Shiny!- Requesting Feedback (4-5)

[Valdar and Astralis]

Linkage

 

Basicly, I'm trying to speed up my writing by reducing sentance length. Previously, I'd spend days trying to convulate a bunch of words together, generating legible paragraph length sentances that caused MSWord no small amont of suffering.

 

Besides that, format--I'm trying for a slightly less serious version of Zadown's Multiverse. Slightly Pratchettized, or maybe Douglas'ed. Nothing that seriously derails from the general theme, but presents it in a lighter manner-life's not so serious for our elf yet, lets say.

 

Lastly, I'm writing in chunks. Notice the larger number of "*" breaks? Instead of an ongoing storyline, I broke things up into scenes. If I somehow manage to make them flow together smoothly, I join them up. Otherwise, I just stick a "*" where nothing significant happens over a period.

 

Does this impact much on the legibilty of my last few works? Or does the use of simpler grammar (I only got 2/3 "Fragment" suggestions from Word!!) make it more boring/detracts from it's impact?

 

Feed me!

 

Edit: PS: No spelling feedback please-I know I'm a horrible speller already

I'm requesting level 4-5 feedback, as the series isn't complete yet, and will try to impliment some of what's said here into it.

Edited August 10, 2004 by Valdar and Astralis

[Wyvern]

I'm really enjoying the story so far, Valdar. I find your humorous approach to the Dreamer's Multiverse setting both witty and refreshing, and already think that many scenes in "Shiny!" are brilliant. I particularly like your spoof on heros, as I found the amount of conformity displayed in the heros' names and habits absolutely hilarious. I also think that Kitanue is an intriguing character in her suggestive manners (i.e that Amazon scene... *drool*), and Valdar is always fun to read.

 

In terms of suggestions for potential improvements: you mentioned that there are many fragments between scenes in the story, and there were a few moments where I felt that things moved by a little rapidly, particularly in the first post. I'd love to see scenes such as Valdar's arrival at the city expanded upon, and would also really like to hear more backstory on the relationship between Valdar and Kitanue. I'd particularly like to learn more about Aurel, as references to her seem to hint at tragedy but are clouded in an aura of mystery.

 

Great stuff so far! In the wise words of the Ogre that's leading the heros into battle: "Me wunt more Vald'r story! Vald'r story guuuuuuud." ;-)

[Salinye]

Valdar, I need to take the time over the next few days to catch up where I left off on your story, but I wanted to let you know that I'm following it and enjoying it very much. I like how you are able to write intelligently and also add in humor. I will try my best to leave you some worth while feedback when I catch up with your storyline this week. I just wanted to let you know I'm following and can't wait to read more!

 

Oh, and on a side note, I really enjoyed Child of the Paths. I didn't see the dying/rebirth thing coming. :0)

 

 

~Salinye

[Valdar and Astralis]

Thanks for the feedback, you two.

 

The next section of Shiny is finished now-the battle for the gates. Personally, I found it a little drawn out, and lacking in any real event. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

Also, the final post felt slightly rushed. The reason being, I felt myself getting stuck in a bog. I could continue the fairly pointless fighting, and it was starting to get boring, writing-wise. Several events I wanted to include in the battle at the gates actually got ommited accidentally, as they involved spellcasters, so pardon the lack of humor in the past few posts!

 

How did you find it? boring? entrancing? overdone?

 

Also still looking for any feedback on "new" writing style

 

Thanks again,

 

-Valdar

[Wyvern]

Valdar,

 

I recently caught up on reading "Shiny," and am still really enjoying it. I personally didn't find the siege of the gates to be too long or drawn out, as there were several original details (i.e the beserkers tossing themselves over the walls due to their lack of agility, Kitanue accidentally swatting the imp away with her breast, etc.) and lots of urgent dialogue between Kitanue and Valdar that kept it interesting. One thing I did notice about the siege segment is that it doesn't have as much comedic value as the sections before it, but the seriousness of the section seems to fit in naturally with the flow of the story and doesn't detract from it (besides, how can one make something like widespread slaughter funny?)

 

My one major complaint about your most recent posts is that you left your last post off at an extremely tense point. ;p I can understand a weeks delay for the next post, but I'm now desperatly anticipating a paragraph explaining what the beserker saw, so pleeease don't take too long with it. ;-) On a side note: I'm not sure whether to feel sorry or envious of Valdar for the incident involving the three sisters... as if Kitanue weren't enough, eh? ;p

 

Anyway, awesome story, I'll be looking forward to the continuation.

[Valdar and Astralis]

Firstly, let me apolagise for the long delay between posts. I did mean to cliffhang a few days, but 2 weeks was a bit silly. Blame it on everquest study! The next portion of Shiny is complete-the assault on the fortress. Next comes the shortest, but hopefully most enlightening journey into deep Hellwind.

 

On to my thoughts on this part.

 

1. Some people may not get some of the EQ references I stuck in, for which I apolagise. Valdar really hates asshalflings. Halflings are probably the most disliked race in EQ, as they have several innate advantages that were never removed from the early days.

 

2. Another EQ reference is the enchanter club. In some harder adventures, enchanters typically charm a monster to add, or take damage (Tpit, for example half-requires it, the monster damage there is/was absolutley overwhelming). When charm breaks (it's random duration) the chanter (in the words of several clerics) "explodes".

 

3. Call me necrophilic, but the last two posts sort of wrote themselves. The original plan for Shiny was to have Kitanue injured but not killed. Or at least healed by the wards I wrote off as completley broken. The demon was then to step up to attempt a killing blow, but Valdar shoots him through the Astral. As time went by however, it felt like that would be 'cheating' in some obscure manner. Deliberatley misleading the audience into a particularly gut wrenching moment (hopefully it was) then saying "oh, it's not what it seemed!" seems a bit cheap or something.

 

I can't say that the "oh but he reversed time and so it never happened!" way works better (and as Valdar has not graduated at this point in the storyline, somewhat implausible). It almost sounds like one of those budget science fiction movie plots. Had more fun writing it than the 'injured' version though. I guess that's what made it stick.

 

Lastly, I must thank Wyvern and Gyrfalcon for their help. The two of you all but wrote the fourth big paragraph from the bottom on the current second last post. (mouthful, ya?)

 

 

Comments and thoughts on this section welcome

[Zadown]

As I already sort of said, it is ok for the characters to raise above the mundane normality of a given form (in this case, an apprentice planewalker) and do something slightly inplausible and heroic. Even a localized, short-duration temporal rift like that might be slightly over what Valdar should be able to do, but it is within the realm of possibility from my point of view as the "creator" of this multiversum, and given that Valdar doesn't do that sort of thing all the time just underlines how really angry he was about what happened. He tapped into his deeper inner reserves of both skill and power because of his rage, something well in line for slightly chaos-slanted planewalker. The Dreamer has quite good knowledge of time-related magic so again it is entirely possible he has taught some parts of it.

[Valdar and Astralis]

Well, Shiny is complete, save the epilogue, whee \^_^/. Dont expect that really soon (though who knows?). There _may_ be a new (continuing) story after that, but I'm not too certain if that will come to be.

 

PS: If you find the *'s confusing the fight scene (it was sort of meant to be), please post your displeasure and stuff here I can post the two sections of the fight apart here, so you can make out what's happening to who, when.

Edited November 6, 2005 by Valdar and Astralis