whynotsin Posted March 17, 2003 Report Share Posted March 17, 2003 (edited) Reflection on a topic. Stare at the stars, You might find home. Lost child of the heavens. Of the stars, Look closer and you might find, The home you left long ago. When the stars fall through the mist, Tears form in your eyes. As you watch them die. You can only think back to a time when you lived among the stars, You dream about the time you were a God. Before you lost your way and were caste out like trash. He knows it was his fault. He is now the mortal bound to earth. Awaiting the day of his end, All the while watching his brethren in the night. The light they cast from far of places Dance on edges of forever black holes. You think to yourself a black hole would have suited you better. To be trapped in the eternity of a moment, At the edge of oblivion. The pain of self your only reminder of life. Now you’re just a mortal bound to the earth. Punishment for your un atoned sins An empty shell, Of a God. Edited March 18, 2003 by whynotsin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Silverblade Posted March 17, 2003 Report Share Posted March 17, 2003 (edited) Hmm, this is a very interesting topic/poem whynotsin. At first it feels very sad, and I feel badly for the Lost child of the heavens. But then as the speaker continues, and he compares mortality to worse than a black hole, I become agitated towards him (not the child of the heavens, but the speaker, possibly the one that banished him?). Before it sounded as if the speaker was sad for him, but the poem offers a scary insight to mortality. Very thought provoking, and and has a good celestial (is that the right word?) feeling which I like. If I could offer one suggestion - in the 3rd/4th verses you change the from "you" to "he" which caught me off guard a bit. I would move the last line of the 3rd verse to the beggining of the 4th verse, to help seperate the change and make it less confusing, or just change it all back to "you". Just a thought, if you don't like the idea then ignore it. Thanks for sharing though, I enjoyed it. - Justin Edited March 17, 2003 by Justin Silverblade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whynotsin Posted March 18, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2003 You can only think back to a time when you lived among the stars, You dream about the time you were a God. Before you lost your way and were caste out like trash. He knows it was his fault. He is now the mortal bound to earth. Awaiting the day of his end, All the while watching his brethren in the night. The light they cast from far of places Dance on edges of forever black holes. You think to yourself a black hole would have suited you better. To be trapped in the eternity of a moment, At the edge of oblivion. The pain of self your only reminder of life. Now you’re just a mortal bound to the earth. Punishment for your un atoned sins An empty shell, Of a God. Changed to: You can only think back to a time when you lived among the heavens, You dream about the time you were a God. Before you lost your way and were caste out like trash. He knows it was his fault. Now the mortal bound to earth. Awaiting the day of his end, All the while watching his brethren in the night. The light they cast from far of places Dance on edges of forever black holes. He thinks to himself a black hole would have suited him better. To be trapped in the eternity of a moment, At the edge of oblivion. The pain of self, his only reminder of life. Now you’re just a mortal bound to the earth. Punishment for your un atoned sins An empty shell, Of a God. I know this kind of edit belongs in the writers workshop but. I wanted everyone to be able to see how the poem changed after reworkinf it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted April 9, 2003 Report Share Posted April 9, 2003 The revision is wonderful. The subject is refreshing because it is different and the references are carried out well. I think Justin pretty much hit it on the head otherwise. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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