Loki Wyrd Posted October 24, 2003 Report Share Posted October 24, 2003 The Answers Lie Within A feeling overcomes me, One that I can't shake; The life I'm living is a lie, I'm nothing but a fake. Slinking down the alleyways My true self lies in waiting, While I live the shadows of a doubt Of which I'm contemplating. I'm waiting for the sun to set, And the leaves of fall to cry. With a gentle hand I'll guide you, I will not let you die. My words are spoken for myself, Ringing in my ears; I could look upon you if I would Not be blinded by the tears. I feel as if I'm reaching out With a hand that is not there, When I think about you With thoughts I can not bare. The blood, it rushes to my head; The darkness takes me in; I can not stay here forever, While the answers lie within. Death I am no more; An echo through eternity, Looking for a door. The Fish The fish are on the loose, Flying through the sky; They're coming for us all! Will they never die? My flesh is torn from my bone... Leaving me all alone. The Cries Hear the cries of all the children That have no food to eat. Hunger is an animal, One which can be beat. How is such a simple thing Overlooked in haste? Think of all the petty things, Think of all the waste. Take a long, hard look; What is it you see? Tell me if you're satisfied; Think how things could be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted October 25, 2003 Report Share Posted October 25, 2003 hmm not to be overly critisising but uhm.. there's a tendency in your work to always have the same rythm. I know that rythm, used it aswell.. and I got tired of it ... mainly because it's almost too easy to use, and for me it derives the attention from the words, and I start reading it like I listen to music... sit back and go with the flow, not really listening to every tone. I guess what I want to say is this: be carefull with this kind of poetry, I'd say there's nothing wrong with it in general, just that an overabundance of it numbs the minds of both reader and writer and the words get lost. *wonders if she's being too harsh, remembers it's Loki and thinks 'naww, he knows where it comes from '* I hope I made some sense, if not, I can try again *hugs* Oh, I liked Death a lot tho... short but powerfull, yesss *thumbs up* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted October 25, 2003 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2003 Thanks for your comments. I do agree I use the same rhyme scheme too often. I have actually started to branch out some though, just give me time. I'm still new to all this stuff after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted October 25, 2003 Report Share Posted October 25, 2003 Keep em comming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalypso Posted October 26, 2003 Report Share Posted October 26, 2003 I like the first one the best. You write such lovely poems. Kalypso Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 26, 2003 Report Share Posted October 26, 2003 ...ryhme scheme getting you down? Then try to figure out where it springs from... Example: My structures pull from multiple sources... but the major back bone can be found in the rhythms and melodies deeply etched in me from 7 years of playing band music(saxophone) in school, juxtapositioned against my dad's and brother's constant rotation of would-be-southern rock/alternative rock bands respectively, filtering off and on through my house... Once I realized what collective pool I was drawing on...it made it easy to actively expand it... My brain likes ecletic music... So throw in a few weeks of listening to Pecy Granger/No doubt/Outcast/random radio, and whatever else shows up in the rotation of over 1000 MP3's... waalaa... you got variety... Just keep writing though... you seem young to me... if not in age, then in soul... once you mature you'll be fine... revery the dreamlost "lord, I was born a rambling man...(allman brothers)" the dream continues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted October 26, 2003 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2003 Young in age and spirit. I listen to a lot of music, and I like a rhyme scheme that flows well, allowing me to sing my poems if I want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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