Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Orlan Elder of Bards Posts: 92 (3/21/02 6:07:04 pm) Reply Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ooooooooooo I read it. Well as much as there is. Now for some Criticism! Yes yes yes it was good, I'm not denying that. I like the overall story so far, but I'm not going to focus on that cause you all should know that already. Anywho... Wyv - You're a GM You're doing a good GM job but a slightly poor overworld feel. You're trying to mesh too many "worlds" into one storyline. You have a mix of AM/Tolkienism/Mythology/Theology/Societal constructs...etc. It's kinda overwhelming and in times, a little too undbelieveable. You also seem to push a little fast. An old friend of mine said "The overall story is your bread, but if you only have turkey in it, it's a dull sandwich. Add in random encounters with tomatoes, onions, lettuce, some dressing, mayo, mustard and other things. then you got a club." ....come to think of it, my friend ate alot too. We also already had the talk about the Evil Villan Overlord thing Gry - Your character is too omnipotent sometimes, and then other times he seems as if he was made not-so-omnipotent for the express purpose of "putting him self down to other's levels". It's the old "God Mode" ideal that pretty much everyone slips into. You seem to have picked a character too strong for the campaign (speaking in role-playing terms) and it's kinda hard to sympathize with you, even with your people in mind. Z - Uber powerful is fine, but you're "Hold behind the rage" is cliche, and it's slightly flimsy. You make a good all around character though, I say that, but he's just a bit...I dunno, done over and over. Just a bit flat, but that could probably be attested to the emotions thingy. Yui - The one problem I've had with your characters is that they all seem from the same sheet of black construction paper. While they're different in appearance and names and maybe some specific personality, they're amounted to the same sort of "nightness" is the only way I could put it into words. When you find something good it's nice to stick with it, but it gets bland if it's overused. (On a nide note, play Breath of Fire 3...Momo with wings is my idea of Kal). I also have some issues with Avians being swept away by a tsunami...but it can be interperated as a storm, not just a wave. Ozy - Ozy your first post was gold. I liked it, but from there Tim went kinda downhill. You made him really thin in personality, and he has flimsy motivations that confuse and just are kinda dumb at times I know you well enough that you could have thought of a better reason to join Gyr and Z His personality seems more Bardish then Monk-ish (you thought I was going to say Monk-ey didn't you! HAHA! ) Gwai - I have craploads of X-Men comic books. I use to collect them when I was young. One thing about the X-Men Comic was that they overexplained EVERYTHING since with just pictures you couldn't show all the imagrey you wanted. Myth seems like that. If she's supposed to be evil and in the shadows and such, she needs to shut up more Talk more with your descriptions and less with her speech. Have her think to herslef alot if you need it Although I am in love with random slaughter...hmm.... Now before you all go off on a bend, these are personal opinions and without reading the OOC thread (mainly from time restraints, also because it kills the story). My constructive Crit. is always ment to stir emotions rather then gently show others so it's usually blunt. I liked alot of the story, don't get me wrong, but a thread praising and praising and praising is not my style....or it is, just not today... BWAHAHAHAH!!! I'm Chaotic!!! No I'm not! You shut Up! Okay I'm done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 308 (3/21/02 10:38:53 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for the criticism, O rlan (consider the time I write these posts at and cut a little slack. *grin*) ... to be frank, I'm sort of bobbing up and down and up and down... yeah, this is sort of a half-way point for my character. He's very powerful, but he can't cut loose because that'll alert every Archmage within a few thousand miles. So I'll do my best to keep myself weaker in a plausible fashion. (For example, being too tired/busy/stressed whatever to study his spellbook, which means no spells, which means just his fighting skills) I'll try to remember your words... thank you for them. =) Edited by: Gyrfalcon25 at: 3/22/02 10:03:48 pm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 547 (3/21/02 10:51:54 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Indeed, thanks very much for the comments *Orlan* (polite shoulder nudge to Gyrfalcon and a clearing of the throat ). I always enjoy reading over constructive criticism more then simple praises, and will also take your words into account. Also, thanks for just taking the time to read the whole thread up till now... I know it's quite long... [image]http://members.shaw.ca/kea/am/wyvy.jpg[/image] ------------------------------ Almost a Dragon... "My life is one big crime, I try to scheme through it." -Common, "The 6th Sense" Owner of the Decanter of Endless Booze. Edited by: Wyvern00 at: 3/21/02 10:52:36 pm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 485 (3/22/02 1:30:59 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ozymandias bows to the resident funkmaster of prose. The bardish personality was intentional, actually. After all, are any two monks exactly alike? ;>) Overall, my time to work on my replies sucks, but I *try* not to let that get in the way. I will see what I can come up with, Sensei. Thanks. But as long as we're on the criticism bent- Where's the rest of the Archamge Epic?! Hmmmm??? Edited by: Ozymandias the Elder at: 3/22/02 1:51:12 pm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Orlan Elder of Bards Posts: 94 (3/22/02 3:08:37 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lol...ahh whoopsie doodle....uhm... Would you believe it's still in my noggin I forgot my good ending, but I have the rushed ending still up here...I'll probably spit it out one of these days Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 491 (3/22/02 4:43:14 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just don't go all Robert Jordan on us, okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 153 (3/22/02 6:17:53 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you are so right about Myth too! I'll have to work on that. (tks!) ---------- I want to be page 93 of Pineapples, the Avian Crows-Nyyark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 492 (3/22/02 7:20:02 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I tweaked I think every post I did (save the first), and am now much more satisfied. What does the assembled say? Flowing better? Btw Gyr, you may want to change your name to "Gyrfalcon" three paragraphs down in your (1/27/02 1:55:34 am) post on page five and in your (2/21/02 11:29:37 pm) post too (also page five), last paragraph. Edited by: Ozymandias the Elder at: 3/22/02 7:25:37 pm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Gyrfalcon25 Bard Posts: 310 (3/22/02 10:07:56 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks (double-checks) Ozy- did so. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 498 (3/22/02 10:17:02 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No prob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Balladore Quill-Bearer Posts: 67 (3/25/02 2:28:34 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is EXTREMELY proud of himself I FINISHED READING THE GAZE OF ETERNITY!!! Balladore laughs evilly Since you made me read it, Gyrfalcon, I get to critique it as well!!! Another evil laguh breaks through the room Oh. Balladore clears his throat Here's what I thought: While staying on the direct story, there are so many twists and turns to this that I never know what's coming, and so it makes for an exciting read! The characters are well defined, and everyone writes extremely well. I, being the unoriginal Druid that I am, will copy Orlan's format and write individual notes to each character as well :-) Gyrfalcon- You're a true knight in shining armor (even if you are a half-elf). You portray (to me, anyway) chivalry that is un-rivaled within the group, and always have a sense of honor. Your character is well-developed, and only tends to slide into godmode rarely (look who's talking!) Yui/Kaleyra- The innocence your character exudes is remarkable. The scholarly Avian is a great addition to the group, bringing wisdom amongst Virtue and History. Ozymandius/Timothy- The historian... in a cynical type of way, Timothy is the perfect picture of a bard. Although a bit twisted, Timothy haze a good heart, and I can tell that he is an priceless addition to the group... If I were one to predict, I would guess at a change of heart, but I'm a Druid, my scrying mirrors are always terrible anyway. Myth- The lone theif... I was thrown off when Myth let Y'Tren live and even offered to share the profits with him... after everything she said about being a loner, and then offering Y'Tren a place at her side? Your character definately is a blend-into-the-shadows type, and I can never predict what's coming next. I definately enjoy your character, and hope you continue to write. Zadown/Dreamer- Your character is definately the most mysterious of the bunch. I don't exactly even know how to describe him, except for his always-changing eye color. Although he is a mage, he still hefts a mighty battle-sword, and is extremely powerful (I think). The Dreamer definately seems to be the strong-and-silent type, and I enjoy your character immensely. I'm sorry if I ragged on anyone excessively, but remember this is how I interpret the (ENTIRE!!!) story, and merely my opinion. Thank you all for the wonderful entertainment, and keep up the good work! Edited by: Balladore at: 4/15/02 6:59:24 pm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 504 (3/26/02 8:46:06 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "priceless addition"? Aw, now I'm gonna go and get all egotistical. :>) Seriously, thank you B! I'm pleased to entertain and tickled you like Tim so much. He *achem* needed a little revising, but I'm happy with him now, and if you're any indication... As for your own writing ('cause I know you'll be reading this)- Curse my body's need for sleep! Curse it, curse it through the seven circles and out the other side!! I HAVE TOO MUCH READING TO DO, AND BY THUNDER, I WANT MORE!!! Stop me, before I read again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Ozymandias the Elder The Founder Posts: 597 (4/15/02 5:13:11 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anybody else who would, please speak out! Orlan helped me set straight a good number of problems I hadn't been able to focus on until he made them an immediate concern, but I'm still not certain my writing flows well (especially amongst other people's in the same story!). Anyone loves praise (thank you again Balladore!) but is there any criticism? Anything at all? If not, I will have no complaints about that, but the inquiring mind wants to know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 193 (4/16/02 1:22:22 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Btw, Balladore, yes, I meant that to be odd, a bit out of character.) ---------- I want to be page 93 of Pineapples, the Avian Crows-Nyyark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 Balladore Quill-Bearer Posts: 82 (4/16/02 7:13:45 pm) Reply Re: Gaze of Eternity. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Ah, thanks... that really threw me :-) ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted June 20, 2003 Report Share Posted June 20, 2003 I done caught up on it again, ayuk! Well done, it's getting good, and we all like good. Wyv - Good plot Wyvie, good plot. And WONDERFULLY integratted with the random encounter on the ship. Nothing says random encounter like an ADD Serpent distracted by shinies and fly-ies. Sometimes I think you could give a little more description of the world since it's your world, but you've gotten good at your GMing. Gyr & Yui - Gyr much better on the de-uber-fying. Gyrfalcon is now more believeable to be on thie journey. In the begining it was a little hard to really understand it. You slip into the "a little pathetic excuse" every once and a while on why something won't happen, but it's still integrated well. The reason I tossed Yui in here as well was for my one main complaint. Tim. I loved Ozy's character of Tim and I know that Ozy had to take a break so you two just wrote him in, but whenever you wrote him in you always made him the ass, or the jerk or the idiot or the pig.....or something like that. Rarely did you show him in a good light. Tim was not THAT fleshed out as a character in the begining but he was still done well enough were you could have added a little more to it. I think it's funny too that you two wrote the only human like that (at the time you were writing him he was "normal human"). It seems almost racist....not in the negative connotation...more like in the Gyr's a Half-Elf and Yui's an Avian....they both have special powers and abilities....but then there's the regular old human.....nothing too special, and you wrote him as if he was just some jerk. It's a interesting read if you look at it that way. Not bad...just interesting. And as for Yui, not bad, she still seems a little 1D for me, and that scene after they meet Elena where she goes logical seems a little out of place, but she's getting more believable as the story goes on. Gwai - Sweet merciful crap there was improvement in Myth from the old board to this board.....did you eat your Writing Wheaties Nah I kid, but I know you've fleshed out Myth in YOUR mind, and you've gotten better at fleshing her out in ours as well. My only suggestion would be to be more formal in writing. Her slang talking and whatnot is good, but actual actions I'd go for a more structured approach....but that's just me. Ozy - Woohoo, you're insane! And you're Spike! I'm interested more in Tim again! And really you haven't written enough for me to crtique yet Orlan - A wonderful job reading this whole thing, I know you have all sorts of work to do and what not, but you still give wonderful feedback and you're a credit to your entire species....which according to Annael is Male so that's a plus. And also, you're damn good looking. Yay, okay, now I go bed, keep up good work, make story go now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted June 20, 2003 Report Share Posted June 20, 2003 Heh, thanks for the critique, Orlan. As for Yui-chan's and my treatment of Timothy... well, when Ozymandias had to depart suddenly, we were left with a character we wanted to keep in the story for Ozy's return... but not a lot of knowledge about Timothy, his motivations, and his real thoughts and feelings. All we had was the impression of a rough and/or abrasive individual, and we weren't sure if it was a pose or how he really was. Not apologizing, but it does explain why he comes off as an ass a lot... and yes, he is a poor unfortuant human, lacking elven grace or beautiful feathers, so I suppose he should feel slighted... (And yes, I am joking! ) Anyway, something I'd like to do (though how we'd do it in comittee is anyone's guess...) is go back through the story after we're done, read it, look for plot and character incosistences and resolve them. I'm sure that looking back, I could do a better job on the early Gyrfalcon parts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted June 20, 2003 Report Share Posted June 20, 2003 I guess that writing her for a hundred pages has taught me what I'm trying to do . Thanks for the reminder to keep the narrator seperate from Myth. I focus so much on letting her write in the slang that I don't usually write in that I forget to keep the narrator out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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