Enraptured Prisoner

[Celtois]

[b]Enraptured Prisoner[/b]

		 Heart flutter,

		 heart shudder

	  heart makes a sound

	  whenever your around.

 

   It jumps, it leaps, it somersaults,

	 it wants to show it is devout.

   But it knows fear and thus it hides

				  inside.

 

		Lips tremble cheeks flush.

	 Dare I say that I turn to mush?

  It wants to come out you know it's true

	 but I can't seem to say, I love you.

 

 

Comments things to improve on.. random and unprovoked hostility?

 

on a side note this is probably one of my rare cheerful poems. I tend to avoid writing love poems in general.

Edited June 16, 2009 by Celtois

[Wyvern]

Cool poem, Celtios. :-) What's interesting is that it didn't strike me as a particularly cheerful piece due to the ending, where all of the narrator's love is still hidden inside for him to struggle with. Still, the way that the narrator's heart reacts to seeing his love is certainly upbeat and happy, and just experiencing happiness by being around someone you love is an easy thing to relate to. In terms of possible things to improve, I felt that the bit about turning "to mush" in the last stanza was a bit more sentimental and Hallmark-y than the rest of the poem, and thought that it felt like a bit of a forced support of the rhyme scheme. Perhaps you could change that line and base it around a different rhyme like "rush" or "crush" to make it feel more in line with the other stanzas? Or you could re-format that stanza to touch more upon the longing present in it... Just a few possible options that come to mind.

 

Thanks for sharing this here, Celios. :-) Welcome to the Pen! *Offers a sampler of Almost Dragonic Brand Booze-Flavored Mega Mush™ for only 5 geld a piece*

[Celtois]

I agree with your analysis of the line turned to mush. In the original rendition of the poem it was dare I say that I blush. However I felt that was covered by the line previous and so it was changed. However both crush and rush could be used to great effect, I must ponder what would sound better.

Not all that cheerful, but more cheerful then most.

 

Reformat it to emphasize longing.. that might fit the rest of the poem better, hmm what would that look like.

 

Thanks for the warm welcome, I hope my stay here is a long one. Roots around in pocket for geld no luck I don't have any maybe later.

[baxter85]

Very good flow. It is easy to read and comprehend and I like the interesting choice of words you use such as "mush" and "shudder." Personally I am a stickler on rhyms, and you start off with a beautiful rhym "flutter" and "shudder," but towards the end the rhyms seem to be too easy like "true" and "you." I also like the flow in the second stanza, but the third line seemed to hit a speed bump when I read "But it knows fear" and then the flow continued.

 

These are just minor changes though. Good job.