jonadine Posted September 13, 2010 Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 (edited) I dreamed you tall and whole strong, straight and well, with a practiced patter sharp as a cutting remark. You would think it was funny, too that you were gay in my dream, completely, limp-wristedly a flamingo in style. You wore a silver jumpsuit, and had a bowl haircut, (What were you thinking?) and grinned like a shark. What does it mean that I dreamed you a future you never had and it was FABulous? Did I dream you an afterlife? A beauty school dropout, angelic frankie avalon heaven? I don't think it means I forgive you But I'm sure it means I still love you. Edited December 2, 2010 by Jomeansme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonadine Posted September 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2010 And I kind of hope the pearlygate smile and gossip benediction awaits all of us. *I wrote these two lines to complete the final stanza. I think it gives it a better balance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quincunx Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 In addition to, or in place of? The new lines return to the florid style and the implications instead of saying things outright, and the last two lines of the original draft are a little too bald and forthright to fit. Have to sidle up to the admission sideways, usually, if your tongue is doing circumlocutions like the first few stanzas, otherwise the speaker is dropping the verbal bomb on himself instead of someone else. People don't often bomb their home territory--knowingly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonadine Posted December 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2010 (edited) What does it mean? That I dreamed you tall and whole. Strong, straight and well, with a practiced patter: sharp as a cutting remark. You would think it was funny, too, that you were gay in my dream. Completely, limp-wristedly, a flamingo in style, violently fashionable. You wore a silver jumpsuit, like a mirrored disco ball, and had a bowl haircut, (What were you thinking?) and grinned like a shark. What does it mean? That I dreamed you a future you never had and it was FABulous. Did I dream you an afterlife? A beauty school dropout, angelic frankie avalon heaven? Maybe it means I forgive you, But I'm sure it means I still love you, funny little brother, And I kind of hope the pearlygate smile and gossip benediction await all of us. Edited January 1, 2013 by Jomeansme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonadine Posted January 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) Done. At least until the next time I go on an editing rampage. Edited January 1, 2013 by Jomeansme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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