Silver WInd Posted March 7, 2008 Report Share Posted March 7, 2008 First Daughter Primordial first woman misjudged born of bone dust daughter of Earth she quakes in her own pure sensuality restrained and forced to live in innocent bliss while the folly would blindly follow pre-destined ways she speaks of truth desires more than the flesh of platitude tasting a world beyond her fingertips passion quickens her eyes are determined insensible men mistake for weakness born from their own fear they could not take the first step it was to her burning intellect a wise serpent would appeal heroine in disguise to liberate man born him in the world of knowledge hers was the guiding hand the only curse in their shame that they would remain quivering in ignorance had not woman awakened the soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 8, 2008 Report Share Posted March 8, 2008 Nice take on the garden myth. Short lines might be limiting you though. I do that sometime. Longer lines might help. Maybe. Good title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted March 9, 2008 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2008 Thank you, though I liked the use of short lines in this poem, it was done with intention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quincunx Posted March 27, 2008 Report Share Posted March 27, 2008 Well, yes, separating the lines meant that the repetition of synonyms could be disguised. There's a great poem in here but it's muffled by about three layers too many of repetition. I like moral lessons; I love forceful poems. I want to remove the mufflers which blunt the edges of the forceful poem. First, I'll install a temporary line break every time the topic changes, and no more: 1 Primordial first woman misjudged born of bone dust daughter of Earth 2 she quakes in her own pure sensuality restrained and forced to live in innocent bliss while the folly would blindly follow pre-destined ways 3 she speaks of truth desires more than the flesh of platitude tasting a world beyond her fingertips passion quickens her eyes are determined 4 insensible men mistake for weakness born from their own fear they could not take the first step 5 it was to her burning intellect a wise serpent would appeal 6 heroine in disguise to liberate man born him in the world of knowledge hers was the guiding hand 7 the only curse in their shame that they would remain quivering in ignorance had not woman awakened the soul. Look at the temporary lines 2, 5, and 7. They're complete sentences. They do not have excessive repetition; they're clean and can be left more or less intact; I would excise "blindly" from temporary line 2 and take a sharp look at reducing "innocent bliss" into one word with the same connotations ('innocence'?), but those are minor hiccups. Maybe this poem isn't as swaddled as I thought it was. Oh yes, first she is quaking in temporary line 2 and then the men are quivering in temporary line 7; was that intentional? Temporary lines 4 and 6 are slightly run-on sentences. Either one could be quick-fixed by chopping out the middle phrase, but it would be smoother and probably better to just rework a word or two to knit those dangling phrases into the sentence. Temporary line 4 has no object for the first sentence: insensible men mistake what for weakness etc.? Is there a word or two. . .missing? Temporary line 6 just needs "born him. . ." in a more grammatically precise form. Was he borne or reborn? Was she the midwife (as her "guiding hand" implies) or the mother? Temporary lines 1 and 3 are nothing more than a tumble of phrases, several attempts to define the idea from different angles (and stamp their importance into the reader's mind) but they clamor against each other and obscure the message. Out of temporary line 1, I delight in "primordial", but that word has a scientific aftertaste which is out of place with this theme. "First woman" is culturally neutral, or is it "first woman, misjudged" with a line break where the comma should have been (not culturally neutral in this culture with gender studies) or "first woman misjudged" with no break at all? "Born of bone dust" is biblical imagery; "daughter of Earth" is pagan imagery. All strong images, but dissonant; if you don't tie them together somehow or cut the most unharmonius ones, don't further divide them with line breaks. Temporary line 3 is such a tumble of generalizations that I can't pick out any strong image. You need to find the central image for that line and then prune without mercy. Once all that's done, the poem can probably reassume its original choppy line breaks without harm, more taut and forceful with the central moral bared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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