Guest Shamrock Fox Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) Through the mountains did he walk, and upon the wind, did the spirits talk. They spoke of a plea for saviour, A cry so loud and pure. It was this mountain god's eye, Who saw where they lie. It was this god's extended grace, That brought relief to their face. Though no longer in pain, The spirits spoke of the coming rain. They spoke of deception and lies They spoke of backs full of knives. Though these men saved, One of many storms they shall brave. As to seek redemption from the pain That their leaders have lain. Shamrock Fox A Little background about this poem: Earlier this week I was involved in a carwreck where seventeen of us were hurt. There were no serious injuries. This took place in the Mountains, and as I stood there after organizing everyone and bringing order, I was inspired. I had gone on a retreat to ease my troubeled mind and in the mountains I had seen life and being in this wreck I was nearly grabbed by death. As I stood there I could have sworn (whether anyone believes it or not) that there were spirits who had saved us. Part of this poem still relates to the incident, however it relates to the drama surrounding the whole wreck. I ask for critique as this is my first (but not last piece). It seems getting involved in a Rollover is what broke my writers block I've had since October. *Chuckles* Edited March 3, 2008 by Shamrock Fox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver WInd Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 I really like this, it had great meaning behind it, and was quite profound, nicely done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 Interesting concept. The constant undercurrent of spirits and ancient seeming gods gives the piece a reflective quality as if you are viewing an event in the distant past. It could be said that they have a purpose of creating distance from the event. The spirits also speak of future events in the form of a storm. The storm being a thing of the real world seems to bring the treachery of the future closer. I'm not sure if this was intentional or if this sentiment is shared by all but it definitely works that way for me. At any rate it was a very inspired first write. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 8, 2008 Report Share Posted March 8, 2008 (edited) Okay well going off your feedback level, you're looking more for whether or not things are getting in the way of your narration of the story/events. Right? Well let's have a look. Well first off, I'd say condense to single spacing for your couplets though this may be just a web posting error or you're double spacing as people sometimes do in workshops to indicate that this is a draft. Anyway no big deal. Also, you do not have to capitalize every line. You can, and traditionally that's the way it was done long ago, but modern convention allow us poets more flexibility. Still it's a matter of personal preference. Through the mountains did he walk, and upon the wind, did the spirits talk. They spoke of a plea for saviour, (I would say go with "a savior" or "salvation" for syntax/grammar reasons. However you can capitalize "Saviour or Savior," but that would mean you're now speaking about a specific figure such as Jesus or what have you, and you may not want this). A cry so loud and pure. It was this mountain god's eye, Who saw where they lie (Do you mean past tense of present tense here? Could be either, but the"was" in your previous line steers it more towards past tense which would be "lay" instead of "lie," at least I think it would). It was this god's extended grace, That brought relief to their face. Though no longer in pain, The spirits spoke of the coming rain. They spoke of deception and lies They spoke of backs full of knives. Though these men saved, One of many storms they shall brave. (Construction is confusing syntax wise. Takes a bit of figuring to get what you mean. Less is more, when in doubt, write like you speak). As to seek redemption from the pain That their leaders have lain. (Construction is a bit convoluted, but think it should be "laid" since I believe you are referring to the leaders preforming an action on the noun "pain" and not themselves (physically) lying down). -- I'm a little shaky on grammar myself, so could be wrong. Edited March 8, 2008 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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