Falcon2001 Posted April 30, 2004 Report Share Posted April 30, 2004 Hey I gotta run, but please tell me what you think of Oroborous Academy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 (edited) So far... Veeery interesting. You write well, keeping my attention like that (and that really sais something lately, I can't wrestle myself through some of my favorite books anymore *rolls eyes*) One thing though, in your latest addition, that had me confused for a bit. In this passage: Suddenly he realized that one of the large men in the black suits was standing right next to him and looking around impassively. He looked slightly startled, wondering how he had managed to get so close to him without him noticing. Before he could give the matter much more thought, the big man started to talk. The highlighted part there.. I found it confusing as to who He was.. that gets somewhat clearer in the next passage, but even so, I think it would do the flow of the story good if you could clarify it a bit... I even have a proposition Change: He looked slightly startled To: He felt slightly startled ... for me personaly that would make it much clearer and not draw the attention away from the actual story-line. My 2 cents on that one Hmm... Maybe even remove the first him in the latter part... Making it: wondering how he had managed to get so close without him noticing But that's nitpicking All I really want to say is.. keep writing it, me wants more of the preciousss -Appy Edited May 5, 2004 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 I had trouble with that same line, but in a different way. Jeral had just popped out of the compartment, so was Jeral wondering why the big man hadn't noticed that Jeral was close, or was Jeral wondering why Jeral hadn't noticed the big man was close? Also, what happened to Irene? Is she still in the compartment? If not, whose group is she in? And how come the other two guys got to name themselves captains when the man said captains would be chosen? Other than those few things, I am thoroughly enjoying. Sounds like a great setup, and I am definitely wondering about this Academy. (Have you ever read Ender's Game, though? You said this was from a dream, but you may want to watch because some of it looks very similar to Ender's first experiences in the space program. If you ever wanted to publish, that might be a consideration.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted May 5, 2004 Report Share Posted May 5, 2004 Hmm. I would say that I agree with these comments after reading and then going back, but I didn't immediately notice it. I think it's one of those things that you might not notice, but it would make it sound a whole lot better that way... at least to the casual reader... since that's what I am. I have never read Ender's Game (despite a certain best friend's endless nagging), and I plan on doing it soon, so I don't know if that should be a concern or not. I definitely like this... the awkwardness with the girl, and wondering if this is ok, but accepting it anyway definitely sounds like it could be a dream to me. I agree with and did have the same questions as Katzaniel, but I'm betting that it will be explained in the next post. I definitely want more... I'll be watching this one. -Mere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falcon2001 Posted May 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 First off, thanks to everyone who commented I really enjoy getting feedback. Secondly, it will not turn into an Ender's Game ripoff - The dream was much different and much more vivid. The whole school setup is the same...though I suppose I should eventually get across the entire idea of the kids being 17 years old or so, not preteens like Ender's Game. Also, I will go back and look again at those lines - I wanted to give the impression that the men in black had become so much a part of the tableau that Jeral completely glazes over their existence. Jeral is a much different character than my usual ones, and so please bear with me while I try and adjust. I'm trying to keep true to the dream and still maintain enough creative liscence to have some fun. Also, this story is highly symbolic in many ways. The name of the Academy, Oroborous, is the name of the World-eater snake, or the symbol of a snake eating it's own tail. You'll have to find out what it means on your own, but be aware of minor symbology in this story - but no completely wacko symbolism hopefully. Anyway though, I'll keep writing as soon as I get some more free time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted May 7, 2004 Report Share Posted May 7, 2004 Yay! He's promised to write more! Did you hear him? He promised HE PROMISED HE PROMISED!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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