Hjolnai Posted October 11, 2009 Report Share Posted October 11, 2009 (edited) Life and death, blood and pain come and fill the well again. Town walls break, buildings burn, why is it that life you spurn? Many thousands full of life, many graves come from this strife. Finally the war is done. So much loss for everyone. Tomorrow you will come to see now that you've defeated me, Anger now lies in my heart and war again begins to start. On and on the years go by, yet more ways for all to die. Conquest comes through yet again, rebellion stirs in the hearts of men. Once you're dead it will not end, for many more have you frightened. The fear then kindles a bright spark a spark of war, another dark. Another rises, conquers more, covers all the fields with gore. Life and death bring blood and pain, the cycle rolls back on again. I know the rhyme of end and frightened is a bit strained, but I'm not sure what would fit better. As for the rest... I think it gets the point across, although it could use work. Edited October 12, 2009 by Hjolnai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Death of Rats Posted October 12, 2009 Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 Actually, except for "Spanish flu" interrupting the flow of the emotion and imagery this speaks of and stirs (seriously, get it out of there!), I like this a lot as it is. Very, very evocative of a folk song you might hear in a feudal land somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hjolnai Posted October 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) Thanks for your feedback, and I see what you mean with the Spanish flu. I'll see what I can come up with to replace it. Here's one possibility... Once you're dead it will not end, for many more have you frightened. The fear then kindles a bright spark a spark of war, another dark. Another rises, conquers more, covers all the fields with gore. Life and death bring blood and pain, the cycle rolls back on again. Edited October 12, 2009 by Hjolnai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Death of Rats Posted October 12, 2009 Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 (edited) Ooh, go with it! That's not just better wording, it's clearer too. Edited October 12, 2009 by The Death of Rats Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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