Solivagus

Hehe-you cannot deny the power of a shoe! Richard and his lonely shoe, Weather beaten, wet with dew, What untold tales the shoe must know, Having lived through years of sun and snow, Drawn to him by an unknown force Filled with sorrow and remorse And now the two may live as one Until their time on Earth is done, The shoe for its lost twin must grieve And sweetest Richard, so naïve May journey on to Camden Town And find the only way is down When darkened eyes and sweeter smiles Are separated not by miles But by the space between two stars And quiet songs played on guitars By troubled souls who cannot sing Their words are left now, lingering On calmer nights when girls in dreams Tear their hearts out from the seams And talk of losing and the hurt And finding answers in the dirt Where Richard found his lonely shoe, Weather beaten, wet with dew, Though lesser things may come to mind, I hope some happiness they find To soothe their souls and let them see The beauty left in dignity And as they walk, forgetting woe And pain they bore some years ago They smile as they are taught to do, Richard and his lonely shoe. This blue stuff does strange stuff to you you know?

Hehe Just in case I get rich some day... There are people of our ilk Who are used to nil but silk, We expect that should we meet, It's a must to kiss our feet Because we're known as the elite. It is likely you are lowly You are surely not as holy, We are special kind of people We are strong and never feeble, We're a bell up in the steeple. Don't compete, t'would be a joke You could try but you would choke, Butterflies be in your belly Your attempt would be like jelly You are meant to run a deli. Could you ever really join us, Might as well just try to coin us, We're unique unto each other, You could never be our brother This was told to us by mother. Thanks for coming in to see us, You're too far below to be us, You should try again next year Keep yourself away from beer If you see us..you should cheer.

The first of, hopefully, many. They'll come slow at first, but that's only natural really There was a time I could have stated, on the subject of comments related, If a poet can sigh, as senseless as I, Then I'll bury the comments I hated. The point is sometimes, I get me too cute And hurt someone's feelings too much, to boot, Believe when I say, I intend not this way My gibes should be a touch more astute. I'm a kidder, a jester, an all around pest I don't mean to harm, only add zest, But sometimes I mar by going too far, It's hard to abate a really good jest. I said enough if you read all my stuff, There in the rough, most of it's puff, Forgive and forget, "Hail Fellow well met" And don't go away in a huff. Richard looks on nervously-well, what do you think? Should I try another?

I resist this life you've left me in, ill-equipped for living nightmares of someone else's life. Dreams left shattered ease so dismissed, caught up in a snare of fate so casutic with strife. The frustration in the guilty hell of slowly living on, if only to remember all is lost. Counting off the days until the mental seige while burning every bridge half-way crossed. The passage of birth and the conception of fear, an errosion of innocence in a day. A quest for replacement to mock a guilty soul, strained to reassemble a margin of sanity for display. Peace in the night swiftly is stolen keeping sight of freedom's door. Evolution of grief is an ironic gift that destroys one's soul to the very core.

Maybe this isn’t the best choice But I’m good at making mistakes Maybe life would get better, somehow But by then it would be wasted away. You knew I hurt myself, I thought about suicide You knew but never acted for so long That I thought maybe this is what you wanted Maybe it’s not so wrong. I’m sorry you don’t have anyone To take out your anger on I’m sorry you have no one to hurt, to blame Now that I am gone. I’m sorry I held on for so long Making your life worse day by day. I’m sorry I screwed up, I’m sorry I tried And that it had to end this way. I’m sorry I wasn’t the genius you wanted I’m sorry I wasn’t as perfect as you thought. I’m sorry I fought back when you turned on me I’m sorry for the pain I brought. I’m sorry you never knew me like you thought you did I’m sorry I hid my life from view. I didn’t mean to cause you half the amount of pain That I got everyday from you. But know that I gave up on everything So full of hate I could not move. Remember my life every minute of the day And that it‘s all because of you

Ain't friendship just great... As I swim close to the shore I am reminded of how I am swimming through life Sometimes it is easier to stay in the safety of the shallows I can put down my feet as the water isn't too deep I can keep you at a distance, my new found friend I can view you from the water's edge I may dip my toes just to see how it feels Is it safe to go further with this friendship ? I could swim a little further Allow myself to become almost submerged in you Soles of my feet still touching the sand Not yet ready to finally let go What kind of sea are you really ? Are you calm, serene, uplifting ? Will you let me rest my head on your shoulder Lay back and float in your warmth ? Or are you full of tricks? Will you let me think I am safe Only to realise you have a darker side to you Ready to pull me under ? I do not wish to fight you Do not wish to be tossed by your strong current I only want to swim with you Not drain all my energy wrestling against you There is only one way to discover you Kick out my legs and head further from the shore Now I am in your hands Do not let me drown.

This is MY work, not Richards, not Heinrichs but fully and solely, MINE I walked across the ground littered with bones, They crunched beneath my feet, Snapping, cracking, breaking. I strode between iles of my enemies, Impaled on spikes, writhing in thier agony and screaming out for help, And I laughed! Suddenly a path of marble appeared. Its surface was coated in rivulets of blood, Creating beautiful entrancing patterns on the pure white stone. I bent down and scooped some up with my hands. The blood ran down my bare arms, Twisting and coiling as I drank the sweet, sweet blood. And there before me stood the gates of hell, Flames roaring up it's sides, Flickering in the light of the deep dark sky. Howling demons gibbered at me, Threataning me with torture but I was not afraid. And then the king of Hell appeared. Head and shoulders taller than me, I still faced him without fear. My voice called up to his horned head, "Lord of Lords, I challenge you!" The darkm lord laughed his terrible laugh Flame belched from his mouth and his whip cracked the air. "What is your challenge and gamble, mortal?!" "I challenge you to a drink of blood" I replied to the mightiest of kings. "I declare before your servants that I can best you blood for blood, Pint for pint and your thirst will be quenched before mine! As to the reward, I will claim hell as my own, And your heart will be my sustenance." The king of hell laughed again. "Agreed, mortal. But should you fail your soul will be sundered, Cast into an eternity of pain and suffering." So saying he produced to skulls from beneath his robe of fire, The drinking vessels of our match, And the contest began. He lifted and downed, I lifted and downed, And still the contest went on. The king looked down at me in wonder as I drank and drank, The sweet, sweet taste of fresh humans blood refreshing my throat, Pleasing my mind. For I took my blood from the living, While he had to take from the dead. I laughed when the lord set down his skull with a sigh, "No more, my thirst is quenched, You have conqured." His demons laughed with me and together we formed around the beaten king. Reaching forth my hand, I plucked out his heart. Black and rotten, It looked to be the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I drew out my knife and savoured piece after quivvering piece, Feasting on the heart of the lord and tasting eternity. I slit his wrists and the pure blood of the king washed down the perfect meal. Demons came forth and drew designs upon my chest, And finally I was free from hunger and thirst. In my own words, mind and soul, Solivagus.

Who am I to question you? Don’t you know what I’ve been through? I have not lived a perfect life My body has been my own sacrifice I destroy all things that are good I would hide away, if I could I make things run away No one ever wants to stay Getting close is what I fear But then again no one hears They think they know me deep inside But they do not know the pain I hide No one knows the life I led Or the thoughts that run through my head The pain is what drives me mad The loneliness is what makes me sad In this life theirs so much pain I often wonder “what’s the gain?” Life on earth is filled with sorrow But is there hope in a new tomorrow?

I watch you Creeping across the room Looking for your next prey Forgetting about your yesterday I don't trust you I see right through you Manipulating the truth Everyone wants something A disguise to make them stable A lie to improve their fable I don't trust you I push you away, mocking you inside You smile with such profanity Your laughter mocks sincerity You can't reach me I see right through you One thing I'm sure of Is the charade of your integrity Conviction is an insight Not seen with selfish eyes I don't trust you I see right through you

Demons of the Past What do you see When the lights go out When you’re in your bed The demons roam about What do you see When you’re in the dark Do you see them coming Do you hear them, they’re not too far. Do you see what I see When you’re alone at night Do you know what I know Between evening and morning’s light. Do you hide like I do In the middle of the witching hour Do you cry like I do And in the corner cower? Do you smile like I do And act like everything’s ok? Do you play your part as I do In life’s deceptive little play? What do you see In the darkness vast? Do you see the demons coming The demons of the past?

Fear Fear is something I cant explain You only know if you felt the same The feeling of extreme fright Thinking someone is coming in the night Your heart is racing Your body shaking You stare at the door Just waiting, anticipating If only their was someone here Someone to keep your nightmares clear If only the lock would keep them out If only someone could hear my shouts Why do they torment me this way Why do they proceed to stay They haunt me in the night Knowing of my past of frights They whisper in my ear Knowing each of my worst fears Every noise I am aware Crouching in the corner so very scared

In a dream I saw death gambling... Death Dealer I’ve had enough I’ll change the world I’ve got my gun My hate’s unfurled Murder’s angels Cold blue steel One trigger pull To spin the wheel I’m the dealer It’s my table Like I’m your Cain And you’re my Abel So raise the stakes And drop the ball The time has come To take the fall The killer comes With hell to raise Fate’s roulette spins Our numbered days From underfoot To standing tall The one you crushed Is now your god

Voices What can you do? they say.... We've been around here forever, clogging your mind, blocking your soul, your life, our will to sever. You cannot heal yourself, you'll never wander free, we were handed down from yesterday, we kept you alive, don't you see? Hush.... little one.... close your eyes, we'll block them out for you, we'll bury all the lies. No need to look for solace, hush now.... stay where you are, there's no one out there to save you, don't start running, you'll go way too far. Leave now your worries, we can take care of everything, we're always here reminding you, it is your sanity we can bring. Leave the tears as they fall, futility is never all that bad, use them to wash away those years leaving you so very sad. Hush now....... don't say any words, if you begin we cannot prevent your fall, they'll never understand you, we'll arm you with ways to enthrall. Listen not to the cracking, feel not the rushing cold, Sssshhhhh.... rest now inside your darkness, nothing here to be told. Have no fear of the outside world, we'll never let them in, no one but us...... will ever know your sins.

My dreams come alive In this place in which I once thrived Demons laughing, knowing I I can’t make it through the night My life is in my own hands I don’t know if I can do it, but they know I can Demons dancing, along hell’s beaches Through their foul, putrid black sand As I fall to their satanic band. Hell is coming now, drawing near Awaiting me, the beasts I once feared Demons waiting at hell’s stormy pier I can finally see all I ever held dear. Realizations of where I am I try to scream but I don’t think I can Demons leading, hand in hand Leaving behind all I had, all I am. My nightmares come alive In this place where I once died Demons haunting for all time Just one part of a dark design.

You'd think I'd be tired of writing about suicide by now wouldn't you? Each night I drift to fitful sleep My dreams are strained my frown is deep Every morning I wake early Cold, sweating, alive but barely With tangled sheets enclosing me Each day I fight to struggle free I feel trapped, surrounded, broken All my friends just watch me choking I hate them, I hate myself I just can’t cope, this life is hell The more they know, the less I share For all the signs that others bare, I myself have clearly shown And now I feel more alone Everything I see turns grey Everyone just turns away Outside I’m silent and appear calm Inside I hear a deafening alarm It echoes all round my brain And my ears go numb from the pain So here’s the end to my façade As my world falls apart Finally, i know it will end And I hold up a gun to my head

This isn't to be taken personally I hate you all, I hate this day, hours where, I waste away, listening to you, you savage beasts, as you greedily talk, over a feast, priding each other, on all your success, looking down on me, as if I’m so much less, glaring at me, as if I were dirt, you might think I’m nothing, but I’m not hurt, think what you want, I do not care, tempt me, try me, ridicule me, glare, no wonder you hate me, you know I’ll be the one to make it, with you judging the world, your always going to have to fake it, so climb back up on your throne, made of lies and low self esteem, and I’ll keep on building mine, from real success, real dreams.

The stars glare unblinking Cold as the ice The moon is of no help The jester of blight They fall through the cell And bring with them fatigue They entice their victims And make them believe With night come the horrors And the dreams sank in, Sweet Prolonged are life’s tortures As the time draws on the Weak Judged by the world, who knows of him—none Expelled by his peers, for he is but one Unknowing of crime, and oblivious to his infraction The purest of souls takes the greatest of actions With day ensues anguish Inseparable, uncouth The scorn of the brazen eyes Those fearers of truth Resigned to his sentence, the convict walks on His trial unjust, his torture too long Accused of a crime He’s never commit His fate was decided By a battle of wits. Unending the hardships Interminable pain How is one to survive And keep his soul, Unchained?

The Vampire Within Eyes bitter twisted and Pure evil reign Slowly feeding of your skin As each drop of blood is drained. Fallen blood touches your skin Turns your eyes a shade of green, Twisted hatred in your skin as it rips Through your heart, Like needles through your energy As it rips you apart. Slowly fading away into the dark, No receding light, Just memories of your past As you seep into the night as the sun falls down It burns your pure sin As the vampire inside of you Gets inside your skin.

Pains of the Past The pains of the past How they loom in my soul They have different names Each story untold They drift and they drag Filling their bags Each happy feeling marked with a tag They stuff them all in Squeeze if they must All my good feelings Disappearing at once And then deep inside they pull and they pry Then release their hatred all through my inside It floats through my veins Out my mouth it seeps Words of bitterness is all that I speak I have no strength left to endure My heart has grown so very sore

Never to be found Hidden in a forest so far away, Where the air is dense and darkness holds sway, Where I walk slowly lost and unsure, Following a path with a hidden lure, Of a lost love and a chance to be free, A chance to get rid of the evil within me, Between ancient trees so tall and very old, Where the ground is covered in a carpet of mold, Walking upon a packed and stony trail, With each step gases are released smelling so stale, Of old sweat and dried blood and forgotten tears, I wonder if I am going the right way or am just I inducing more fears, I am tall of body and slim of frame, Dark eyed with a mind only just sane, I have a black aura surrounding me, Something that wriggles and writhes struggling to be free, I know it to be evil twisted corrupted and impure, I am fighting it with my all but my struggles are getting fewer and fewer, In the distance a break in the trees where there is a light, Finally is this where I can put an end to this fight? But no just another turn a different path, Within me my inner demons cackle and laugh, Stepping out and beyond blinking my eyes so they can adjust, I see a deep dark sinister cave covered in brown like rust, Moans in agony scream forth from its gaping maw, Slime drips from monstrous stalagmites into pools of gore, Knowing that I must step forth into this frightening place, With hesitant steps I move forward as my heart starts to race, My ears are hammered with unearthly sounds, Coming from past souls trying to drag free of sucking mounds, Knowing this might be the end where the living has no right, I fight to keep from gagging as my eyes take in the putrid sight, How can a sickly place like this exist? Full of disease spewing forth from an evil mist, As I start to sink deeper into this muck, And my mind starts to fall apart I find I am now stuck, With no way forward and no way back, My mind starts to lose its grip and my will goes slack, Now I know this is where I will be forever bound, Then so do I die never to be free never to be found.

Try to kill myself? Now why would I want to do that Halo? Failed attempt Desperation and fear guide me Darkness and death call me I search for a way to end it all A gun, no, too messy A knife, no, too painful Pills, worth a try Frustration mounts as I cant find any Look in the kitchen Search the bathroom Even look under the bed At last I find what I need But will it be enough Carefully I count the pills Knowing in this I will fail Its only Tylenol after all Have to know how many I took So I can know how many to try When I wake up from this nightmare Its too long swallowing one by one Just throw them all in my mouth Nothing better to chase it down Than a bottle of vodka The burning doesn’t last My throat goes numb It doesn’t take long For my stomach to resist I cant keep them down The pain is almost too much The way my stomach feels I might as well have swallowed gasoline I knew death wouldn’t come easily I wonder how many tries it will take How many pills will I have to swallow Or should I just take the easy way The one way I know to end it all With the gun barrel in my mouth?

I climb out of the bed, ready for another day in hell, Immediately a headache consumes my head, Pushing on my brain, making me go insane. Slowly walking towards the bathroom, Searching for a hidden devil, In every corner of the room, waiting, waiting, For something to jump out and take me down. As I reach the bathroom door, and slowly push it open, I see around the corner, what I believe to be Satan. Now my minds going wild, and I can’t get anything straight, And as the cat leaps up at me, I feel as though I’m about to die. For a second everything settles, and I reach down to stroke the cat, Then I glance up, and see my reflection in the mirror. Suddenly everything goes blurry and my mind starts to tumble, Trying to find a way out of this mess, I push open the cupboard door. I reach in and grab the first bottle I touch, and then hold it to my face, Letters fly through the air, but I can see clearly enough to read the word Aropax. I pull off the lid and empty the contents into my hands, Then shove them down my throat and try to swallow them whole. Slowly my world returns to normal and out of the corner of my eye I see a bottle, So I take a hold and read the words, and suddenly I know how to end my suffering. I can see my cat looking at me, trying to make me feel guilty, Guilty for abandoning him. I take him in my arms and pet his soft fur, Then I walk downstairs and give him his last feed from me. Taking the pills one more time, not leaving one to spare, A dry throat, suddenly thirsty, I take a shot of vodka, Hoping for it to wash down the pills. My whole world turns blurry and I can’t see anymore, So down I fall, down to the floor. I lie there for a while and start to cry, Can’t believe what I just done, can’t believe I could take my life. Darkness slowly envelops me and I find it hard to see, No words can come from my mouth, I realize as I silently scream. I hear a door open, but its too late now, I hear someone scream but the end has come to me now. I can feel a soft touch upon my arm, I’m sorry I try to say, sorry for giving in. Please forgive me for making your life hell, I didn’t mean to turn into what you had always resented. I’m sorry for not being here for you when you needed me the most, I just can’t go on anymore, please understand.

There is a solitude that only few can find it is a place they live in inside their mind The loss of life the will to live gives them a place to hide it is a burning up of everything inside Images of self worth run like water down the drain It is taken there by despair and pain No human voice no special friend this passage can stop hope just ends There are few answers but one is true the most cruel person is you to you

Cor, wonder how many pages I can make this last for... Wishing Don't waste your time on wishing upon those lifeless stars. There's no one there to hear you , Or help to heal the scars. There won't be any message in a dream to ease your pain, Don't waste your time on wishing, There's nothing you will gain. Don't waste your time on wishing upon the wishing well. There's no one deep inside it , To free you from your cell. It won't supply the answers to a life lived in despair. Don't waste your time on wishes, They disappear into thin air Don't waste your time believing it will all turn out all right, There won't be any miracles to lighten up your night , Don't waste time wishing foolishly for what can never be.... Don't waste your time on wishing, 'Cause it never worked for me.

Night... Middle of a lake... Half frozen from winter... I'm swimming into nothingness.. I'm cold, so cold.. I think I'm going to drown.. Send me a lifeline... Save me, save me... I'm going down... Water fills me... Choking my every breath... Leaving my lungs in total distress.. 30 seconds till I die.. What have I accomplished? What have I done? God, I'm gonna cry.. Don't make me suffer The tears I cry just disappear And mingle with the murky water Turning to icicles when they touch My face turns to stone... I am all alone in death As I was in life I AM DEAD... Not a breath of life in me There's no point anymore You can't save me... Too late... I've drowned