Damon Inferel Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 (edited) Cut the throat Jump off the boat Try to drown It's fun Sink the ship And don't give lip You can't die 'Till one Dying you But why so blue? It's all good There's sun A bright light An angel's flight Falling down ...you're done Strange angle... Hell's to strangle Twisted soul To shun... (Eh... whatever. I guess I could say it's about fallen angels and the Heaven's penalty for suicide... Despite the fact I'm not a Christian... I just love various philosophies and different points of view... Meow!) Edited June 18, 2003 by Damon Inferel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted June 17, 2003 Report Share Posted June 17, 2003 Nicey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted June 18, 2003 Report Share Posted June 18, 2003 Interesting... But isn't it redundant to call something a poem and say that you made it up as you went along? A good poem, though the rhythm could use a bit of work... perhaps it's just me (and feel free to ignore me or shoot me down here if that's the case) but the pace of this seems too hurried... It's in the third lines that it always seems to get me. Not sure why. For the lines to work for me they wound up coming out as "and try to drown", "[i}'cause[/i] you can't die" (or "you cannot die"), "is falling down" (or "you're falling down"). That sort of thing. Perhaps I'm just being overly critical. My apologies if that's it. *Hugs* My penny's worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damon Inferel Posted June 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2003 I take no offense by your words, Miss Alaeha, but I suppose I should explain myself. As you said, the poem does sound a bit hurried, as it actually is. One might say that it is meant to be read fast, but with sort of a 'skipping' tone, if you will. You know like... skipping? Anyhow... I suppose I should say that this poem was using a specifics syllable pattern of 3-4-3-2, which is why my word choice may seem a little awkward. Though when i said 'Hell is to strangle', I neglected to remember that strangle already has two syllables. I'll change that. I am guessing that towards the end, when I say, 'stange angle' puts sort of a contemplative twist on the whole thing. Er... at least, if I read it with an ellipse at the end of that line, it might seem a little more thoughtful. And, as a last note, I would think that a poem is always written as you go along. I honestly hope that did not sound insulting, I did not mean it to be. I just believe that anything that is written as you go along... just, this one was a tad more spontaneus. A case of a forgotten muses I suppose, and I tried to bring them back. Thank you for your critique though. Meow! >< "Get your burger's worth." ~Ancient Burger King slogan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts