Mardrax

Theme 12: Insanity

 

You Can Watch

 

Some would call it deviant

Locking oneself from the world

Keep it there long enough

And most would step it up

A notch or two

On the wall of aggravations

Bearing its marks of long

Imprisonment within it

A colourful world

Yet so utterly alone

So quiet, peaceful

That no one, ever

Could set a foot inside

But me.

 

This retreat? Mine.

My wall, my chalks.

And you're not playing with them.

In a million years.

 

But you? You can watch.

Theme 11: Memory

 

Panopticon

 

An angry white guy

Yammering into my ears

Incessant, obnoxiously

As if he had something

To prove to me then

 

Messages of 'make it

Or die trying' filled me

Exchanged for blood

Gore, guts and sexuality

 

Two worlds so different

And which was I in?

None. Never was.

Stuck in the middle

Caught in between

 

Nowhere to belong

Yet everywhere to go

The only memento I hold

Dear.

Theme 10: Breathe

 

Cycle

 

Inhale

Let me tear myself apart

To get a little room inside

Help me clear out all the crap

So I can breathe

 

Exhale

Get it all out of my chest

So I don't have to keep it down

And slowly choke myself

'Cause I can't breathe

 

Inhale

Focussing on that deep breath

Since I don't really have a choice

But to get clean air inside

And suck it up

It's been some time coming, but I've been awesomely busy today. Here's a can't-set-my-mind-haiku.

 

Theme 9: Cut

 

Pain pays?

 

Her legs a' pumping

Bloody streamlets running down

Attention unpaid

It's perfectly fine here I'd think Mai. Also: great job. I love it.

Alrighty. New day (past midnight, yo!)

 

Theme 8: Away

 

The hole of you

 

I walked into the room that day

Opened the door, prepared to be pounced

And stood there, waiting for nothing

I sighed in resignation as I saw

Your spot on the couch, the table

Void of any sign of your presence

My nostrils flared, smelled the wolf

But she too was gone

 

I fell on the couch, a sigh of relief

Finally some peace and quiet

Both of us needed it

But it panged, anyway

The loss of you tore at my core

Weird. Few things, few people have

 

And it is with that hole in my being

I walk around today, trying to fill it up

With friends, and hellish lot of noise

Yet the silly DJ killed the power

But the friends, they're there

And miss Neutrality on her way

Mes amies: je t'adore.

Don't worry, you'll see more. I haven't been around this long to disappear after reaching an arbitrarily set ammount of postings in an arbitrarily set timeframe

 

Hardest part of this challenge so far: I want to rush through it. If I didn't hold myself back, I'd be done by tomorrow evening. Good stuff.

Amen to that Snypiuer.

*returns the hug heartily* Yesterday, I would have said "worse". Now, I say "I just woke up, just hug me and hush!" ;p

Naw. I really don't know. Feel iffy, but clean. Done my things. Nothing more I can do.

 

~~~~~

Theme 7: Heaven (it rhymes, you know. And *yay!* one week down)

 

So should I pray to Him?

 

That last moment of sitting there

Just sitting there, and talking

Silly little pets in balls, adorable

Through the hurt, the anguish

The mutual differences aside

Life's insecurities rolled past

That's where my mind stays

In purgatory, the wretched must wait

 

You telling me "I don't know

When I'm leaving, or be back

It all depends on Him now

I cannot know His ways"

Yet I know the old Lord

Has never been a kind one

 

And like a true passing, you went

Without a proper chance for goodbye

To return to your lost loved ones

And I'm left here, disillusioned

At least, I know that from this Heaven

You'll one day return

 

Yet I don't know if I should wish this upon you.

I just noticed I never read this, and wow, am I sorry.

Like P said, originality is a myth, mostly. Every chord's been played, every word's been said, every thought's been thought. It's our job to rearrange them into something different. Something inherently ours. Or theirs. Or no one's.

I love the role reversal you did here. It makes a strong story of mutual care, of kindness repaid. I especially love the lines of "Wash my face / With tears from your eyes". They make for a powerful image of cleansing through hurt and empathy.

 

Snypiuer, my hat off to you.

Simple,

clear,

concise.

 

Nothing left to take away.

You, my old friend,

should be musetickled more often.

Welcome to my burden here James. That it may be as pleasant a burden for you as it is for me.

And you're off to a good start

I look forward to having a partner in crime James.

To continue, a short one, but full enough:

 

Theme 6: Break

 

The Camel's Back

 

Stuff rained down in disarray

As You Bastard's calculations

Thought to seek what it might weigh

Since he felt the sensations

Of that final strand of hay

And sank through his foundations

 

Queen Ptraci walked away

To pursue her obligations

Took her things without parley

To see missed destinations

And left You Bastard an array

Of baseless allegations

So, while I'm doing the challenge, there's no reason I can't do unrelated stuff, so here goes. Bits of this have been nagging at me far too long. For those thinking there's some strange language in here, it's because apparently my control of the English language still isn't perfect at 6 am, while falling asleep in between writing

~~~~~

 

She exists there, perched on my couch

And like I've been warned, her moods swing

One minute smiling, cuddling the pup

The other just, there. Cursing everything

Lamenting the existence of herself, and all the world

Around her, inside her, causing hurt and fatigue

But everything, always, inside.

 

And I look inside, and see myself. Reflected

Upon slights glaring at me, saying "hey mate

This is you, you're this. Your natural state of

Frag the world, and everything, everyone in it

Not as if I need you, you don't offer me anything

Worth the investment of being thankful over

Since really, it's all fleeting anyway, as I am

I might as well fleet on.

 

Sail my little boat across the oceans

Of ennui and annoyance as I sing

My eternal song of "I can do this

Better. With more investment.

I can take more from this. But then I do

Not care about anything I could

And anything I'd want to take keeps on

Dissapearing behind this or the next wave

Forever just out of grasp, as I fumble

For the rigging that keeps all this together"

 

And I look outside, and see you again

Still perched like a queen of distant

Disillusion hopes and dreams

And the same thoughts hit me like waves

Ebbing and flowing with the unsteady beat

Of an exhausted man on his last breaths

Why do I do this?

What drives me to invest so much of that

Of which I have so little; time, energy, cheer

Into one I barely know, but share my bed with

Into one who gives so little back, exempting

Those rare moments of synchronised upswing

When all I get is a smile, but it fills me with hope

 

Like seeing the mast of your floundering

Cardboard boat rise above a crest, triumphant

Saying for the moment, we can take this

And I can think of but one answer:

For love.

 

Yet I lie. How misplaced is that answer, seriously?

It's not. Yet, it's so wrong. The question is

Not, nor has ever been one of for what. Rather

For love of whom, and why? What do I chase, really

And I answer all anyone ever can: I listen to the stories

I tell myself, chasing pipe dreams of things, people

That have long dissappeared behind waves, behind me

 

Because every time, I still see her, in you, like I did

See myself in her, and you in me, and all our boats

Tossed into one wave-valley by a stream of thought

And every time I think I've something to make up

To the both of you, and I won't ever to her

And you? You just keep racking up the guilt

Telling me whatever I do, it's not sufficient

That no matter how hard I paddle, the next wave

Will just carry you off again, out of reach

 

And I look behind me, and see the world

Outside my little bathtub of aggravations

Where all this time, the tap's been running

Water thundering down, the wavemaker

Yet I haven't had the chance to pull the plug

And I think to this world, forget about it

I've been doing the same

 

Hey world?

I'm sorry.

One day, a wave will carry me up within reach

And I'll turn off the tap that created it

Let my little tub of worries come to rest

And say "Hey world,

Thanks for paddling after me."

 

But for now, I'll paddle after you

Hoping one day, you'll turn off your tap

That you may rest, recover, and tell me

The same. Why?

 

For love of howling at the Moon.

As the most distant of friends

Can feel closest at times.

Theme 5: Rot

 

Time, flies

 

You sit there

mocking me

emphasising my point:

 

Time, I need

more of it, always.

 

While she sits there

Waiting for me

To prepare some of you

Underlining the fact

 

That while I feel bad

You just go it

While time slips from me

It just passes for you

Still, dear dinner

We both grow old,

white and hairy.

Theme 4: Dark (Figures, doesn't it?)

 

Face to void

 

So long ago, that I sat there

Too long, since I had anywhere

To sit there, just sit there

And utter my way of a prayer.

 

With or without moon

The wind would sing its croon

While my thoughts were just strewn

As I let them go, this I swear

 

The waves lapped at my feet

Come rain, storm or sleet

On the pier, my retreat

Where I would so often repair.

 

But always, those new year's

As I would switch back gears

Make good on my arrears

As fireworks lit up the air

 

Always it was me

Always the darkness

Face to void.

Oh how we long for that day Zool.

Still, realise that writing every day doesn't necessarily mean posting every day. You can save up in the days without a net connection.

 

~~~~~~

 

Theme 3: Light (working through the basics here)

 

Fuzzy

 

Something about fuzz

Because even the memory

Has been trying

 

At times, growing hairy

Since everything fuzzy does

-Everything alive-

Eventually

 

Still, the feeling's the same

With the sun's fuzzy rays

Filtered through a curtain

Of early sunday morning

 

And while I'd still pledge my smile

To wake you up every time

This precious, fuzzy gem

-We still keep close to us

'Tween my hand and your belly-

Is all we'll ever need

 

So let's make light of it.

Lol Snypiuer, quick response there. Stop biscuiting about your commenting skills though, you've anything at all to offer, I'll accept it gladly.

And yay for some extra incentive. Let's see what we can make of this.

 

~~~~~

 

Theme 2: Love (To have this exfenetrated)

 

It might be good, but it's a bit cookie dough

 

You know

 

That hard, cold exterior

You so proudly boast

Hiding that doughy inside

Was meant to be warmed

Yet it's utterly frozen

 

When we met, I expected

More darkness inside you

You promised me this

What bits there were, dough

coated and all, complimented

 

Your vanilla make-up blend

Too simple for the tastes

Of most, some claim

I would have, myself

Had I not eaten you out

So many wonderful times

 

So every time we lay,

Spoons in firm embrace

And have our insides meet

I thank your creators

 

Mister B and Mister J,

Truly

I love you.

So right. I've decided to take up this challenge as a way to get out of my "I should write more" cycle of remarking that, but not following up. Also, it's a step in my admittedly ambitious plan to get myself to obey some discipline, instead of always balking at it.

 

So what challenge is this? Some of you might have seen it floating around. I'll be trying to write a single poem every day, each to a different theme, for 100 days. At that rate, I should be finished in late juli. Let's see if I can keep this up. Feedback and comments are absolutely welcome in between my own stuff. Here goes:

 

~~~~~

Theme 1: Introduction

 

First Coming

 

two wolves pulled you

your car standing there

hood open, trunk crammed

a traveler in body

 

I wasn't just seeing

where you were going

where we were going

since I travelled too

 

and that first awkward second

hug of first impressions

quick, glancing, tentative

summarised our not knowing

 

what to do

until the wolf

brought the Moon down

 

down out of sight

but never out of mind.

I find this hard to place words to. Mind if I use yours? Oh, well if yours aren't any good either, let me try.

 

 

Te feeling I get here s something we as writers must have all felt at some point, and by extension everyone creating anything, so pretty much everyone.It's recognisable, but almost in a way to be chewed out already, though the form you give it is refreshing. Your use of the rhyme scheme flows naturally for me, and doesn't seem forced at all. Nice feat there. Rythm, however, is something you could definitely use some work on, and meter by extension. Some lines and combinations thereof flow exceptionally well, other s are very jarring to me. Did you intend those to jar? The "darkly lurking" stands out in particular there. I think "where they lurk / while" would work much better there.

 

Content-wise, I love the self-referencing of the second to last stanza. Futher, I guess the old adage is true. Admitting you've a problem is the first step to gettig out of it, and I guess you've taken the second here already. Nice and empowering.

 

All in all, well done Jomeansme. I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Let me just chip in here and say I've been checking in semi-regularly, but haven't been doing more than reading the Banquet Room and participating in the First Lines thing Gravia rebooted. This is actually the first time in two years, I think, that I've looked beyond the walls of the Banquet.

What can I say? I love my food.

 

What I've been up to since years back when I was actually active? Living with the person I checked in to talk to most, breaking up again, moving around, switching schools (Training to be a nurse, since I need a vocation where long legs and a blonde mane meet stereotypes. Sadly, 'ninja' lacks any appreciation for this, even though black suits me.) buying my own house, and general stuff. Guess that sortof sums it up.

 

Expecting more from me would be a no go at the moment, since I'm trying to avoid all this vehement adherence to one type of activity that I've had before. You'll see me 'round from time to time though.

You, my friend, are worthy of worship. ;p

I can't really give this the time it deserves right now, and don't think I have to, really. Both good reads. The second one feels deep somehow. Good work there. I also like how the first sets a tone that's very much... like a conversation, I guess, but bordering on a "see? There really aren't any monsters under the bed" kind of feel, for me anyway. Good stuff as well

One note of criticism though: don't explain the joke. (Disclaimer: tvtropes will ruin your life)

Most of the time, a point brought across subtly will have far more impact than one brought with bravado, and feel more powerful to boot.

Nice, very nice indeed. Powerful.

You keep on showing off that skill in building up through repetition, through adhering to a theme and following it out to the end. As Freyis said, you conjure up images with very little indeed, and such powerful images they are. Such powerful emotions they express. With the scant ammmount of material you achieve that with, it's an impressive feat indeed.

 

Some nitpicking: did you mean to lose the 't' in "sanctuary" in the last three stanzas? Also "they were drown out" should probably be "they were drowned out" in all cases. Lastly, the last line of the second stanza has a double "the".

That is, coincidentally, the only line that doesn't sit very well with me. It's powerful, vivid, but it doesn't fit the structure of the other stanzas very well, mostly because it's just longer. Perhaps something like "the hum of praying men" would work better?

 

In the end though, what's more important: what do you think? How does playing around with formatting feel to you? Does it make things more difficult? Does it widen your options and your sense of what you can do?

*grin*

I like.

I love how you keep on displaying a knack of building strength through repitition, without feeling like you're repeating yourself.

 

If I would be giving you any tips, it'd be to experiment some with structure and formatting. Play around with punctuation, capitalisation and other stylistical elements.

For example in this piece, does every sentence really need that comma at the end? That capital at the start? Does every sentence need the line break where it is? Does every letter need to be the same boring typeset that you've used before?

Straight, unbolded?

Or could it do with a little taste of Italics?

What effect do all of these elements have? What would be the effect if you omitted them, or replaced?

 

You're showing a very firm grasp of the formatting structure you've used in mostly the same form as you've used in all your works on here, of delivering content as is - simple and effective. Breaking out of that mold may make your grasp even firmer.