Vigil StarGazer

Enforced Politely by Peredhil Please don't reveal Real World Information on people without making very sure that they want it on a public board... Thank you.

I could try, but my tears hass been dried. I could scream, but my voice has been silenced. I could fight, but I have already be beaten. I could dream, but reality has robbed me from that. I could love, but no one accept cheap gifts. I could think, but no one seems to understand.... Thus, I write.

Oh yah! I've been upgraded to "An Honored Guest" sux0r! Oh yah, the Lord of the Gay is back, eternal Torment, hatred, pain and suffering Awaits!!! (crackles evilly and then leaves)

The mind of an author is as solitary as an oyster, silently he laid in the bottom of the sea, closed and motionless, but collection grains of small sand that flows by and forming it into a pearl. My inspiration cames randomly, like from anything... i could suddenly have a flash black to something i've heard in another conversation 5 years ago and used it to add to my writing, or sometimes it comes as an image which i cannot designate a source and can only collect a sense of feel... other times it's all innition, a gathering of experience sometimes collectively surfaces into my works. ofcourse, there are always a few inspirations that struck the spine of your self and the cords in your soul, so here goes: I never was much of a reader when i was a child, nevermind writing anything (especially with my horrible grammer). Come to think about it, i was still reading Mr. Uppity and Mr. Grumpy books in grade 5 (where's Mr. Psychopath and Miss Nymphomania anyways?) As a child I was forced to read The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe with no understand of what the poem what so ever, read some of the other required children literature such as Wizard of Oz, The Nanaria series (The Lion the Witch and the Wardrob etc), Island of the Blue Dolphins, Johnny, and once a while the libarian would read to us a morbid story call "the Clock on the wall" althought her voice inspire another style of horror itself. I totally missed out on Treasure Island or Ender's Game or other better young adult literatures worth reading. Hate reading, words on text is the bane of my existance. Then one day in another life time away, i've entered into the isolational stage in my teenage life, where I'm sure no one would understand me, where my life seems to lead into the possible path of just following what everyone else was doing and be another mindless automaton following the trend and fashion with no sense of self. It was an impossible path, for I am a loner and a freak of nature and someone are never able to get along with others. Then I wandered into the library, by chance wandered into the science fiction/ Fantasy section, and picked out a book with a nice cover on it It happened to be Margret Weis and Tracy Hickman's "Into the Labyrinth" the 5th book in the Death Gate Cycle. Granted I started to read the series from in the middle and pratically have no clue what was going on(plus that series isn't that great), but for some reason by peeking into the world of fantasy i began to understand reality, as if the two are served as comparison and contrast. The fantasy genre was the weapon to fight the bordom and purposeless in my life and it got me, for the first time in my life, hooked on reading. I finished death Gate cycle and bought the other books in the series that i can't find in the library, and then went on to reading my all time favourite series "Dragonlance Chronicles", then read "Legends" read a few more books and liked L.E.Morsiditt's matter of fact narritation, the historical acruacy of Ann Rice's books, especially how the novel seems to bring you back to that particular part in human history. "Wizard of earthsea" brought in a deep sense of individualism and will into the character which is interesting. "Stranger in a Strange land" by Heinlein actually opened my eyes and began to see religion as a huge properganda machine which controls the norms and culture of society, and the list goes on... When i was younger my dad used to rent movies, thought i scarly recall actually watching them. I knew i watched "The Empire strikes back" "The Return of the Jedi" "Total Recall" "Interview with the vampire" "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" "Indianna Jones and the Lost Ark" "Indianna Jones and the Last Crusades" and maybe a few more, though i never could recall a single scene from any of those movies. But with my new awareness I became deeply inspired by the Tragic Irony of "The Twelve Monkies" (it is from that movie where I understand the doomsday apparation and the actions avoiding fate leads to the fate itself idea) Sixth's sense brings out an interesting aspect of spiritualism, 'The Ring" (the origional Japaness version, not the american version crap) was the definite source of horror, althought it sould be more correct to say that there is an overflowing amout of 'ghost stories' in the Asian movie market and its general idea it held about ghost and spirits was what i took in as my own. It was the same with humor, although there was really not too many good humor films lately anywhere, except for "My Sassy Girlfriend" (which i hope they won't twist and warp it beyond recognition) I have downloaded the whole entire Neogenisis Evanglion series (though some epsoides are without sound) and i love the ending epsoides and its thoughts on existentialism. "There is a million of you, there's the preception of you inside your mind, and there is a preception of you inside my mind, and everyone else's mind...) Actually stayed in the theater for the whole entire Blair Witch Project, almost makes me throw up. Http://www.darkness.com was actually the writer forum particapate in... another gir who post dark poetry in there introduced me into it. the whole forum is dedicated to gothic writing and style, and I have some minor success with three stories i posted, i was serious into the discussion but the ppl keep a rotating door as they jsut come and go... alas i was a goth in mind but not in nature. The first inspirtional music i've heard was the Counting Crow's titled "The Sattlelite" CD, the whole CD is filled with dreadful, miserable song which i can relate to on a personal level. The Spawn sound track got me into the heavy metal scene and i love how their music is soaked with HATRED and ANGER and DESPERATION. The trend of Music comes and goes then, and when the song becomes overplay it's time to move on, and currently I'm just listening to songs from Final Fantasy until better songs comes out. "Baldur's Gate" showed me what a true adventure story should be (almost seemingly impossible, Twisted plot, and cool magic items) especially the the beginning of shadow of Arm which scared the living shit out of me and got me hooked on the computer for 72 hours non-stop playing. ( it makes good future reference for running future D&D roleplaying.) Alas, the character that inspirited me the most is .... Raistlin Majere!!! Part of the reason why i was so hooked to Dragonlance is the strong depiction of Raistlin... my admiration for him is beyond words, but can be best described by the authors themselves "... I can, We've all been laughed at one time in our lives; we've all been jealous of a sibling; we have felt pain and suffered, just as he suffered; and we've all longed - just once - for the power to crush our enemies! We pity him, we hate him, we fear him, all because there is a little of him in each of us, though we admit it to ourselves only in the darkest hour of the night." -Justanius, in regard to Raistlin Majere. Crystal has inspirited me in some strange ways... while we've only went out a couple of times she's deeply entranched into my mind... forever. Even now i could recalled some of the conversations we had and smile with both warm and bitterness in my heart. If the fantasy genre opened my mind into reality then she opened my mind about love.... Crystal, where-ever you are now, I wish you love and happiness.