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"Welcome to the Elysia Spaceport Complaints Department. You are speaking with Charity. How may I assist you with your grievance?"


"Well, I just arrived on planet and went through the decontamination process. You see..."


"Ahh, the Nanobotic Biological Filtration Cycle, the first line of defence the good people of Elysia have against the unwanted bugs, diseases, parasites and other nasties that the Galaxy seems to be generating on a daily basis?"


"Yes, that's the one. Well, it's just..."


"It truly is a wonder, is it not? All those tiny little robots, flowing through you, finding all the little hitchhikers that have latched onto you over the years and purging them from your system. You feel like a new person afterward, don't you?"


"Well that's just the thing..."


"Did you know that every Elysian goes through the process several times over their lives? Some even undergo nanobotic therapy on an annual basis."


"Well no I didn't, but if I could..."


"It's marvelous technology that has only improved the lives of the Elysian people and allowed our planet to remain at the forefront of the Galactic tourism industry because of it. Our planet is a paradise, thanks to those wonderful machines."


"Which it said in the brochure, but I..."


"Did you know that over thirty thousand new microorganisms are picked up by our scanners every year? Mostly mutations, but some entirely new life forms have managed to hop on board the many transports and make their way to our planet. We would be overrun and infested if..."


"LOOK! I went into that machine as a sixty seven year old and walked out a twenty one year old. The technicians were all daft as posts, I want to know what happened and what you're going to do about it!"


"Well Sir, if you had read the Tourism Arrangement Contract which Galactic law requires you to sign before setting foot off-planet, you would have noticed a clause under section 354, subsection CZ, second paragraph, stating that the NBFC does have side effects, most beneficial. One of these is the detection and correction genetic abnormalities. In advanced cases, this results in the resetting and reconfiguration of the subject, you in this case, who is then returned to a previously genetically-stable state. In your case, you must have picked up some sort of gene virus at twenty one and the machines corrected accordingly. This was all made quite clear to you in the contract."


"So put me through again and age me back to sixty seven!"


"I'm afraid that's quite impossible, Sir. Planetary charter states that all medical knowledge shall be used for the preservation and extension of Human life and that none of our superior technology ever be used to end a life that cannot otherwise be saved. Frankly, Sir, I'm horrified that you would even suggest such a thing."


"But what am I supposed to do when I go home? My wife is now three times my age!"


"Well Sir, Elysia Tours do encourage all potential guests to Elysia to take full advantage of our romantic couples getaways. As most genetic viruses are sexually transmitted, you and your wife would have had the same experience while undergoing the NBFC. If you had been a better husband and not cheaped out, you and your beautiful wife would have been able to re-enjoy your youth at one of our many romantic destinations."




"And as you did sign the TAC, you did agree that Elysia Spaceport, Elysia Tours and all related subsidiaries would not be liable for any effects that could not be considered beneficial under Elysian law, if you do wish to further pursue this matter, I will be obligated to notify Elysian Legal, who will immediately start proceedings against you in the courts for Intent to Breach Contract."




"And as that will be all, on behalf of Elysia Spaceport, I thank you for using our complaints department and wish you the very best of stays on Elysia."



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