theenemyisyou Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Termination of a Pregnant Mind (title is subject to change) She fell asleep in her closet, the door pulled shut tight and the robes of her changing moods falling off bent hangers to serve as blankets, pillows, and the stones to be rolled away come morning. The anti-claustrophobe, the anti-romantic, the anti-everything: mother of the Anti-Christ. She would shroud her deep sleep In the endless lines of excuses that those stiletto heels weren’t meant for heavy loads. Those leather sandals were not designed to withstand the cold harsh winters. The snake skin purse would never hold enough change. The scarves stood as transparencies against relentless winds. Her dresses all lay folded on the narrow twin bed behind the wooden door. The photographs of the woman who has shunned her sat up upon dressers with lipstick and perfume. The context of conception was stagnate in the sheer pantyhose strewn carelessly across the corner chair. The final words were spoken downward, to the pawn under Lucifer’s hand. "The world's not ready for the likes of you, precious as you may be." So, she drowned her unborn child in a bath tub of amphetamines before he ever learned to breathe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 My first reaction to this is... Wow!!! I feel like i have been punched in the stomach. The tempo of the piece seems to speed up taking the reader along until it smashes into the wall . Well done . I really like this . Wren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 This is a wonderful poem, on many levels. "Falling asleep in her closet" metaphorically wraps up the whole poem, as does the final 'drowning' stanza. You tie together many wonderful metaphors - the closet, the baby, the drugs, the items in the closet, the Christ and Anti-Christ figures. The excuses read like a laundry list of denial, which I suppose they should. Your poem hints at something else, of the reality of the pain half hidden in relevant metaphors, such as in the reference to "the woman who has shunned her", and several other inconsistencies which leaves me wondering - who is this mystery woman? What plot has led the subject to such despair and self-denial? - but, perhaps that is best left unsaid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuki Kokoro Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Unusual structure, but it worked quite well. I really liked the line: "the door pulled shut tight and the robes/ of her changing moods falling off bent hangers", that was a striking way to put it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted February 1, 2004 Report Share Posted February 1, 2004 The details are quite interesting. They create strong images. bent hangers It is the sort of thing that can happen when a person about to fall or collapse reaches for something to support them but can bear the weight. and the stones to be rolled away come morning. I almost missed this the first time I read it. It came back and tapped me on the shoulder half way through the story saying "Excuse me but have we met before?" Finally this passage So, she drowned her unborn child in a bath tub of amphetamines before he ever learned to breathe. Obviously a metaphor (unless it was a huge closet) but drowning in a tub of amphetamines was the most difficult visual image for me. Crossing over the line and passing through the door that reads "abandon all hope". A very fine post theenemyisyou. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted February 1, 2004 Report Share Posted February 1, 2004 Wow. Wow. How this speaks to me... From the title, giving images of a creative mind having abortion performed on its sensitivities all the way through to the drowning through drugs of self at the end. This is a *fine* work, which threads on many levels. Consistent weave of metaphor through-out. Zool and Regel referred to some of the most obviously striking so I'll not belabor the point. Reading this makes me itch that I haven't written something so well done of late. Inspiring use of the writing craft. Hugs -Peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theenemyisyou Posted February 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2004 thanks peredhil, im new to this whole writing community thing and wasnt sure of my level of writing capability so its nice to hear some possitive reinforcement. is there anything you guys think i should change though? im trying to get all of my poems polished and perfect because my goal is to publish a book of poetry within the next few years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted February 4, 2004 Report Share Posted February 4, 2004 Personally... I'm not seeing the point to the use of "amphetamines" to be honest. Unless it's supposed to be themed on a true story. And I can't see a real person drowning something in them. Most people would either use them or sell them, realistically speaking. That's why it seems out of place. And... you might try breaking it up into chunks so it doesn't seem so long. Might try ending the first stanza after "mother of the Anti-Christ.", the second after "The snake skin purse would never hold enough change.", the third after "strewn carelessly across the corner chair.", and the fourth at the end? Just my thoughts on it... *Hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theenemyisyou Posted February 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2004 youre right alaeha, i shouldnt use amphetamines, that was incorrect usage on my part. substitute in diphenhydramines (active drug in sleeping pills) cuase thats what i was going for. i'll def consider breaking it up, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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