WrenWind Posted November 26, 2003 Report Share Posted November 26, 2003 (edited) realization hits me hard love is what you make it now it's time to drop my guard not sure that i can take it carefull study of my heart paints a picture, dreary need to know i can restart change things over, cheery it is time to get a grip stand in another line life, it is not a free trip just pour another glass of wine hard decisions to be made thinking that my heart will break but i think my passage paid and it's worth the life at stake (i think this still needs some work ) Edited November 26, 2003 by WrenWind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HopperWolf Posted November 26, 2003 Report Share Posted November 26, 2003 I think you're right. but I like what you got here! I'm not entirely sure what effect your after but this is what I'm getting: First stanza - good rhyming scheme. a fairly light start to the poem, with the third line making good use of a popular phrase but with a note of seriousness on the last line. Personally, I wouldn't want to see this stanza changed much. Second stanza - good first line, keeping the serious tone. I'd query the second line though: a bit to poe for the rest of the thing. if i anything it detracts from the tone for me - such a change of style kinda jolting out of the mood. excelent third line. fourth line i'm in two minds over. firstly I like the brightness it lends, especially if you say it out loud. it's kinda cute. however, i don't know if you want the lighter stuff at this point. Third stanza - coming back with the seriousness here, i like the two images presented. for some reason the galss of wine is particularly expressive to me. the wording on the third line seems a bit rushed though. but overall i like. Final stanza - I love it. again good structure to the themes. i wouldn't change the first three lione for the world. i like em too much together like that. the fourth could use a bit of work maybe. it seems a bit vague to me. Erm, sorry if I offend you - I seem to be doing that a lot of late this is not meant to offend or really criticise. In fact I really like this! Otherwise I wouldn't have written here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted November 26, 2003 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2003 (edited) no offence taken I am thrilled to have some construtive critism. Thanks! realization hits me hard love is what you make it now it's time to drop my guard not sure that i can take it careful study of my heart tells me i have to choose need to know i can restart but my head is afraid to lose it is time to get a grip stand in another line dont you give me any more lip just pour another glass of wine hard decisions to be made thinking that my heart will break but i think my passage paid and it's worth the life at stake Edited November 26, 2003 by WrenWind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted November 26, 2003 Report Share Posted November 26, 2003 mostly echoing HopperWolf's stuff, here =) i really really like the first stanza. you've got a good tone set for the piece, thoughtful, a bit serious, a bit cautious, and worded well. the second stanza - careful has one 'l' not two, but that's minor.. the second and fourth lines seem like they've been forced for the sake of rhyme, which detracts from the flow greatly. Good stuff in concept, but it seems forced. i *love* the third line as it stands, though. third stanza - again, very good stuff (as always, i don't think i've ever seen you write anything *bad*) the second line is a bit discordant to the rest, a bit "left field" for where the rest of it is apparently coming from. i also absolutely *love* the last line, the image presented of stopping for a leisurely, relaxing break from the madness, diving in and enjoying what life presents, is very powerful in this context. Fourth stanza - the first two lines are wonderful. The third relates well to the third line of the third stanza, but it takes a moment of thought to connect it and a little smoothing the way, a bit more context, wouldn't be amiss. The last line is a bit discordant also, a bit "left field", could use a more definite context tie-in to the rest of what you have here. As always, you've got some really really good stuff here, and i'm looking forward to seeing the polished version of it. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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