WW/w00h/Judicator

[The Portrait of Zool]

Great intro to your story Judicator.

 

You might call it 'Son of the King' or some such, to convey the central struggle of the story, which is to come out of that label and into Kingship in his own right. Or did you have a more complex theme in mind?

 

I think you have done a lot right here. The main character is well handled, showing his private misgivings and insecurities with his realization that so much depends on his presenting the right image. He is well portrayed as a person caught between worlds, though he knows his responsibilities are clear.

 

Vishn (great name!) is very intrigueing, of course, well set to be a central character to our protagaonists difficulties, one way or another.

 

First person would not have been my first choice for this, but that is a matter of personal choice. I think for dramatisation third person often works better for the simple fact that SHOWING comes more readily to that structure, though I think you do a good job with it. Many questions, personal to Javo, are also the questions on the reader's mind, so POV is never violated.

 

My only criticism is the old saw 'Show, don't tell'. Rather than saying 'The ceremony was nice' or 'Vishn isn't your ordinary person', you should simply SHOW it. There is enough descriptive detail to omit those observations and still engage the reader meaningfully. Again though, in first person, throwing in the some personal observations of Javo are fine, though used judgementally too often it can become a distraction.

 

As the heir his thoughts will gravitate to grappling with the troubles in his new reign. Idle thoughts are less and less likely to pop up. As the action unfolds, he too will see what is shown, and act accordingly.

[Judicator]

Thanks for the input Zool

 

Yea, I've been thinking of themes to input. I don't want to get too shakespearian(sp?), but I'm debatting father/son conflict mixed with self-esteem issue about living up to his father's(and for that matter the people's) expectations. I don't want to give too much away, but I think this might become more evident in later chapters(which I'll post in due time..sorta;))

 

Vishn will be a pivotal character, though I haven't quite decided on what to do with him exactly...

 

First person is actually a stretch for me. I personally like third person omnicient, but I wanted to try this in a first person to get a more "walking in the shoes for a mile" type of feeling. I think later on it gets more interesting, but as always, thinks are subjective to change.

 

You're criticism about the show, don't tell situation I like a lot. I can see it after reading the story over again, and will probably take out some, but I like having a few to add a insight to the main character.

 

As for idle thoughts, I think you'll be surprised what I do, you'll just have to wait and see

[Gyrfalcon]

So far, a good piece of writing. Unlike Zool, I don't mind the characterizations that much, though his advice is good. A bit of suspense at the end, which is a good way to leave it. Now for some random comments:

 

You know, for having his father dying three days ago, Javo doesn't seem very broken up... maybe they weren't all that close, but you'd think he'd be a bit more in shock, or would have to have someone make him snap out of it.

 

You might want to explain why, if Javo suspects that Vishn had something to do with his father's death, why he trusts the man.

 

An excellent start- I look forward to more.