Barriers

[Alaeha]

Once again... I experimented. The Rhyme scheme of the four stanzas below goes like this: ABAB CACA DCDC BDBD

 

I wanted to work on interstanza rhyme, but my inner Obsessive-Compulsive wouldn't let me do it haphazardly... so I had to have a set, rigid form for it. Is it any good?

 

Barriers

 

Walls stand behind me... In front... To the sides.

I'm alone, and I can't see the sun, or the sky.

All my world is dark... It was easy to hide,

but I’m trapped, and I can't tell the truth from the lie.

 

Locked out by the world, I turned to my mind,

but my dreams turned to nightmares, and now, though I’ve tried,

I can’t reach the exit. I can’t even find

any sign of my state... Tell me, please: Have I died?

 

Don’t know what I did... Why I’m ever apart,

not a part... Why I’m cursed to be kept so confined.

I knew that I’d fail you. Lost from the start,

I knew that these passages never unwind.

 

Trapped within all these walls, always wondering why

it receives such abuse, I’ve a tattered, torn heart.

Though it takes every blow with naught more than a sigh,

it knows, as do I, it’s a failed work of art.

[Ayshela]

*hugs*

yep, is good..

i take issue with the last line, but i suppose that was predictable.

interesting structure. you do manage to take some of the most *twisted* structures and make them flow well.

*hugs*

 

(*giggles madly* when i grow up i wanna be able to write like you do!)

[HopperWolf]

it's a sadly beautiful piece. very well written. the rhyme scheme works well and the rhythm is superb.

 

I particularly like the first stanza.

 

This will probably speak to a lot of people very personally in different ways.

[Regel]

I agree with Hopper Wolf it will speak to many people in different ways. I loved the rhyming scheme but I have just one to ask about the barriers we encounter.

 

 

Are they mine or are they yours?

[Ayshela]

often, some of both.. but having seen some of the occasions which are reflected in this.. yes, there *are* subtle barriers put up by others, reflective in the hopes of being unnoticable, but emanating nonetheless "you can't go there, you can't come here" and so entrenched they're no longer even noticed by those who hold them.

 

sometimes we stay inside our own barriers.

sometimes we bounce off of others barriers.

sometimes, it's a little of both.

[Alaeha]

I think Ayshela pretty much answered it...

 

Generally, when mine come up, it's because I'm so bloody sick of just bouncing off of theirs... and I'm not going to bother trying anymore.

 

But regardless, I stand by that line. So to you.

[Ayshela]

=P

unfinished, perhaps.

failed.. nah..

*huggles*

[Vlad]

I like this.

I could read it, without the structure sticking out and poking me in the eye.

You know it's doing it's job properly when you hardly even notice it.

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Hedged within the hawthorn

enchantment bleeds away

from this tired thrashing Merlin

beneath the crow calls

and the shifting clouds

whose easy motion

mocks that place above

the rhythmic sway of grass

where movements are ringed

and crowned with thorns.

 

An enjoyable piece that makes fine use of meter and sound and that includes a couple very striking lines.

 

However, the structure of the piece seems to overwhelm the content - the words employed are simply not as strong as the form into which they have been placed. While this is a bit of an ironic mimesis given that the poem itself is about barriers, it detracts rather than adds to the work. The challenge, of course is finding strong words that work within the formal constraints of the piece -- still that is a very good problem to have as it a matter of making a fine piece of writing better.

 

Very nicely done, Alaeha.