Hey, I'd love to post a link to the comic, and put it online, and all that jazz... uhm, but would you happen to know of an artist who has TIME to DRAW it? As a last resort, I suppose I could, but I don't have a whole lot of time.