The Almost Report Sculpts Itself a Deeper Hole

[Wyvern]

The lead camera lens fades into a visual of a large white canvas and an adjacent sculpting table, which holds all types of medieval pottery tools and brushes stacked together in an uneven pile. Behind the table and further to the center of the room is a circular platform with a single wooden stool at its center, and beyond that is a shut door painted in a splattered pattern of vibrant colors. One gets the sense that the room is much wider than the image displays, but the news camera doesn’t budge from its position, opting for a single shot of the art space in a rather odd choice of visuals.

 

“Greetingssss, and welcome to the latest Almost Report.” Wyvern’s voice echoes in the background, somewhere off of the screen. “*Ahem* GREETINGSSS, and welcome to the Almost Report.”

 

A moment of silence passes before a string of almost dragonic curses rings out in the background. The foul language grows louder and louder in sync with the sound of footsteps approaching the camera until Wyvern finally moves into the lens’s line of sight, gritting his teeth at the lack of news camera crew and pacing back and forth. A brown “I <3 Almost Interns” smock is tied around the front of the lizard’s chest, giving the scales on his back air to breath, while his tail swings from a hole cut into some baggy paint-stained trousers. Wyvern seethes for a moment, then clenches his claws and faces the camera, striking as un-aggravated a grin as he can muster.

 

“Greetingsss, it’s Almost Report time. Apologiesss for the limited ssscope of the visuals today, seems we’re a little short-ssstaffed.” Wyvern raises a claw to his horns and lets out a nervous laugh, then clears his throat and continues. “Hopefully Ssspinky and the gang will decide to drop in later, though their pay this week will be reduced regardless. Anyway, we’re - well I’m - reporting to you live from Alzorath’s art ssstudio to celebrate the pennite’s recent birthday. In honor of the occasion, we’ll be demonssstrating some live art… just as soon as our resident model arrives.”

 

Wyvern sets an Almost Dragonic Brand Chimera Bone Chisel™ with a birthday ribbon wrapped around it on the sculpting table, then takes a seat and proceeds to start drooling over the thought of his favorite cheerline seated on the stool at the center of the platform. He stares up at the ceiling and lets out an excited hiss as he contemplates what she’ll drop for the role, aside from her pompoms.

 

“*sigh* In current Pen newsss, pennites should be sure to check out the Summer Pen buffet currently available in the Conservatory for some good eats… it’sss on my list of things to raid, anyway.” Wyvern grabs a glob of clay and begins sifting it between his claws as he speaks, accidentally slicing it into miniature scraps. “There’sss also a planning booth for the buffet available in the Greenroom, which is also potentially raid-able depending on whether or not they stock any deserts.”

 

Wyvern goes cross-eyed and grumbles for a moment as he fumbles with the numerous slices of clay in his claws, then sets them down on the sculpting table and snatches an orcish marital rolling pin from the tool pile. The overgrown lizard smashes the clay slices down into a larger more moldable form with the pin, then begins carving out some sleek figure measurements in preparation for the upcoming modeling session.

 

“I’d also like to take thisss opportunity to welcome Degorram to the Almossst Report as CheerMynx’s official seeing eye minion!” Wyvern licks his lips as he rolls two large balls of claw with his scaly palms, placing them on the front of the figure outline and dispelling any notions of pompoms in the process. “Here’s hoping she’ll enjoy adapting herself to the sorts of interesting situationsss that tend to arise on the Report.”

 

As if on cue, the handle of the painted door behind the modeling stage slowly begins to turn, immediately causing Wyvern to sit upright and stare onward with hopeful beady eyes. The reptilian reporter cranes his neck forward as the door slowly creaks open, crushing the clay in his claws and making confetti out of it as his excitement goes into overdrive. But even with all of his anticipation, nothing can prepare the lizard for the sight before his eyes…

 

“Dis is da modelin' gig, right?”

 

Wyvern goes green and falls over in his chair as the fat male goblin model at the center of the stage begins taking off his shirt, revealing his flabby wart-covered chest...

[CheerMynx]

Degorram sat waiting in the dressing room, per the instructions on the note she'd found waiting for her that morning. Biting her lip slightly, she looked warily around the room - decorated in every shade of pink imaginable - and wondered what her first assignment would entail for her.

The door opened quietly, startling Degorram from her thoughts as she looked up to see Mynx enter the room.

"Ah good, you're here," the feline smiled. "I can get the spell taken care of then leave you in the...er...semi capable paws of my counterpart."

"Um, right," Degorram stood up hesitantly. "Do you, um, know what CheerMynx wants me to shift into yet?"

Mynx chuckled softly and shook her head. "I stopped wanting to know what went through her head a loooooooooong time ago."

Placing a paw gently on Degorram's shoulder, Mynx turned her so her back was to the feline. "Hopefully this will cut down on the confusion if you two are at least facing the same direction," she explained. "Ready?"

Taking a breath, Degorram nodded.

Feeling like something was tickling the back of her mind, Degorram scrunched up her nose until the feeling faded, only to hear a giggle behind her.

"Yay, it like totally worked!" CheerMynx bounced happily. Degorram smiled but didn't move.

"Um, CheerMynx? What..."

"Okay okay, just turn around slowly and look at me, okay? Then you can see what I'm wearing and I can check everything's in place then we can totally get you into a suitable form!"

Turning slowly, Degorram supposed she shouldn't have been surprised to see CheerMynx in an eyebleedingly bright pink cheerleader's outfit which looked like it was sized for a doll. The cheerline grinned hugely, before producing a matching pink (and fluffy) purse, and a pink dog's collar with miniature pompoms sewn on.

"So, I was thinking of doing a little Paris Hilton tribute..." CheerMynx giggled.

Degorram cringed, but at the same time laughed quietly to herself.

You should have known what you were getting into, she told herself, before she murmured her agreement to CheerMynx and began to Shift...

 

~~~

 

The goblin had stripped down to his underwear when Wyvern heard a familiar giggle approaching the room. With an exuberant cry, CheerMynx burst into the room, Degorram now a small dog sitting securely in the purse slung on the cheerline's shoulder.

"Like, we're back and TOTALLY hot right now!" CheerMynx giggled, before she and Degorram both blinked and stared at where Wyvern sat before an almost naked goblin.

"Like....what?"

"Ch-CheerMynx! Dego! I...I can explain!" Wyvern stammered, before he stopped and tried to think exactly how he could explain such a situation...

[Degorram]

Degorram's jaw dropped and her already little-lapdog-buggy eyes bugged out even further. With a yelp she ducked her head down into the purse, the tips of her huge ears sticking out above the pink fur-lined top.

 

"Jussst gimme a minute Cheer! Thissss isssn't what it lookssss like!!!" Wyvern cried.

 

"Like, I can't imagine what you're doing..." Cheer said, sounding uncertain and a lot less cheerful. "I hope the explanation is at least entertaining."

 

"Forget the explanation!" Degorram shrieked as she sprang from the purse, swiftly elongating into her original form. "My virgin eyes are suffering!" She brandished her arm and a dark cloud of smoke blanketed itself over the goblin's body. The creature blinked and looked at itself.

 

"There!" Degorram said, still shaking like the tiny dog she had just been and taking deep breaths. "Can we please move on??" Without another word she shrank back into the shape of a chihuahua. She wagged her tail and barked.

 

"Ohhhhhh, you're, like, so cuuuute that way Dego!!' Cheer squealed as she picked the dog up and cuddled it close. Dego bared her teeth in a slightly macabre grin and fixed her eyes on Wyvern in what she hoped was a warning.

 

I will NOT be saving your almost dragonic butt again, will I Wyvy DEAR?

[Wyvern]

Wyvern rasps out a nervous laugh as the color slowly begins to come back to his scales, raising a claw to one of his horns and turning towards CheerMynx and Degorram with a slightly revitalized look. He reaches out with a claw to pat the chihuahua Dego on the head for her good deed, only to stop mere inches away from the bulge of CheerMynx's cheerleader top as he realizes how the pat might be misinterpreted. The overgrown lizard gulps to himself and quickly retracts his claw, clearing his throat as Degorram's smoke screen continues billowing in the background.

 

"A-a-annnyways, great to see you and yer minion all sssynced up now CheerMynxie. It... well, it definitely showsss." Wyvern blushes a bit and glances away from the measurements of the Almost Intern's cheerleader skirt, then strikes a toothy grin. "Well, shall we go? There'sss minimal clean-up cus Ssspinky and co. are absent, in fact we can prob'ly just leave everything here. Y'know, so we can get out of here. Like now, preferably."

 

Wyvern gestures and begins wandering out of Alzorath's quarters, trying to get out of the room before there's any risk of the smoke screen dissipating. He freezes as CheerMynx ceases fondling Degorram and tilts her head up.

 

"Wyyyyvie? Like, who was that other guy? You're not like, planning on hiring another intern or anything?"

 

"Oh, no no no no no. NO!" Wyvern twists his snout and shakes his head vigorously, scrambling back over to CheerMynx. "No, that guy was a, uhhh, a goblin plumber. Ya see, Alzorath needed a monkey wrench and a plunger for his new art project, so..."

 

"I ain't no plumber!" The voice of the goblin rumbles from behind Degorram's smoke screen, followed by the deafening sound of flatulence. The smoke is blown back by the goblin model's massive fart, revealing his bulging warted stomach and dirty loincloth once again. "Don't you goons ever read 'Warts Illustrated'? Dey gots a great swim soot issue dat I posed fer."

 

Wyvern gags and goes green again while CheerMynx is saved from the sight as Dego-chihuahua instinctively ducks into her purse. Wyvern sways dizzily and raises his claws to his snout, having seen the goblin one too many times for his lunch. He races over to the nearest open space to retch over the ordeal, not noticing CheerMynx's tail resting on the ground in front of him. The cheerline's eyes widen as she feels something warm and wet touching the tip of her tail. That combined with Dego-chihuahua peeking out of the bag and noticing Wyvern's mess is enough to send the Almost Intern into full fashion panic mode.

 

"EW EW EW EWW EWWWWWWWW!!!"

[Hjolnai]

Suddenly, there is a loud CRASH as a section of the ceiling falls in, along with several buckets filled with such rubbish as rat's brains and 3-century-old cabbage. This further adds to the confusion, as well as the general ill-health of the occupants of the room. A large blue head sticks in through the ceiling, and seems shocked at realizing that days of planning have resulted in the prank both a) striking the wrong people, and due to an error in calculations, affecting the wrong room. The blue-skinned creature falls through itself, where it is recognizable as a minor demon of no great evil, and even less luck. The clumsy creature then takes out a trident and inexpertly skewers a wall. Before it does any more damage, the creature vanishes, as it is summoned to do some master's bidding.