Preprise

Wrote this a while back and have posted it elsewhere also. It's one of my strongest works and has withstood the test of time. I'll be posting my stronger pieces to begin with, just to give you a chance to see what I'm about. Go ahead and comment whichever way you want.

Swaying Beauty

She is wilder than the flowers

a swaying beauty

in a field

Half her life in guarded towers

her subtle strength

now revealed

A pause to clear your mind of thoughts

best forgotten

washed away

She is wilder than the flowers

a swaying beauty

swept away.

first time I see you not reject a crit. Keep up the good attitude.

You're profile says anything goes so here goes anything.

First off this has absolutely no point. So what about the Orisha? There's nothing here to keep me interested. If you gave us some background on the subjects or something at least but there is nothing I can care about, no vicar for my emotions. Basically this poem is saying, someone died for a pagan God. Woopee! Who? Where? When? all that stuff you know? What if you wrote a few stanzas about the people involved. Show the feelings of the murderers or the victim. Something!

Another thing is that it does not even present the event from an interesting or unusual angle. It just says what it is. Show don't tell Silver you should know that.

I've read some of your stuff before and you really can shine but you often slip into this trap.

My first thought was "this is a horribly cliche subject, 'oh I'm a victim pity me oh boo hoo hoo'". BUT, your very thoughtful vocabulary kept me interested enough to re-read several times. Having delved deeper into the piece, the cynical undertones of assertion become clearer. Though the writer underscores the negative repercussions of his actions he more dominantly questions the value of a seemingly "noble" act, the act of helping someone at the cost of one's own energy/emotions/strength. We are not wallowing in self pity here, rather we are beginning to work up the resolve to break a vicious cycle. Indeed, why do I do this?

Nit pick: I'd change "why do I do it" to "why do I do this". "It" has more of a generic connotation whereas "this" would give the impression of applying specifically to the scenario we are reading about and give the piece more immediacy and urgency.

Thanks for this.

yes, this forum's structure is bizarre and convoluted.

You don't remember me?

Oh I remember you fine.

I just really like this image, there use to be a smaller version of it, but I cannot find it now.

and while I'm at it, in that pm you sent me you don't say where poetry goes. Are there no poets here?

holy crow how long has this board been up? There's only three threads up for critique? Is there a place here where people actually want constructive crits? I mean more than what's there now?

Just wanting to know cause jee! If I post a piece and I get like, 1 crit, that's not much help you know?

I do? I do not remeber that. What did I miss?

I mistook you for someone else that's why you're confused.

Thanks for the clarifications. They make sense. I suspect I'll pretty much mostly hang out at the crit's corner. I'm a designer and designers tend to have pretty thick skin from all the abuse they get from art director's and creative directors so I need a place where people won't go soft on me. And that I don't have to go soft on them.

I'm not that old.

You owe me a few stanzas remember?

why can't we post stuff we've posted elsewhere?

I'm Preprise. I write experimental poetry and lyrics. I'm cranky, give harsh criticisms but if you get used to it and don't take it personal I'll grow on you and you'll become addicted to my authentic character.

Where's the forum rules thread?