Ayshela

hmm.

something kinda like this?

~~~~~

 

 

If I could only heal your heart,

Those careless wounds I’d mend –

If only I knew where to start.

 

You’ve all the comfort I can send

Within the walls you’ve built.

And while defenses you still tend

 

Supporters hearts are filled

With hugs and love and sympathy,

Hope that stress hasn’t killed

 

Your willingness to simply BE.

I know this life you would depart,

But it gets better. Wait and see.

Actually, this is an *excellent* place to start. You do have some very good elements here, good insights to work with.

wild in its glory

A kind of wrath

unclouded there

and

A writhing horror

Each are very vivid and penetratingly perceptive (forgive the alliteration) phrases which give the reader a glimpse of what you're seeing. In this, your aim is already partially accomplished.

 

Where to take it from here? What do you want to communicate? The awesome fearful beauty in a visual sense? What you felt as you watched it? What it sounded like? You *can* go anywhere with it, but it looks like you haven't really decided which way to go yet.

 

Again, this is a respectable beginning. Also, kudos for seizing the words and thoughts before they escaped.

What a lovely gift - peace so beautifully illustrated it's tangible.

This is wonderfully done, and your timing is impeccable.

ohhhhhh let's see.. you'd never believe i did high hurdles in track in my teens, you'd think i'd fall over them *grimace*

 

i slid out of a cherry tree once, straight down into a barbed wire fence.

 

was walking down stairs in the auditorium once, with my best friend. a mutual friend called from up above and as we turned to look i caught my heel on the tape strip at the edge of the step (did i mention that these were concrete steps?) and managed to slide, on my back, down the other fifteen steps.

 

was running upstairs to answer the phone one afternoon as my brother came in the house and slammed the door, startling me. i missed my step and fell UPstairs, for a change, smashing my hand into the support for the railing and cracking three fingers.

 

was walking into a grocery store one rainy day and slipped on a wet patch of floor, slid halfway down the aisle, turned three shades of red at least, and escaped the vicinity being very grateful that my skirt had stayed in the down position...

 

numerous twisted ankles and sprained wrists.

 

and yet - i danced fairly well, did track, some gymnastics, routinely RAN in 3-inch heels without incident (even on gravel).

 

*shrug*

*tosses sodas at everyone who said the word "old" in their wishes*

*giggles*

 

Happy Birthday Jakob! hope it's a good one!

personally, it never occurred to me that one less than technically adult would be unaware, unknowing, of some of the darker elements of life. Children of abusive households know - the pain and terror, the desperate trying to please, eventually how to become an abuser themselves because being like the abusive one lessens their portion of pain.

 

you raise a good point, and one that i pondered and decided to leave unsaid at the moment, due to personal issues with the concept. However...

 

Bearing the consequences is not the same as bearing responsibility. A child who now has no mother bears the consequences, while bearing no responsibility for someone else's act. Was there meant to be, implied or explicit, an element of responsibility borne for the murderous rage? Is the blank forgetfullness allowed to eliminate responsibility, leaving only the natural consequences?

 

This is the only point of this whole, excellently done, piece, at which my mind rears up and says "umm, wait a minute".

(psst - Salinye - isn't this where you say "i KNEW i perfected that innocent look for SOME reason!" ??? heeee)

Salinye, how do you keep doing it?

i mean, taking the words right out of my mouth?

 

Justin, Salinye already said it, i can only echo. You set a high bar for those of us with faint hopes of someday following you.

i'd like to offer some sort of critique, but i can't get beyond the content. i've often wondered if the "what the 'ell happened to you?" was real, or feigned. perhaps it was real?

hmm.

(wanders away in a thoughtful daze)

ohhhhh... ouch.

 

mechanically - i like the way you set the rhythm for this, you effectively capture the combined feel of racing to catch the light and the cut-short impact.

you've definitely got a feeling of mixed fear and guilt contrasting legal blamelessness. That's a difficult burden to bear and tangled threads to sort out.

 

kind of makes you wish you could see a few seconds into the future.

 

 

*hugs*

ahh Finnius, that was beautiful! were it printed it would be a definite page turner.

i can't even offer critique, i was too engrossed to notice more than the words tumbling by as i eagerly awaited the next.

brilliantly, beautifully done.

ahhh Finnius, you've made being awake with a beastly cold as close to a pleasure as it could possibly be!

 

Wonderful reading! i'm in awe.

oh, i love it!!!

rather reminds me of the "what is it? a toothbrush" thing that made the rounds a while ago.

very cleverly done!

i really like the vivid description here. The imagery is clear enough you can almost see the path and hear the gale. Only one thing confuses me:

 

Shadows cast in wild obsoletes

i'm familiar with obsolete, used as ancient, antiquated, outmoded, out of date - yet none of those definitions would apply here. i'd really like to see the rest of this picture. could you please tell me what this means?

*giggle*

clever, Peredhil.

however WILL you manage it? i just don't know...

Happy Birthday to Dakeyras!

 

(passes out cake and ice cream for all)

*hugs*

i hope you will

Fantasy is the mental vacation which makes real life bearable.

hmmmm

you mean i'm not the only one who questions everything in those darkest hours?

*hugs*

it certainly came together as if you'd planned it that way.

frustrating when the words have a mind of their own, though, isn't it?

"I'm moving" you said when i came down to visit.

i heard you, and my heart stopped in place.

i stood frozen as tears rolled down my face

thinking, "it's not the end of the world, or is it?"

 

Will the last time you understand be today?

Will my written words tell you what i feel?

Will your written words help my heart to heal?

Can they, from three thousand miles away?

 

 

(With apologies, this is totally on the fly)

Excellently done.

Trapped in an existence (i will not call it a life) that the rest of the world cannot, will not, see.

Ugly truth, beautifully illustrated.

 

i'm glad you no longer swim in that sea of despair.

You list the syllables in your name all in caps, Salinye. Is one syllable emphasized more than others?

 

For mine, A(as in the name of the letter, A)-shell-uh, emphasis on the leading syllable.

 

Good question, though, and i'm glad you asked because i know i've looked at a nym or two and wondered.

Happy Birthday, Silexion! As you're only a couple years older than i am, i'll throw a soda at/to Elwen on your behalf.

i like this

to fit the rest of your pattern this

Singing bring joy to those.

should probably be

Singing bringing

but that's the only thing i noticed out of place at all.

 

i'm sure they'll like it.

 

 

edited to fix a stupid spelling error