Merelas Posted August 11, 2003 Report Share Posted August 11, 2003 If I might, I'd like to open this up... I appreciate the fact that nobody's cluttered up my thread, but... a little help would still be nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted August 13, 2003 Report Share Posted August 13, 2003 Good start, nice layout of the world. Nice introduction of the first few characters. Good flow to it all so far. I have questions but I assume they'll get explained more later into the story, such as, what kind of magic do these people have, who's what and such like that. My advice: When the guy prays to lady luck he says "I’ll buy you an drink afterwards if you toss me this one" Just change the an to an a. You tend to use commas alot, making run on sentances. You have a lot of "so and so did this, and then this happened, with this, and this." which is not that bad really, since they're all related actions, but I've always been a fan of splitting up movement. For example: Dahlia kneeled beside the man, held her hands out over his shoulder with fingers straight, then flexed her knuckles, leaving them slightly bent. Rays of green light moved from each finger into the palm of each hand, before merging and forming two neon beams. Maybe split it up some by doing Dahlia kneeled beside the man, holding her hands over his shoulder with her fingers straight. She flexed her knuckles and rays of green light moved from the fingers to the palms of each hand, forming two neon beams. That's not really the right way to do that...and now that I look at it it's not really the best, but I think you get the picture. Just break things up. I personally try to limit to two actions per sentence though, like most rules in writing, I don't pay attention to it lol. The only other thing is description. You've given little to none to distinguish characters at this point. I assume you'd give more physical descriptions as the story progresses on, but if not, you might want to add that in. I'm dumb when it comes to remembering names. Even more so in things I personally write. Sometimes I think it would be easier if everyone was named Bob. Anyway, good job, keep more coming, I'll definately be reading. Stories where everyone has thier own neat power were always my favorite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted August 14, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2003 (edited) Thanks for posting on the story! I have a job which is really inactive... time-consuming, but not all that thought-consuming, which leaves me with lots of time to think every day... And that in itself is scary, but it gives me lots of plot work time. So, during those 13.5 hours of nothingness, I worked out some of the plot, but I never quite got around to the distinct character descriptions. Thank you for pointing that out... I'll work it in somewhere. Will change the "an" to an "a". And the run-on's... They're addictive, I swear to God... I can't stop with them... I think it was Victor Hugo that had the sentence that had 108 words in it... or something like that. 22 commas, 4 semi-colons, and several brackets. *Starts chanting "HUGO! HUGO! HUGO!"* Oh, and about the individual powers/classes/whatever... all in good time, my friend... all in good time Edited August 14, 2003 by Merelas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted August 16, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 If anyone reads this, I would like to point out that I have added to the prologue in The Council, and am planning further refurbishment throughout the story. Thanks for your help, Orlan... you sorta kicked me into the editing process Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
troubled sleep Posted September 9, 2003 Report Share Posted September 9, 2003 I happen to really like this...and so I hope that you'll post some more soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merelas Posted September 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2003 I appreciate your comment, Troubled Sleep, and I apologize for the slowness of the continuations. The addition I did post the other night was also tiny, and there should be more coming soon, now that I've completed some duties to Hostel Thanks again for reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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