Mardrax

Glad indeed. Powerfull stuff, this. Again, nice use of repetition through different moods to drive a point home. The "really fast" seems out of place to me though. In tone, mostly.

Very nice indeed James. I like how the recurring parts make up a structure, with continually shifting meanings. It reinforces the whole, which might be somewhat cliche, into a really powerful piece. The closing "And you will.." enforces that empowerment quite nicely.

Well done ^^

I love the flow in this, how seamlessly you keep every line flowing into the next, without a real need for pause to switch meter, while still switching from time to time. How there's a certain rising and falling in between the not-quite-separate verses. The ending too. Powerful image, without falling out of tone with the rest.

Only thing that doesn't really work, -in the way I read it, anyway- is the "conglomeration". I think it just falls out of tone a bit, complexity-wise, being the only 3+ syllable word.

Be sure to keep those dreams bubbling Dego. I love the froth that bubbles over every time you toss some more wood on the fire.

In the words that this column taught me recently: "Stop biscuiting!"

Also, you might just be right. Or you might not. Does it matter? Find what you're looking for, and enjoy the find.

In any case, thanks for the comment. ^^

Right. Long time none of my melodrama. Have some

I'm not content with the lack of structure in this, then again, I still feel falling to and from structure is something that reflects the way my mind works well. There's a couple of other things I don't really like as well. May be coming back to this when I feel like it.

Feedback is, as always, highly appreciated.

~~~~

I could tell you a thousand times

about limbs doing things while I sleep

I could give you a thousand lines

and I still wouldn't blame you

if you told me you found me a creep

I hate myself for that.

Since if I'd tell you a thousand times

about limbs doing things while I sleep

I wouldn't be giving you

all of the truth

I tried to hold you, of course

Consciously? Very much so.

I tried a tentative hand

hoping you'd hold it

and never let go

Hoping you'd take

the thousand butterflies

you'd poked up that day,

and heed their existence

You turned away though

And so did I

giving me no option

but to rock them to sleep myself

Yet butterflies will flutter

and butterflies won't listen

as you told me

and I found out, waking

to you pushing me off

Until that hazy light of afternoon,

shining in, boiling me out,

giving some shine to the curls

that framed your sleeping face

"Like a cherub", I thought,

"had brown been the next blonde"

Still, like that cherub,

you quickly absconded

And I couldn't blame you.

'Cause if I gave you a thousand lines

You still wouldn't want to share

these butterflies with me

Lol.

Great stuff here P.

Does 'pride before the fall' realy mix into the 'Should I post?' philosophy though?

If writing hadn't been fun, us lot wouldn't have been here, wouldn't have been us lot, even.

And getting the rythm prescribed is like getting three quarters of your job done for you

*grin* Love the little touches.

And without fail, blaming the booze (or lack thereof) is the way to go for everything

Well. Here you go Jason. I really didn't have time to get to this sooner. It's not a very solid attempt, I admit. But it's more of a social comment anyway. Still, feel welcome to use it if you still want to do this ^^

Here goes:

Beat the eraser

You'd think that writing a song is not

not too difficult

You'd think that writing a symphony

would be a piece of cake

Yet we all stood

twiddling our thumbs

You'd think a writing community

would just shake their arms

And lyrics would come rolling out their sleaves

Yet that seems untrue

As we all stood

scratching ideas

Pen mightier than the sword

but eraser still beats the pen

Just confidence and

some random words will

beat the eraser

(kinda stuck here. I guess I'd space it: eighth note(beat)-eighth rest-eighth(the)-three quarters(e-ra-ser) syncopated between the beats, crossing one eighth into the next measure. if you know what I mean )

So then here is my attempt

my attempt at this

songwriting thing that we do so well

just to save our face

since writing is

what we do best

Pen mightier than the sword

climb into your pens!

Find inspiration

just inspiration

and beat the eraser

So there you were

running

just running, oh poor you

I stumbled, tripped on the threshold

in a drunken attempt at arpeggiating

with the most awkward timing

ever

So there you were

stumbling

your path gone before you

To break beat I steadied

my gattling to mute

So there you were

huddling

to leave you alone

And suddenly spitfire tore up the mud

a blastbeat on snares like a rat-tat-tat-thud

but blastbeats just tend to get old really fast

leaving you gasping in the mosh that amassed

So there you are

caught

with nowhere to go

And here I am

standing

not knowing what -

~~~~

Sound confused? It is.

I... really don't know what to think of this. It's not my best, I'll give anyone that.

It's stumbling through from sheer awkwardness into more awkwardness. And I guess it's meant to.

But I think the awkward is too awkward. The second stanza stands out in that respect primarily. The first line of it bugs me. <- fixed somewhat. Now to see if this will settle.

I'm not sure about the last 3 lines. I like them. They're just right. But I don't know if they belong.

And bumpity.

Closure added.

Satisfied? Meh. I might be revising this at some point.

The middle bit is still letting me down.

The closing part accomplishes pretty much everything I'd want it to though.

It seems more structured than the preceding, which is good.

For now: enjoy of it what you can.

And of course, feedback is always appreciated.

To refrain from saying the same things that have been said, and definitely have been worth saying:

I really like the 'A trap in its own regard' line. (mind the apostrophe there though; it's not a verb, its a possessive pronoun)

I can read it in four different ways when combined with the surrounding lines, each of them equally meaningful.

Great stuff ^^

Good stuff. I like how you paint the scene around the rain, as opposed to the other way around. Unusual, but it works wonders.

The general inconsistent lack of punctuation hampers reading for me though. Either use it to full effect, or don't use it is what I'd say. That may just be me though.

So right. I'm in no good mood, that should be obvious. Be warned, whinage follows.

---

I'm crying out

my wrenched guts

spilled

onto uncaring paper

The same guts

that went topsy-turvy

every

single

time

The same guts

I should be spilling

to you, and only you

invite me to spil them

The same guts

that wrinkle

to a shallow shell

every time I try

Those same guts

here they are

take them

one word, one tear

at a time

But please

let me keep the latter

I have so precious few

---

That said, I'm at least somewhat satisfied with this, yet the 5th (dare I call it so?) stanza irks me.

As always, feedback is greatly appreciated ^^

I should call it a three-part, instead of calling it one.

That is, I'm expecting a conclusion will spring up some time, as events and feelings unfold, and meet eachother on some middle ground. Or more likely, just after I get my act together.

And thanks yet again, Katz and Face.

Addendum added. Far less pleased with it than I am with the first part though.

It seems to defy structure. Especially the last two lines bug me.

So be it.

You are absolutely right. Completely missed that.

Thank you, and thank you ^^

Out of the blue, you asked me

you had me all open, baffled

at loss for words

stunned

You pushed the cart

and I had but to leap

yet I just stood

mesmerised

And the cart moved on

Thankfully, like the world

the wheel spins in circles

---

Yet for all my waiting

this cart seems to avoid

anything constituting anything

near my grasp

With every moment, passing

it fades farther into the nothing

that it carries

And the cart moves on

Doubting, I find myself,

if I'll be there for the backswing

---

And there I found myself

hailing you as you pushed

that cart of yours

halted

Looking in as we spoke

inside your loaded cart

I seemed

too much

And the cart is moving on

While I stand, watching you go

that apology lingering between us

Definately digging it.

I like how you built most of the song over the same chord progression, only varying it in the end.

Keeping the music low key with the heavy muting is definitely a good thing in my book, but it makes the switch to ringing chords all the more sudden, and maybe a bit overwhelming. With the chorus -even when repeated- being a bit on the short side, it leaves me just getting into it when you lapse it out. It works though, and it might just be my headache talking right now.

One thing that does bug me is the hesitancy with which you enter the second verse, both the first couple of notes on the guitar and the complete first line of vocals. My own approach would be to make the first line "like the...tomb" run into eachother smoothly, instead of inserting a rest after 'closure'. This would create a bit of element of buildup, in advance of the chorus. Not to mention variance in something that may be percieved as 'more of the same' after the first verse immediately preceding it. Of course, there's something to say for keeping it in line with the rest as well.

Also, I'd cut a measure out of the break in between the two verses.

All in all, good stuff. Definitely catchy. I've been walking around with a tune like this in my head since a jam session two years back. This might exorcise it

Awesome atmosphere. It doesn't have a beat, but I can def'nately dance to it.

The only quirks I could point out are the end of the second stanza, which sounds a bit awkward to me, a bit forced maybe. I can't really put better words to it. Either because I'm just at a loss, or because all my sinusses are pounding a beat of their own.

That, and the very last sentence. Maybe it's just because it ends in a period. Maybe it's because of the actual content. I don't know. It seems a bit contradictory to the overjoyed, almost screaming mood of the rest. It sounds rather matter of factly, to me anyway.

Anyway, good stuff, and good to hear from you again ^^

I sit here

“doing stuff!”

but I have to

and I'm going to

in a minute

It's never a trouble mate, just a challenge to overcome

NOW can you stop saying you're not that good at the entire writing thing?

That said, while it's good, the structure seems a bit haphazard to me. It kindof forms a verse-chorus-verse construction, yet not quite.

Also, have you thought about ending the "I am nothing more..." line there, and moving the rest to the next?

It still is a beauty, well thought of, well performed. From memory, this version seems more calculated than the previous, and I'm not quite sure if that's an improvement. Though that might be just my memory playing up on me. A sleepless night spent doing homework tends to deprive of the will to look stuff up.

one small thing I'm assuming is a mistake: "I am can..." in the last stanza, 11th line.

Keep it up.

Oblivion so blindy chased

by everyone, afrought with haste

Running t'wards their doom with ire

drowning out every desire