Da_Yog Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) A seemingly silly and saccharine poem until you reach the twist at the end. Still it was fun to play with sound. (Yes, I know most of this doesn't actually rhyme but it's pleasing to the ear anway.) Old Tin Roof A pitter-patter of raindrops splatter Like little feet of children playing; Dancing on an old tin roof. A crackling-popping of a wood-fire rocking Before rosy cheeks brightly smiling To the dancing on an old tin roof. A prattle-rattle of voices chatter: A family together rejoicing Under the dancing on an old tin roof. A creaking-squeaking of old boards peeking At love without any dressing gently caressing under the dancing on an old tin roof. A smiling-whiling of thoughts colliding with memories that are illusions; Delusions of life beneath the dancing on an old tin roof. Edited February 20, 2008 by Da_Yog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted February 24, 2008 Report Share Posted February 24, 2008 I really like this poem, Yog. :-) The "seemingly silly" rhyme schemes of the first lines of the stanzas stand out for their interesting approach, and I like the way that the subject matter gets progressively more serious as the stanzas move along. In some ways, the rhyme scheme compliments the theme of "delusions" at the end of the poem, as it feels almost too happy and perfect to be true. The rhymes all felt like very deliberate choices, though, and never really came across as corny due to the self-conscious way that they were incorporated. Nicely done, thanks for sharing this. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted February 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2008 (edited) You are also well on target with the meaning. I had posited it this way: if something was never real, never happened, does that make it any less pleasant? This was the first time I had been playful with a poem in quite some time. It felt good, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Edited February 24, 2008 by Da_Yog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 8, 2008 Report Share Posted March 8, 2008 (edited) Internal rhyme is more forgiving. At least I think it is. You can get away with more assonance and consonances like rhymes inside the line than you can with straight end rhyme. neat enough. Edited March 8, 2008 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Da_Yog Posted March 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 Internal rhyme is more forgiving. At least I think it is. You can get away with more assonance and consonances like rhymes inside the line than you can with straight end rhyme. neat enough. I believe you could also say the same about cross-rhyme, maybe even to a greater degree than internal rhyme. Anyway, thanks for commenting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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