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A Mystery of Steel and Earth

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I am probably not the best person around to give feedback on stories, but I wanted to say that this one caught my attention (maybe because the nice observations on the nature of the metal trees were so intriguing that my researching mind also wants to find out what exactly they are, and what is their purpose!)


The only thing that made the reading a bit awkward for me was that it is all written in the present tense, so it feels to me like a D&D adventure, with you telling the DM all the actions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it might come from my own background as a once-D&D-player; it's just that I'm hardly used now to that kind of brisk pacing, and it actually makes me want to take part in the story as another fellow-player :)


Unless that is the effect you want, I could suggest expanding a bit more on description of background, on the character own's observations/feelings/thoughts (for example), so that it doesn't feel so much like a fast-paced one-to-one RP (I mean, player-to-DM roleplay). I feel that unless the story is rather short, it might end up being a bit tiresome to read exactly because of being focused almost solely on actions.


Though it would be a rather nice story to be roleplayed.... who knows, maybe you want to try something at the Conservatory Room?



I'm not very active at the forums myself, but please feel free to reply and discuss what I said. I might take some time to answer, not because of any disregard for your person but because I myself am quite busy, and sometimes it's hard to make time to be here. And I think that whatever you have to say, other people might jump in this thread to share their opinion too!


Oh, and welcome to the Pen, hope you like this community!



Note: created this thread to not disturb the flow of the story at the main Assembly room.

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In response to TheResearcher's feedback (I do not have permission to post in the Critic's Corner), I would first like to say that I'm grateful for the feedback (and the welcome), thank you.


I have considered TheResearcher's remarks, and I think I'll either edit the story to be in third person, or expand more on thoughts and feelings, as suggested. The story was not really intended to be an RP-based one, so those alternatives seem to fit in best with the way I want to go.


If anyone else has a comment, please feel free to post it. I'm always open to constructive criticism or any advice or comments, and praise where deserved is always pleasant.



Mod edit: moved from story thread on request by Hojnai.

To other who wishes to comment but cannot post here at CC, I suppose Hjolnai won't mind any feedback in the thread or by PM. :)


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